God speaks to a deep wound through an amazing revelation!

The title of this thread is a tentative title in that I am open to hearing from any that believe that what I am about to share here is not of God.

But by all that is of Him in me...it is difficult for me to imagine this not being of God. To lift my head and bring me to a place of abundance in Him when I was so down.

I will try to keep this short if I can.

Anyway...a bit of background first.

One of the things that I have struggled with for many years is a feeling of complete failure.

And not just a feeling but also a reality in that I have failed at just about everything that you can imagine. My marriage failed. I failed to have any children. I failed in various business ventures. I have failed in various relationships of one kind or another. I have failed to make much of any money.

It's not just failures that might be seen as wordly but also spiritual. I have failed to find a church body to be involved deeply with. I have failed to overcome certain besetting sins in my life at least to the point where I no longer fall into them - though I would wish it otherwise. I have failed to express myself in ways that God can seemingly use to great affect. I have failed to be the person God created me to be.

I have failed in many, many things too many to list here.

One of my own sisters recently called me a looser.

I have cried in the past over feeling so incredibly unworthy in the Presence of God that I have not been able to fathom how it is that God graces me with His Presence and the blessing of relationship with Him through Jesus Christ.

Or gifts me to speak as it were for Him. To express what is on His heart to others.

I just can't fathom such a thing - with my head at least.

Last night I felt completely useless. I mean completely. Like I am unfit to live.

This morning I woke up that way after having had a dream that God would not give me an interpretation to but which meaning I would not come to see until after what happened next.

Anyway as I sat in my tent...oh I neglected to say that I am also homeless (I share that to drive home the point that whatever good I share comes from God not me)...all forlorn and feeling hard of heart over how useless I was...I began to talk to God.

Just a little. I wasn't much in the mood for talking even to God.

I was a bit hungry so I did what I usually do to keep ants at bay. I took out a couple of pieces of bread and put them squarely in the middle of a small stainless steel bowl I have so that any crumbs might be caught and not fall on the floor.

And I put my water flask next to the bowl.

As I was bringing the bowl and bread up to my mouth to start eating my breakfast (which was just the two slices of bread) I sensed God moving in my spirit in the way He seems to do.

Ever so gently laying a thought on my stone cold heart.

The bread. His body broken for me. Perhaps it was the combination of the bread and bowl - which looked a bit like a chalice. I don't know.

I stopped bringing the bread up to my mouth and stared at it. Pondering that.

The water in my flask. His blood shed for me.

I pondered that. My heart softened just a bit as I told the Lord that despite the wonder of what He did for me that such did not make me feel special since in truth He did that for one and all.

Gently the Holy Spirit impressed another thought on my heart.

I looked at that thought and began to wonder...and as I did it was like the floodgates of heaven opened and God came pouring through.

Wave after wave of emotion welled up within me. Torrents of tears poured out of my eyes. Spasms of emotion such that like in times past when this has happened I thought for sure that I would start speaking in tongues.

And what was that thought that so moved my heart?

Jesus died for me and I have been forgiven of ALL my sin. That is absolutely true and I live by that.

Jesus loves me this I know;
For the bible tells me so.

I know God loves me. There is absolutely no question of that. He moves me...often to tears by His wonderful love. The magnificence of His Presence awes me. The grace and mercy of His Person enriches me. Of all that I could imagine having in this world nothing but nothing equals the wonder of knowing God.

Knowing Him. In relationship to Him.

You see the bread and the cup drove me to realize that what matters in my relationship to Him as far as my feeling utterly useless is concerned is that He delights in me!

He delights in me NOT just because I obey Him. Not just because of what I do. But because I am His child by faith in Jesus.

He delights in me as an earthly father delights in His child. He shares my life. He loves it when I come to Him with my ouchees.

He delights in me showing Him what I have found.

He sent Jesus to die for me and all of us that we might have RELATIONSHIP with Him! Bringing Him pleasure by our fellowship.

That utterly broke my heart.

You see I may well have been a complete and utter failure to this point in my life. Perhaps you also have been.

But that does not make me useless!

I am useful, if in no other way, as someone with whom God can have fellowship with! I am absolutely unique. There is no other exactly like me.

