Please remember the the work of the Holy Spirit is always redemptive!!!!!!
What you wrote reminds me of what Hudson Taylor experienced. Here is what he wrote to his Sister Amelia on October, 1869. Please remember that he had been in China since 1855 as a missionary, preaching the gospel.
Please examine what he said and did before his eyes where opened to reality of Christ. The numbers are for reference only. There are NOT steps to be followed.
Please read this with the prayer that the Holy Spirit opens yours eyes to the REALTIY of CHRIST!!!
Here is what he wrote.
1. "Perhaps I shall make myself more clear if I go back a little. Well, Dearie, my mind has been greatly exercised for the past six or eight months, feeling the need personally, and for our Mission, of more holiness, life and power in our souls. But personal need stood first and was the greatest. I felt the ingratitude, the danger, the sin of not living nearer to God. I prayed, agonized, fasted, strove, made resolutions, read the Word more diligently, sought more time for retirement and meditation - but all was without avail. Every day, almost every hour, the consciousness of sin oppressed me."
Here he confessed his sins of lack of holiness, ingratitude and not being close to God. He prayed, agonized, fasted, strove, made resolutions, read the Word more diligently, sought more time for retirement and meditation - but all was without avail. Every day, almost every hour, the consciousness of sin oppressed him.
Then Hudson wrote.
2. "I knew that if I could only abide in Christ all would be well, but I could not. I would begin the day with prayer, determined not to take my eye from Him for a moment, but pressure of duties, sometimes very trying, constant interruptions, often very wearing, would cause me to forget Him. Then one's nerves get so fretted in this climate that temptations to irritability, hard thoughts and sometimes unkind words are all the more difficult to control. Each day brought its register of sin, failure, and lack of power. To will was indeed present with me, but how to perform, I found not."
He was completely determined to abide in Christ but found out that he could not. He found that he could not even control his own thoughts. All he experienced was sin, failure and lack of power.
Next he wrote.
3. "Then came the question, "Is there no rescue? Must it be like this till the end - constant conflict and, instead of victory, too often defeat?" How, too, could I preach with sincerity that to those who receive Jesus, "to them gave He power to become the sons of God, " (i.e. God-like) when it was not so in my experience? Instead of growing stronger, I seemed to be getting weaker and to have less power against sin; and no wonder, for faith and even hope were getting very low. I hated myself; I hated my sin; and yet I gained no strength against it."
So far in all of his attempts he had totally failed to even become nearer and closer to God. Even his hatred for sin did not assist him in the slightest way.
I remember that that in my own experience with sin in the past, the fact that I truly hated and despised my sin accomplished nothing! The truth was, that my hatred for sin only made me more miserable and loathsome.
Hudson continues.
4. "I felt I was a child of God; His Spirit in my heart would cry, in spite of all, "Abba, Father", but to rise to my privileges as a child, I was utterly powerless. I thought that holiness was to be gradually attained by a diligent use of the means of grace. I felt that there was nothing I so much desired in this world, nothing I so much needed. But the more I pursued and strove after holiness, the more it eluded my grasp, till hope itself almost died out, and I began to think that perhaps to make heaven the sweeter, God would not give it to us in this life."
He had a true desire to be totally holy. He pursued and stove after it with everything that he had but found out that he could not attain it.
5. "I do not think I was striving to attain it in my own strength. I knew I was powerless. I told the Lord so, and asked Him to give me help and strength and sometimes I almost believed He would keep and uphold me. But on looking back in the evening, there was sin and failure to confess and mourn before God."
He asked God daily for help and strength but still had to confess sin and failure over and over again.
6. "I would not give you the impression that this was the daily experience of all those long, weary months, but it tended to be a too frequent state of soul and I almost ended up in despair. And yet, never did Christ seem more precious a Savior who could and would save such a sinner! And sometimes there were seasons not only of peace but of joy in the Lord. But they were fleeting and at best there was a sad lack of power. Oh, how good the Lord has been in bringing this conflict to an end!"
He did experience seasons of peace and joy with Jesus but they only lasted a short while.
7. "All the time I felt assured that there was in Christ all I needed, but the practical question was how to get it out. He was rich, but I was poor; He was strong, but I was weak. I knew full well that there was in the vine, in the root, the stem, abundant fatness; but how to get it into my puny little branch was the question."
He knew that the answer for all his sin, failure and despair was in Christ but he just did not know how to access the power that was in Christ.
