After reading and participating in some of these forums with a lot of the people who post here, I am very curious to hear the personal testimonies of those who are regulars on the site. What is your testimony?
I was raised in a Christian home and thought I got saved at a young age. [EDIT-But somewhere along the way, I started doubting whether I was really saved. It plagued me day and night and I could never be happy on the inside because the fear just ate away at me. Dozens of times, I prayed to be saved, just in case I wasn't, but then I would wonder, how am I ever going to know which time it "worked"? Wow, I was so confused, but I wouldn't humble myself enough to tell anyone how badly I was struggling. So it only got worse...]
As the years went by, and I got older I saw hypocrisy and flesh in everything. I became a rebel and thought I had good reason...I felt like I had been sold a bill of goods and I got back at everyone by being as obstinate as I could. I was so mad all the time, but I wasn't sure why. When I would think on my ways, I would be sorry and try to come back to God, but it just wouldn't work. I would confess my sins and pray to be saved but nothing would happen. It got me angry at God that He wouldn't answer me, that I never got so much as an acknowledgment of all my effort to find Him. I did so many things to show my repentance and the silence from Him seemed to mocked me. This went on for some years and I began to believe that there was no God, if I couldn't experience Him. It was like I said, "Fine, God, if You won't answer me, I won't bother anymore..." and I threw in the towel, in the sense. It sounds tough, but on the inside, I was scared by the fact that He might still exist. If I gave you the details of this terribly dark time of my life, this would be very long. Suffice it to say, I was miserable and angry and hurting and hardened all at the same time. But I couldn't see this at all--all I saw was that God wouldn't answer me, and that defied everything everyone taught from the Bible. I felt justified in my bitterness--I had a reason to be angry at God. I thought that He could fix it if He wanted to and the fact He wasn't fixing it was totally up to Him. So therefore, I was exempted from all fault--everything fell on Him in the end (or so I thought).
More time went by....I would tell myself my heart was not hardened, nor was I proud; people like that don't cry before God, wanting to get saved so bad; they're not as sincere about finding Him as I was. "No, I'm sorry, Preacher, but I just don't fit your description. Nobody understands what I'm going through and it's probably because theyr'e all fakes." I was tired of acting like I had something I didn't; I despised two-facedness and when I saw it other people, I wished they weren't even in my life.
At some point and this point lasted for a while, I wanted to find God so bad that I felt like I would die if I couldn't. Rather, I thought I wouldn't be able to live and so would have to do something about it... I was so beyond frustrated and even beyond depressed...just existing. More time went on...I wished to die rather than live in the depths of misery like this.
One day, I vowed that I wouldn’t get off my knees until God answered me. (I had done this before) To me, it was mainly a final, last attempt, or so I thought. I said something like, “God, I have to find You! It isn’t well with my soul—I don’t even know if I’m saved or not, and I cannot go through life like this…” The heavens’ silence seemed to mock me. I was desperate, just dying to hear something from God (not literally, but in my heart). “God, why are You so silent?!” I didn’t know what else to say and started wondering again if God was really God. Just then, He brought to mind the words of a preacher who said, “Ask God to show you yourself............ and then ask Him to show you Himself.” I did this and then I started confessing every known sin from childhood up. This time it was different than anything I tried before,because now the Lord kept showing me one sin after another; on and on… For the first time in my life, I saw my sin as against God Himself.
The turning point came when I confessed and let go of the bitterness I had harbored in my heart about my life and parents. It's hard to put it in words when GOD shows you your sin. Before this, I had sat myself on my own judgement seat and declared God guilty. Guilty. Doing so had automatically put me in a dangerously "high" place of pride and arrogance. But I never thought of any of this. I was so caught up with my own righteousness and all the good I had done and it totally blinded me to the blasphemous nature of the thoughts and ideas which filled my mind. Holding on to all these grudges against God, I hadn't realized how big they had grown and how much they had hardened my heart. In the midst of this misery, I would only point my finger, figuratively, at God, and say, You could get me out of this! THAT was my sin. It's hard to put a name to it, although I call it angry, proud bitterness. It's not even an attitude, it's something deep in the heart. My sin was believing that I was right and God was wrong. But once I finally confessed it and let go of it, I no longer felt it. I felt like I was dying to give that up. Because it meant my whole case for being in the right was thrown out the window. My admission of God’s justice necessarily led to acknowledging my own corruption. And it was this way that God completely broke my heart and showed me in about every avenue of my life how wicked I really was. My self-righteousness began to crumble as I saw for the first time who I really was. Now, it seemed as if there was an ever-growing chasm between me and God—an uncrossable one at that. I could only weep as I saw how His righteousness and holiness contrasted so starkly to my own filthy sins. Never had I seen myself so low before, so completely undone. I realized my utter inability to save myself and despaired even of life itself. I knew that there was but a step between me and death and I now KNEW why I deserved hell. But then, the cross of Jesus Christ seemed to rise before my very eyes and that moment was the first time I realized what He had really died for! (Wicked Sinners!) And of what He could deliver from! (Judgment!) The evil of my sin was finally a reality to me.