And God's fellowship with me is uniquely intimate. It is between me and Him and no other. Just me and Him communing daily.

Just as it is with each of us.

I matter to God and am useful to Him!

That cannot be taken away from me by anyone EVER. That is a value placed on my life that lies squarely in the relationship that I have with Him and that will never be robbed from me by any hoarde of hell or man.

I cannot recall but perhaps two or three times in my childhood that my earthly father did anything at all with me.

He took me to a military parade when I was four. I remember some of that.

He went with me once to a scouting camp out.

And I remember him taking me to a specialist a few times when I cut a nerve in my finger.

Those are some of the only times I ever remember my dad doing anything with me. Sad.

I forgave and do forgive him for that. He did not really know better and was undoubtedly doing with me what was done to him.

But I never knew the delight of a father in his child. Perhaps that is why I grew up not wanting kids myself.

I always seemed to disappoint my dad.

Even close to death I was not able to meet his hope and expectations of me. When I went to the mother country to see him before he passed away...one of the last things he said to me before I left to never see him again was that his only wish was that I would return to the Catholic Church.

Something that I had to tell him that I could not do in good conscience toward my Father in heaven.

I kissed his forehead and after a little chit chat I left to come back to the States.

Such is the loss of my childhood.

But my Father in heaven saw fit this morning to open the eyes of my heart to the wonderful delight that He has in me as His child!

Through the couple of pieces of bread that I had in the bowl and some water.

For a while I could not bring myself to eat the bread. For it seemed like God's revelation to me had turned that bread into a holy thing. But the Lord reminded me that it was just bread and so, after reaching up toward heaven with my arms raised up as if to touch the great big face of my loving and heavenly Father, I began to eat the bread and drink the water.

I don't know many verses that talk of His delight in us apart from what we do.

In fact I don't know one.

But this revelation makes sense rather from all that I know of the delight of a father in a child or at least at how I imagine it to be.

There is so much more to this but I think I will leave it at that for what it is worth.

This post has been long and I have started yet another thread here but I do hope that you who read this will see through my bumbling ways to my heart and how grateful I am to know my Father in heaven.

Who watches me and blesses me and showers me with favor as with a shield. Who lifts my head when I am down and trains my hands for war. Who supports me when no one else does. Who never gives up on me. Who never stops believing in me. Who never believes the worst about me.

Who LOVES ME with an undying love that knows no bounds and that will reach out to me through every obstacle that He may find in or around me.

To Him be all the glory and the honor!

Carlos

PS. Oh my dream was of a flying fortress, an old style B-17 I think they use to call it coming in for a landing while one of it's engines was damaged in the fight and smoking.

It was like the Lord was telling me that yes, I have been wounded, but that Carlos, yes...me, is coming in for a landing and that things will be okay.

Greetings Carlos

I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you. It sounds like you are struggling in a very difficult time in your life.

I have often found great joy in the love of the FATHER myself and I am forever thankful to JESUS for that love. In CHRIST I am called a child of the MOST HOLY GOD and that is a very awesome place to be.

God Bless
maryjane

Wow, Carlos, Wow!

This is so beautiful! God was having communion with you in your tent.

You know, Carlos - your dad didn't know what a treasure he had as a son. I believe what you said about God speaking to your heart. When I read your post I am reminded of the lives and lifestyles of many of God's most faithful sons. The "tent and altar" lifestyle.

You are not a failure, Carlos. You appear to have a heart which delights in fellowship with the Lord. Look at how our Lord has formed your spirit, brother! There you were feasting on mere bread and water in your tent - and yet your spirit (formed by the Lord) through God's grace transformed your experience into an intimate communion fellowship. Only a truly blessed individual can see through his circumstances into the reality of the Kingdom.

Via worldly visors, you describe your situation as littered with failure and current destitution - yet, the Lord visits you in your tent, the Master sits down with you to break bread and turn water into the wine of Cana - to remind you of the reality of who you are in the Kingdom, an object His utter delight. A man of faith who is the source of God's pleasure.

