So that Christ is glorified and an explanation given here is my testimony. May it speak of God's amazing love.
The testimony of Christ in my Life:
I was born to an Irish father and a Jewish mother. After birth due to malnutrition in the womb I was incubated and artificially fed for 3 months. My Mother was also broken by my birth, having beside a new baby, two other small children. My father was in prison during her pregnancy and after birth. I can only imagine how difficult it was for her to have suffered such deprivation and hardship because of my fatherÂ’s criminal behaviour.
The toll on her mind was considerable and led to Schizophrenia, sadism and paranoia. My birth was as much as she could bare and so she hated me for the pain which another mouth to feed caused her. In my formative years I knew only violence, hateful speech and accusation. I learned to blame myself for all the punishments which were set against me. Even when I had done nothing more than is ordinary for a small child, I could do nothing right.
My older sister and brother were also punished for their childishness. By the time I reached 3 years my mother had secured a rare divorce in English law on the grounds of mental cruelty. So she was able to re-marry. The man she elected to marry proved to be cruel and perverse himself and openly hated God. One day having smashed me in the face, causing the blood to fly across the kitchen, he asked me why I thought he had hit me. I replied that it was because he loved me. To this he made it clear that he didnÂ’t love me, and I heard nothing more of what he said.
Over time due to the driving of my mother, my step father would line all three of the children up and punish us with a variety of perverse and cruel punishments. This was to get at the truth. My mother determining that one of us was guilty of some trivial thing drove him to this act of cruelty. Being the smallest and the youngest I always gave in first and admitted to the crime. In the end I was always responsible for everything which went wrong.
Remarkably I had no realisation as to what I was being driven to. In admitting to everything; preferring one punishment instead of ten, I childishly reasoned was the best option. By the age of seven I had formed a mind to kill both of my parents and disguise the act. Confiding in my brother led to discovery and I was sent to see a psychiatrist. After three years of examinations, medications and tests he declared to me one day that I was quiet normal. He arranged for me to be taken into care to preserve me from further harm. At no time did I ever speak of the punishments and my fear.
Between the age of 16 and 24 years I spent nearly seven years in prison for a variety of crimes including robbery. Even whilst I was behaving in this way I always knew that something was wrong because in actual fact I didnÂ’t blame anybody for my crimes, seeing that I was driven internally. In court I used to shrink back from the mitigating speech about how difficult my life had been etc. But I always saw that my actions were my own and none others.
Whilst in prison I began to exercise a long standing interest in Satan. I used to control my fellow inmates with open displays of satanic adoration and worship. Then I would sing them to sleep. In the end I spent over 18 months writing an occult system of belief and worship which led me to a conclusion that I would establish an occult order upon leaving prison and live my life free from others power and influence. In the midst of this madness the Father in heaven revealed Himself to me one morning 10th May 1984. I burst into tears and cried “Father I am sorry. I did not know that you were real.” I asked the Father, “If you are God, who is Christ?” That evening I was translated into heaven and found myself seated on the knee of one who is true God, yet it was Christ. I saw the white of His garment. I did not see His face.
Everything I had written was immediately thrown into the bin in the corner of my cell. For 10 months until my release on March 25th 1985 I remained in a single cell and found wonderful fellowship with God and Christ. I read Scriptures 10 hours a day and preached the gospel whilst sowing mail bags. I preferred the company of the worst inmates who were considered unfit for even prison life and befriended them. Even though such choosing should have resulted in my being hated by the other inmates, none were able to hate me. I often saw their enquiring looks and wonderings as to why I suddenly took company with the ‘dogs’ of prison.
Today I realise that the evil one had his plan for my life and he laboured towards it. He had me hated from the womb and caused me to suffer as a child. He drove me to imprisonment so that he could teach me his ways. Much of what happens to men is like this. Being taught by the prince of the power of the air. Until taught by God and Christ we can know nothing else. So it is that above all else I am against Satan in my spirit and will not suffer him so much as a morsel of my life. I do not estimate myself to be a righteous man, but I utterly rejoice that Christ is my Righteousness. Against these two things that wicked one has no remedy.