8. "As gradually the light dawned on me, I saw that faith was the only prerequisite to laying hold of His fullness and making it my own. But I had not this faith . . . I strove for it, but it would not come; I tried to exercise it, but in vain. Seeing more and more the wondrous supply of grace laid up in Jesus, the fullness of our precious Savior - my helplessness and guilt seemed to increase. Sins committed appeared but as trifles compared with the sin of unbelief which was their cause, which could not or would not take God at His word, but rather made Him a liar! Unbelief was, I felt, the damning sin of the world - yet I indulged in it. I prayed for faith but it did not come. What was I to do? "
Now he was beginning to see that the only requirement of laying hold of Christ and His fullness and accessing it was faith. He found that he did not have that faith in himself and could never somehow even generate it. This knowledge only made him feel more helpless, dirty and guilty.
He saw that his damming sin was his own unbelief. He even knew that this sin of unbelief was the real cause and root for all his other sins. He was calling God a liar. If he only could repent and forsake that sin all would be well. He could not repent or forsake this sin and even when he prayed for faith, nothing happened.
9. "When my agony of soul was at its height, a sentence in a letter from dear McCarthy was used to remove the scales from my eyes, and the Spirit of God revealed the truth of our oneness with Jesus as I had never seen it before. McCarthy, who had been much exercised by the same sense of failure, but saw the light before I did, wrote (I quote from memory): "But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful One."
It is important to understand that the Holy Spirit opened his eyes to the truth as he read what McCarthy had written him. The Spirit of God revealed the truth of his oneness with Jesus to him as he had never seen it before.
10. As I read I saw it all! "If we believe not, He remains faithful." I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh, how joy flowed) that He had said, "I will never leave you." "Ah, here is rest!" I thought. "I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more. For has He not promised to abide with me - never to leave me, never to fail me?" And Dearie, He never will!
This is the key and real secret of true repentance. This was not something that Hudson Taylor had done at all. The Holy Spirit opened his eyes to the existing truth that his friend was sharing with him.
When the Holy Spirit opens your eyes to the reality of Christ, His holiness, His perfection, His fullness, His mercy, His Love, His faith and His faithfulness then you will be able to fully repent without any effort.
True repentance is a gift of God and only exists as the Holy Spirit shows you the existing reality of Christ Himself and what God in Christ has already accomplished for you and in you. It is impossible for any true repentance to take place without the Holy Spirit's work in opening your eyes to see Christ.
Now all these facts were true before Hudson Taylor saw them. He was just in the dark concerning these truths.
Look what Hudson had written.
"I do not know how far I may be able to make myself intelligible about it, for there is nothing new or strange or wonderful - and yet, all is new! In a word: 'Whereas I was blind, now I see.'"
Hudson could not open his own eyes. It is The Holy Spirit's job to open your eyes by taking the TRUTH OF CHRIST and then revealing and showing it to you.
John 16:13-15, "Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you. All things that the Father hath are mine: therefore said I, that he shall take of mine, and shall shew it unto you."
Look at all the things Hudson did to repent and failed. As the Holy Spirit opened his eyes to the reality of Christ, repentance came easy.
There is only one true gospel message that contains the power for full and complete salvation. This message is the only message that can transform and conform your life into complete perfection. This is the massage of what God in Christ has already accomplished for you and in you even before the world was created.
The Spirit of God will reveal the truth of your oneness with Jesus to you as you have had never seen it before. That is the main reason I am even writing this article.
Many Christians are completely consumed constantly looking at themselves and their performance. They invest much time, effort, energy and attention on improving their actions and the attempt to repent from sins. Their entire focus is spent on themselves and what they are doing or not doing. Many of them have the same damming sin that Hudson had, the sin of unbelief, which is the real cause and root for all there other sins. They do not believe God. They do not depend on the Life of Christ at all.
There is a real need for repentance. As the Holy Spirit opens your eyes to the reality of God has already accomplished for you and in you, you are given the ability to turn away from the sin of unbelief. You will have the ability to give up on your ability to produce any faith to repent. You will have the ability to turn to Jesus Christ and rest in Him. You will be able to stop relying on your own resources to repent or be holy. You are made free to stop using any self-efforts to improve.
Do not allow your Christian experience to be about your efforts, your sins, your good works, your promises to do better or even you ability to trust in Him. It's not about you! Christianity is all Him, Him, Him!
As the Holy Spirit opens your eyes you are free to turn Him and acknowledge that you never will be able to live up to your own self-righteous standard. Just cast yourself on His grace and love. This is true repentance. Then, and only then, will you find that Christ and Christ alone is your Deliverer. He will free you from being held hostage in a prison of self-perfectionism.
When you have turned away from your efforts to change yourself, you will hear God tell you, "I never intended for you to change yourself. I just want you to rest here in my arms. I will bring about the changes in your life. You just stay here and enjoy me."