Carlos, I don't know many saints who have such a blessed gift to uplift the Lord in the midst of homelessness, poverty and loneliness. These are powerful distractions from the power of God's presence. You must certainly be close to Him when you can see above and through the muck and mire of overwhelmingly disappointing circumstances and instead enjoy His holiness and sense the power of His presence! Wow! Yes, you are indeed loved and cherished by the One and Only, most significant and powerful Lord God and Savior in the universe. How can you feel like a failure when you are desired by the Most High?

It seems like those who are destined to be most comfortable in the Kingdom of Heaven will be most uncomfortable in this world. Don't let your living arrangements, social status, financial hardships, employment status, etc. deceive you into thinking that you are a failure. You are what you are in Christ. The apple of God's eye. And I hope that you realize this, Carlos.

I am very moved by this post. Please do not leave SI. Let's instead move on with more fellowship. Your posts have more significance than you know, as they are a beautiful contribution and expression of God's glory.

As I said earlier, I love the saints who contribute to this forum - and that now includes you! Stay safe, Carlos - though it is clearly evident that someone special is looking out for and dwelling with(in) you, regardless of your residence.

And when you weep, let it be tears of joy!

Love-in-Christ,

KP

And when you weep, let it be tears of joy!

My heart indeed FILLS with joy to hear of your confirmation of my Beloved God moving and filling me despite my outward circumstances though the Lord had given me confidence of that already such that I am ready and willing to continue to speak out as He moves me to do. No matter what.

My tent has surely become a tent of meeting for me out in the wilderness. In the middle of nowhere.

I am blessed beyond belief and beyond measure to have been chosen by God from the beginning of time to be His. All His.

I don't know what else to say but to thank you for your encouragement.

I don't feel this forum is where the Lord wants me at this point in time but I do wish you well.

My email address is in my profile should you or anyone else ever wish to communicate with me.

God bless you and draw you near to Himself.

Carlos

CarlosBCG,

I just wanted you to know that your testimony really touched my heart and bought tears to my eyes. There is nothing like truly knowing the Lord loves you total and complete and there is nothing anyone can do about it. No one can ever take His love away from you no matter the circumstances or how hard some may try. And yes God is bigger than all of it, even this forum.

Don't be discouraged. You keep sharing the goodness of the Lord and what He has done for you. No your discernment is not off. What you shared is of God. I know because it happened to me. Yes I know what it is to have many losses and feel like a failure but God still reigns supreme. Some things I thought were losses actually turned out to be gains. I believe with you that you're going to be alright. In a way you already are. Just keep walking with Jesus. It's amazing the way the Holy Spirit sanctifies. Brother you are blessed and I will be praying for you and I hope you pray for me.

Hi! 'CarlosBCG'
I was more than a bit miffed when reading the criticism some directed to your earlier Thread ... about you being supposedly "too demanding". I perceived it totally differently; I saw it as "impatiently eager".
We should all be praying to have that impatient eagerness instead of faulting someone for it.

So, I followed that Thread and it brought me to this Thread and my initial thoughts about you were happily confirmed.

Your earlier Thread asked about "indepth study" Forums. Well, the truth is: there are not too many super-duper Christian Forums around MouseLand. This is mainly because good Christian people have become hardened with their beliefs ... more interested in being right than doing right. Where before there was such a thing as doctrinal discussion, today this has mostly deteriorated into opposing ideologies.

I suggest that you perhaps find a community church and become established there. God will help you find such an opportunity. You will bump into people there that God Himself has prepared beforehand to usher you into deeper things and fellowship with persons of like mind as yourself.

Whatever you do: DON'T LOSE YOUR ENTHUSIASM ... nor your impatient eagerness! The losers and half-baked will always misinterpret your motivations; jus' ignore them ... otherwise they'll drag you down to their own shallow level.

Thank You, Blayne and Jasmine!

What a relief it is to read your posts! I am so glad that there are others here who still resonate with the loving, compassionate and encouraging nature of an authentic Christian.

I have added my email address to my profile if anyone wishes to make contact.

Blayne wrote:

"I was more than a bit miffed when reading the criticism some directed to your earlier Thread ... about you being supposedly "too demanding". I perceived it totally differently; I saw it as "impatiently eager".
We should all be praying to have that impatient eagerness instead of faulting someone for it.