After years of growing up in church and being told all about it...and this was when I was a teen now... " I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes." (Job 42:5-6) I knew at that moment, that if there was any hope for me, it was in Jesus’ blood. I cried out to God to forgive my sins, if there was any hope, and to save my soul...from what I knew was rightfully mine. At this time I prayed to God “I just refuse to leave this room the same person…Wash me, or I die!” Then all of a sudden, God came down to my broken heart and met with my soul. His Presence seemed to fill the room, totally filling my soul, telling me I WAS FORGIVEN! The Lord was so near at that moment that I held my breath. A peace entirely unknown to me before and joy I didn’t know existed filled my entire being! It was glorious! I no longer had doubts about my salvation. However, these were not just emotions; the Holy Spirit Himself, so clearly and plainly bore witness with my spirit (Rom 8.16) that I was God’s child now! I had always only heard about such a witness of the Spirit, but NOW IT WAS MINE! I can’t fully express the love to God I experienced in that hour! Now, as my Father, God was so precious to me. And now, I could offer heart-felt thanksgiving and praise to my new-found Saviour God!
I don't have much time to elaborate on how amazing God is and all the healing and restoration He's done and still is doing... Suffice it to say, God is good all the time...and so merciful!!
savedtoserve
(Alaina)
Sister Alaina, Thank you so much for taking the time to share this Wonderful testimony with us. I was smiling with goose bumps on my arms and tears in my eyes as I read.
"Alleluia, What A Saviour, What A Friend!"
Thank you again and Bless you, tripled! :)
Wonderful testimony.
I asked for testimonies to be shared about conversions to Christ. It got viewed over 100 times. Only one person took the time/desire to share what God did in their life in transferring them from death to life. I know many of the "long time regulars" saw this and just thought nothing of it, not feeling compelled at all to share about the grace poured out on them. I know they viewed it based on "who's online now". Yet, many of these same people would immediately lay out a 10 paragraph discourse to argue a point if I started a new post on something political, a theological doctrine that people disagree on, etc.
Those here who are spiritual and who would consider themselves mature, why do you think that is? What's wrong with this? What do you think it means? God gave me a dream last night about competitiveness, pride, & humility. I think I know what it says. We are not as humble as we ought to be. I must confess, there is part of me that wonders - "if most of the posting crowd is chomping at the bit to "argue their stance" on a number of things, but not "chomping at the bit" to share their testimony about how Christ saved them from their sins, are some still delusional, trapped in their sins (just "religious" ones)?"
"They overcome him by the blood of the lamb, the word of our testimony, & that we love not our lives unto death". If we spend more time posting our arguments than we do in the presence of Christ, in the Word, & in prayer, our whole discussion becomes flesh is during from the bowels of natural men who know "about" God, but are distancing thrmselves from His Grace more daily. I'm not judging anyway. It was a test/warning/rebuke from the Lord just as much for me than anyone. Lord crush me into the powder of total humility, so that truly I can be used to bear real fruit for your kingdom, not just flesh giving birth to flesh, making me feel good about my religious stances. God forgive and forbid we go on in such manner!!!!
Sister Alaina, Thank you so much for taking the time to share this Wonderful testimony with us. I was smiling with goose bumps on my arms and tears in my eyes as I read.
"Alleluia, What A Saviour, What A Friend!"Thank you again and Bless you, tripled! :)
Praise the Lord for blessing it to you, JiG! Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!! Many blessings to you also!
jeffmar,
It would be great to hear your testimony too! Largely all of the regulars on here have posted their testimony sometime or another, so it's a matter of finding those old threads... It is quite time-consuming to get a testimony together, also, so there's a lot of factors. God bless!
Hi Jeff,
The motivation for this thread is undoubtedly a wonderful idea. However, if you use the search feature at the top, you will find threads similar to this. In addition, you will find many personal testimonies dispensed within many other threads, topics and posts. For instance, I have shared my testimony of becoming a believer on numerous occasions...and as recently as just a few weeks ago.
There is no need to make any assumptions about individuals if they "lay out a 10 paragraph discourse to argue a point" any more than it would be beneficial to point out individuals who take "quick rhetorical shots" about their own opinions in such matters. Most "long time posters" are humble enough in the Lord to reject any notion of being more committed for having been here for so long, posted so much or attended conferences. In fact, many of the posts from long time posters are comprised of testimonies, prayer requests, statements that they would pray for one another, words of encouragement or the inclusion or mention of songs/poems/articles/sermons that have blessed us.
Yes, there are plenty of discussions about doctrines here on SermonIndex forums. However, this might simply be due to the fellowship here (or lack of individuals to discuss such matters in places that we physically live).
I appreciate your call for testimonies here. I think that such testimonies are a form of encouragement that is greatly needed for the Body of Christ and for our own personal encouragement. I have always thought that it would be great to have a subforum that includes nothing more than our own personal testimonies...especially of how we came to know the Lord. I will try to include mine in this thread soon! The Lord bless you, brother!
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