I pray that this will encourage you all, as this is a testimony of a personal struggle. God help me to be honest with what I've been going through....
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What can I do apart from Jesus Christ? What can I do apart from His Spirit? Recently, confusion, sin, guilt, and fear overtook me. My mind was filled with thoughts of doubt and unbelief. There was a lack of direction in my life due to a lack of communion with God. I could not stop gazing at myself. I heavily doubted my soul. Heavily doubted my salvation. I felt I lacked evidence in my life. I felt so much guilt over a loss of a friendship; a brother in Christ who decided to let go of me simply because he saw enough of me to stay away from me. I felt like an outcast. Lost in such darkness. I felt guilt over my Pharisaic ways towards my friend for the past 6 months or so. Because I had so much theological knowledge and thinking I had the right theology, that I did not think any other brother or sister could help me. I thought I got it down pat. I could not overcome my fears and cowardice. Called out to God, but became weary. My voice was sinking in the mire. The sin of lust came back to haunt me. Being set free from this sin when coming to Christ back in October 2010, yet I backslid. Because I held to reformed theology, I thought I wasn't saved to begin with and that I was an apostate. I've been paralyzed by fear due to being persecuted by my parents in the past. I felt I lacked true repentance and I kept myself from the Word of God. Guilt can really take me away from God.
Even now, I still doubt my current state.
But, one thing the LORD finally showed me this afternoon, as I laid in my bed covering my head in shame, that Apart from Christ, I can do nothing. No true obedience can ever come apart from the Person of Christ and the Work of Christ in our lives. Even if I am a regenerate man, that does not nullify a dependency upon Christ and Christ alone DAILY. I thought that once I was regenerate, everything would be perfect. I may have not believed in sinless perfection, but I lived it. I do believe that there is victory in Christ; that in Him all the promises of the New covenant are yea and amen. I do believe that regeneration is a supernatural work of the Holy Spirit and it should radically change me. But, it does not mean that I will live righteously on my own after that work of regeneration. Though, I hold to a reformed view of salvation, that justification is not separated from sanctification, there is one thing I always admired about the men who advocated Deeper Life in the past. They advocated so much dependency upon Christ. All their work was an outflow of their life in the prayer closet and their rest in Christ. They realized that they cannot, but God can. They gave up on their self-efforts to obey the commands of God and the will of God, and their efforts to bring forth the Kingdom of God on this earth. They gave up their efforts to try to kill self-preservation and to evangelize, and trusted in the God who is willing and able to carry out His Promises in and through His people. They knew the rest that was in Christ (Hebrews 4) It is all God and God alone in Christ and Christ alone. I may sound like I'm advocating passivity, but it's not true. God causes His people to be active in keeping His ordinances and His rules (Ezekiel 36:27).
Our Christian lives will mostly be God bringing us to the end of ourselves. An end of "trying to repent", an end of trying to even convict ourselves of sin (that only leads to condemnation), an end of self-effort to produce that which is spiritual, and simply rest upon God to bring about these things within you. In Christ is the origin of all things, what makes us think that He cannot bring about the change of heart we so desperately desire? It was only today when I gave up trying to convict myself of sin, that the Holy Spirit began to move on my heart, beginning His work conviction, restoration, and cleansing. The work of the Holy Spirit applies the Cross on our lives. The Cross represents the Law. It is heavy for us to bear and brings us to the end of ourselves. Once we die on that Cross, we are raised unto Grace. God will weaken us, so that we will trust in Him and Him alone. Watchman Nee once said, "God's means of delivering us from sin is not by making us stronger and stronger, but by making us weaker and weaker." God desires to receive all the glory for His work in your life. Not Him plus you and your efforts, but Him and Him alone. Resting on Christ does not only happen at salvation and therefore we move into our self-effort during our sanctification. We are as well helpless in and of ourselves in sanctification and we are in need of Christ daily. We are not the ones to bear fruit, Christ is the One who bears fruit in us. The fruits of obedience, repentance, surrender/submission of your wills, love for God, and EVERY other spiritual characteristic is found in Christ and Christ alone. Because Christ lived this life on earth, He is willing and able to live it in you. Only Christ can be Christ. Not us trying to be like Christ. Yes, a true Christian is a new creature in Christ, but that again, does not nullify our absolute dependency upon Christ every day.
Saints, keep me in your prayers. Pray that God will really humble me. I can be so proud as to believing the lie that God needs me, contrary to what Acts 17:24-25," God is not served by human hands as though he needed anything...." There was an idolatry in my heart regarding a situation that is happening in my University. There are many professing Christians there who are lost there and are trusting in programs, not the Spirit. The Gospel they preach is four spiritual laws, not the real Gospel. The idolatry was basically, "they need me, if I'm not there, they're not going to hear the truth." The fact is, they need God, not me. If God chooses to use me, then it should be a privilege, not something that I should be boasting about. Pray that the LORD will break me of asserting myself as the savior, instead of lifting up Christ. Also, many times I doubt my salvation. These doubts are really strong. Even when writing this post, I still feel doubts. Though I know the truth of dependency upon the Lord Jesus, there are times in my reformed mind I wonder if I was ever truly saved to begin with. I know the hypocrisy, that I wrote all this stuff because of some revelations that I had and sensing a restoration happening, and still be unstable and doubting due to my backsliding and sins. Please bear with me brethren and please keep me in your prayers. I'm just trying to be as honest as possible about my state. If I'm not saved, then pray that God will. If I am, then pray that God will grant full assurance.
God help us all...
Your Servant in Jesus' Name,
- Michael Liao