So, I followed that Thread and it brought me to this Thread and my initial thoughts about you were happily confirmed."
___________________________________________________________

I, too was rather horrified by the virtual public stoning which took place against our Brother-in-Christ in a previous thread. Prior to knowing anything about his circumstances, we (mis)judged his intentions, mocked his faith, made false assumptions about his motives, hurt his feelings, discouraged his enthusiasm, accused him of being self-interested and a "man of satan", told him to "keep quiet", and basically pushed him away probably in fear of being the object of a witchhunt.

This was not in accordance with the SI Guiding Principles which promote "gentleness" in our communication. Where has all of this anger come from, saints? It is not fair to gang up on one individual to the point of running him off. He had a genuine, heartfelt testimony to offer and we sent him packing. What a shame, saints. What a shame.

Even if there was something to rebuke, then why not do so in love and an effort to unite a fellow brother in Christ. I am confused about the way this site sorely rejects folks who exhibit a bit of "impatient eagerness" (as Blayne well described it). Especially as the users here exhibit so much godly insight and giftedness in their interpretation of God's Word. Perhaps we should be more careful in our misinterpretation of our brothers' motives.

I don't think that "false prophets" could withstand the army of sincere knowledge and love which you all exhibit in this forum. But, let's not turn away our own brethren. Our spirits are very fragile and once broken, can take a lifetime to heal. When new Christians arrive here with an enthusiasm and "impatient eagerness" to share what's on their spirit and in their hearts, we should listen carefully and respond with the true love of Christ. The way one responds to others who open up their hearts and spirits is a ministry opportunity in and of itself.

If there is anything lacking in our brother's faith, then, as "SonsofLevi" wisely advised me about my own household, we respond by infecting others with Christ's love. As "Blayne" noted in the post below, I don't want to be "more interested in being right than doing right". Christ's love has the most powerful impact on one's faith.

I'm not trying to sound "lovey-dovey" or anything, but even a little kindness goes a long way, saints - you all know this. Christ in You - the Hope of Glory. When this beautiful, miraculous new covenant truth is operating within us, then love for one's brother is automatic and real. It hurts to see others hurt. Truly it does. This is from the heart which Christ gives me.

Anyhow, I love you all for real, as though you are close family. Let's continue to be nice to each other, yeah?

Love-in-Christ,

KP

P.S. When I write "Love-in-Christ" it is in the spirit of the New Covenant. I aspire to have the same love for you all which Christ has. Unto laying my life down for any one of you.

KP wrote:Even if there was something to rebuke, then why not do so in love and an effort to unite a fellow brother in Christ.

___________________________

I read through the thread entitled "Is there a better place to discuss things in depth?" and I did not think that Greg or anyone else was harsh or unkind in the way they responded to this poster. I think if you read through that thread you will see that there was much love and patients extended.

God bless
mj

Hi! 'EverestoSama'

I don't wanna' beat this Thread to death, but I feel that something has to be said about your hurried assumptions of God's children ... especially, after you still insist to burn the tires of your protest saying, ""He declared himself a prophet, and now must be weighed according to his statement".

ComeOn! For goodness sake, 'EverestoSama', get a grip!

How many times in the past have you declared something about yourself and/or a circumstance that was discovered later to be dubious at best?

The apostle Paul wrote, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child".

We ALL, (including YOU and ME and even PAUL), were once Christian 'children' and we oftentimes behaved and thought about things immaturely.

Speaking for myself, I can more easily tolerate someone who might mistakenly claim to be a prophet than someone who has mistakenly neglected the words of Jesus saying, ""Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these".

Hi! 'EverestoSama'

Yes, you're absolutely correct when saying, "The Scriptures have a lot to say about what it means to speak on the Lord's behalf as His prophet".

According to you, a person claiming to be a mouthpiece of God has a greater responsibility than those who have self-appointed themselves to be a mouthpiece in the presence of God.

You would also have been correct if you had added, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight".

This thread is turning sour very fast. I cannot see anything good further coming from it, and so I think we need to terminate it.

In the future, it is best to remember the guideline of playing the ball and not the man. Keep emotions out, keep personal accusations out, and if it gets too hot to handle, simply walk away. Let God Himself expose the false prophet; He is more than able. This forum has a way of healing itself.

Brother Paul