I've had a most unusual experience lately which has occurred several times. I used to be so full of "vision". I wrote my vision down. I believed it was "God's Plan" for my life here on earth. It was quite spiritual, all for the glory of God, you know ;-). Thousands of people were going to come to Christ through my ministry. Thousands of lives would be touched. I even had dreams about it. I knew the building in my town where it would all begin. I believed I knew the man God was going to raise up to lead us. I prayed for him. I wrote letters to people about it and talked with others who shared my vision. It excited me to think about it and talk about it. But...something has happened. I've started to think that perhaps my vision was all about me. Perhaps it just distracted me from the painful, slow process of God trying to get me to let go of my life. I see so many people now who are all fired up about some big idea they have to do something for God. And I see that their happiness hinges on their dream coming true. They are running over their own families to get to it. They are ignoring their prayer time and time in the word to focus on these things. I've begun to recognize the many faces of religious pride. Even in myself, I realized that if someone else were to rise up and begin to do what I have desired to do, I would not want to help them. I would be sad that they were the one leading the way, and not me. I've begun to realize that I have been searching for fulfillment in some kind of thing that I would accomplish "for God". The scripture that keeps returning to me over and over in my mind is: Matthew 7:21-23 TLB, "Not all who sound religious are really godly people. They may refer to me as 'Lord', but still won't get to heaven. For the decisive question is whether they obey my Father in heaven. At the Judgment many will tell me, 'Lord, Lord, we told others about you and used your name to cast out demons and to do many other great miracles.' But I will reply, 'You have never been mine. Go away, for your deeds are evil.'My aching need to know God has eclipsed my dreams and visions. I know that, if I pursue them, I could look like a huge spiritual success, but if I don't know God, what will it profitt me? I almost don't have any dreams anymore. I'm afraid of the judgment day coming for me and hearing him say, "I don't know you." That's all that matters now, knowing God. If I can truly know him, then I will obey him and perhaps others will find their way to him by something they see or hear through me. I don't know how that will flesh out, but I don't care. I don't care if others don't think I accomplished very much in my life. I only want to hear him say, "Well done." It has erased my dreams. I live to know him and obey him and I'm just trying to figure out how to do that moment by moment. Love, Dian.
