Hi! DEADn
I found that your reason for your asking question far more dramatic than the question itself.
You wrote: "I killed myself inside because of severe disillusionment within the church."
Unfortunately, you have a valid point about some Christian churches which are achieving prominence in these days.
My immediate thought is akin to saying: "been there ---- done that!".
It took me years to find both Bible teachings and genuine Believers who had discarded the masks of pretentious piety and who had removed the cloaks which were knitted by the zealots of religious puppetry.
But even though I was profoundly disappointed with the cultural church and their excesses and abuse, I never once was tempted to give up finding that which was genuine and real.
Although I was attending a supposed spirit-filled Bible-believing church, there were times when I would walk through its doors and cringe under the hugs waiting to greet me; their hugs felt like an embalmer's embrace.
My own personal search for the real and genuine began with this: If I believed that Jesus loved me enough to die for me, then I must also believe that Jesus also loved me enough to lead me to His truths and to His people.
I refused to follow after the 'Gospel of Anesthesia' where the spiritually dead are merely exhumed and not resurrected. I became purposely deaf to the 'Gospel of Health and Wealth' which functions with the pernicious skill of ambulance chasers. I wanted nothing to do with the 'Gospel of Autopsy' which eagerly rips open festering wounds and teases the most secret scars but fails to provide the ointments of restoration and healing. I also refused to pay heed to the 'Gospel of the Parrots' which denied that our Jesus speaks to His church in this very day and hour.
The Gospel of Jesus offers elevation, not levitation; life assurance, not a fire insurance; genuine freedom, and not merely a tentative truce. Its preoccupation is mercy, not money; triumph, not success; inheritance, not reward.
So, it was that I began the journey to find a church and people where the transparency of the Word of God was evident. A church where there was spiritual freedom and where I could learn to leave the warmth of the womb and truly partake of the New Birth.
Concerning the matter of physical death:
To put it mildly, witnessing a death can be a most excruciating emotional and gruesome event. Unfortunately, I've had this experience more than a few occasions; with both family members and friends.
Our attitude and reaction concerning death mostly revolves around how we perceive the event of death and the so-called here-after.
The first thing that must be reckoned with is that the human body can be compared to a flower pot which holds a planting created by God. Throughout our lives we are preoccupied with attending both the maintenance of the flower pot and the nourishment of the plant contained in it.
There comes the day when the 'mortal' flower pot might suddenly be struck down or simply deteriorate from age.
What must concern us is not the flower pot; after all, we have been aware for so long a time that it was subject to accidental breaking and/or decay. Instead, our thoughts are on the 'immortal' planting.
What happens to the 'life' which was once so gloriously present in the flower pot?
We have the absolute certainty that the flower itself is not extinguished. It contains invisible substance and therefore belongs to the invisible world. As such, it returns to that dimension when having departed the flower pot.
We also find ourselves begging to somehow have the confidence of whether the composite of the invisible person - "treasure in an earthen vessel" - enters heaven. This of course is where certain ideas can become more than a little confusing for those who are not learned in the Scriptures.
There is so much anxious talk and wild-eyed theories about heaven and hell these days. It can be very difficult to negotiate through some of the especially abusive mess of it all.
So, let me try and explain it this way:
The Bible calls the initial creation of the planting a “worm” condition. The worm does not die because it belongs to the invisible world “where their worm does not die”, (Mark 9:48). The plant does not stop existing. When the visible flower pot dissolves, it continues to live; but only in the invisible world.
But we also gladly testify that there is the possibility for the plant to have undergone a metamorphosis while seated in the flower pot. The Bible invites every man to put off the old nature and put on the new. The word 'metamorphosis' is concerned with being re-born and becoming a "new creature" (a new species of plant) through the power of our sovereign God.
But herein is the difference between the two plants:
The plant which has experienced a metamorphosis has already been "resurrected to newness of life" and is therefore already having a citizenship and position in the "heavenly places in Christ Jesus". This is meaning to say that the plant has become a new "species" ... similar to the event of the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to the butterfly. Even though it remains detectable in a flower pot, it also lives and moves in the 'air', (the invisible world).
So, now we need to discuss the situation of those plants which neglected to experience a metamorphosis and are not already personally acquainted with the first resurrection and "newness of life".
The Book of Life contains the names of those who have done deeds of righteousness. It should of course be clear that this is not the perfect righteousness as it is given by Jesus. Nevertheless, those who have not been acquainted with a "metamorphosis' will be judged "according to what they have done". If in their lives these people strived to show divine qualities, namely compassion and loving kindness. When the Book of Life is opened, judgment is passed upon those in whom the image of God has not completely vanished.
The Book of Life is especially concerned as to whether their mind had functioned correctly and their conscience had not been seared. Whether their hearts were seeking to love their fellow men and if they had sought for the things God seeks for: salvation and restoration. James the apostle said about them: "Mercy triumphs over judgment", or as the Amplified Bible puts it: "Mercy full of glad confidence exults victoriously over judgment", (James 2:13). Mercy shown to the least of men is regarded by the Lord as having been shown to Himself. Our gospel is founded on the love and mercy of God, and Paul said that God will judge the secrets of men according to His gospel, (Rom 2:16).
An example of this type of person is Ebed Melech the Ethiopian who showed mercy to Jeremiah by carefully lifting him out of the pit he had been thrown in. Another is the Samaritan who showed mercy to his "fellow man", "one of the least of these", and helped him on his way. His compassion was not an outward compulsion but an inner need which was part of his inner make-up.
So, DEADn, I hope this all helps to put things in proper perspective for you.
Best of blessings in your search for the truth about God!