husband abuse

i was reading through one of the posts on the other thread on the topic of a unloved wife, and it brought to mind some issues in my own life that i wanted to put up for discussion. as a wife who abused her husband until the LORD got a hold of my heart, i just wanted to say anger is not limited to the male of the human race. there are plenty of women who verbal, emotionally, and physically abuse their husband. no i was not nuts, or on drugs, no i did not use alcohol, i just always wanted to be in control, i wanted to run things my way and when my husband did not do exactly as i wanted i used all manner of sinful behavior to attack him. i manipulated, i lied, i called names(terrible names)i nagged, and harassed him. i have repented and my husband has forgiven me and our marriage has been healed but in those years he dealt with a lot from me. what is most amazing to me is my husband never once brings up my past horrible treatment of him. he never reminds me of who that angry person i was before Jesus got a hold of me.

i did a google search of husband abuse and found the very first of many links that came up interesting to read. abuse happens to both men and women in marriages, its a fallen world. we all need Jesus.

in writing this thread i just wanted to open up the discussion about husband abuse. if a marriage is going to be saved and healed then both husband and wife need Jesus in their lives.

rdg

rdg,

You are so right. Absolutely right.

And...I suspect if the males were to point out this reality (of wives abusing their husbands) some will accuse them of being manipulative, abusive - you name it.

As human beings we are ALL subject to abuse, manipulate, hurt, fight people we are close to. All of us, wives included.

The beauty of forgiveness is that it gives one a wonderful opportunity to start all over with a new beginning. This your husband allowed you to do. Beautiful testimony, rdg.

Your testimony proves that abuse can be repented of - no one is beyond redemption. Amazing! and only God can work that out.

Glad you posted, rdg.

God bless.

Sandra

Greetings Brenda

I have looked into this subject and have to disagree with you, there are many women who abuse their husbands. Men are not always the abuser, women are as well. If a christian man is attacked by his wife and refuses to fight back it matters little how strong he is... My own mother could fly into a rage at times, in fact on one occasion she held a gun to my fathers head and threatened to kill him. Abuse happens because of sin in the world.

I followed rainydaygirl's advice and did a simple google search of, "husband abuse" here is the very top link that came up, if anyone is interested. I don't endorse the site but did find the article and responses written interesting.

http://marriagemissions.com/husband-abuse-can-a-wife-abuse-her-husband/

I realize women are abused no one is deny this, but sister there there are many men who love and care about their sisters in CHRIST and there are many women who are just as vulnerable to the sin and temptation of anger and being an abuser as men are. There are many kinds of hurts, and abuse that we as fallen people can inflict on one another. perhaps in all of this we can learn that it is not an us against them mentality so much as all of us have a need for CHRIST in our life.

God bless
maryjane

Krautrau

You seem to want to make this an us vs them kind of thing. Not sure why... All I am saying is abuse happens both ways and it is sin and wrong. I have been through a lot as well, and I know first hand what the enemy can do to a marriage and what sin and selfish living can do. All I am saying is maybe its time to stop blaming and start forgiving, loving, and seeking GOD on behalf of those who are lost. You I am sure, are praying for soulwon, may I respectfully ask you, have you prayed for her husband? You do not have to answer that in the forum, just something to consider.

I appreciate the testimony rainydaygirl shared. I know what she shared is true and does happen. I have seen it before in my own life as well.

God bless
mj

krautfrau wrote:It is the easiest thing in the world, to have the abuse of women ignored by claiming that it is not a gender thing and we are all doing it to each other so we might as well take no notice of it.

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I have not said that abuse is not happening, I have not said that it should be ignored. I did not say that no one should take no notice of it. I said we need to be in prayer for these people. Yes people are hurting each other and no matter who is doing the hurting it is sin...is a man some how less deserving of forgiveness if he calls his wife a name? Is a man less deserving of a our prayers and support because there are fewer men who are abused then women? Shouldn't we be praying for both the victims(no matter what their sex) and the abuser to find GOD and repent. Shouldn't our heart be to love people and see them saved??

One can notice the hurts and sorrows and acknowledge there is a real problem and still pray for those who are lost. I have found unforgivness doesn't hurt the other person so much as it destoys me.

God bless
Mj

Edited post

Sister Rdg, I totally agree with you. I takes 2 hands to clap, similarly it takes effort from both Husband and wife to lead a happy married life.

Women think they are weaker and many women have this attitude in them to dominate their husband and show others how powerful they are though they are created weak. I have witnessed the same in my own mother. I know how it damaged my family. I have seen the same in more families in India. I have seen the case of husbands abusing the wife as well, but I have seen more cases of wives running the family by dominating their husbands and not submitting to them and there by ruining the house.

Women have a craving for dominance in them because they think they are physically weak. They want to prove the opposite. Suppose someone tells you that you can do a task then there is a desire in us to prove them wrong. This is exactly true with most of the women. I have been working in Cooperate for over 9 years and I would say it is most difficult thing to work under a women manager than men. When given responsibility women try to micromanage and try to show their authority over others. There are also men who do it but all most all women managers I have seen so far have been micromanagers. I have discussed the same with many of my colleagues and also my seniors, even they agree that the toughest managers they worked under who made their life hell are women managers.

That is why God wisely do not give authority to women either in Church or home.

Like the other poster here many think only Physical abuse is greater and emotional abuse that a women can do to her husband is minor. Not true. I try my best by God's grace to love my wife. But I have witnessed mood swings in my wife in which she has emotionally hurt me so many times. I used to wonder why women alone have so many excuses like mood swings ? I would tell you without God's grace it is impossible to love wife if anyone knows what true love is.

Sree, You right on target.

One reason females have mood swings because of hormones. Our bodies are more complex then males because we are given the equipment to produce and child, nurture it for nine months. This complexity plays into mood swings. Weather also plays an important part.

I have mood swings but with the Holy Spirit indwelling, being aware of it, do work to not allow it to control my emotions, or act on my feelings. This is why I am very skeptical when I heard scripture interpreted on the basis of "I feel this way or that about..." because I know how fickle feelings are. One day you feel so bad - "nobody loves me so I'll go eat worms" - and a day or so later to thinking you are on top of the world.

I am so glad for the leadership of males who can keep some balance in society. If the world only contained males it would be a sorry world; if it only contained females, it would be a sorry world, still. God made us different to balance out each other's weaknesses. God was very wise in creating males and females. I like it. (Got five men to love - one husband and four sons - am I not privileged??!! you bet! Got eight grandsons as well. I thoroughly enjoy our adult boys - now men, all married. :-) )

sree

thanks for sharing your story and experiences. i know husbands are abused too. some don't think it is abuse because men are stronger, but it is because many men who are christian will not fight back when women attack them. i know many times i hurt my husband very deeply with my words. it hurts me now just to think that i said those things and acted as i did but i know there is forgiveness in Jesus. it helps me to that my husband never throws my past sin up at me. when he said he forgave me he let it go and we have been moving forward ever since. i have noticed it is my experience that women can tend to hold on to hurts and wrongs for a very long time. i have also noticed that women talk about past injuries more even though they say they have forgiven the person who hurt them. i had asked in another thread about what true forgiveness really is and got some great answers. i am also seeing that my husbands example is one i want to follow. he loves me and has forgiven me, he doesn't keep reminding me over and over about my past sin, or the way i hurt him.

of course i know men can be just as unforgiving as anyone else, just sharing what my experience as been.

rdg

rdg, you have a wonderful example of forgiveness in action in your husband. You are blessed. This is something all can learn from. He is taking the led in demonstrating forgiveness.

Thanks for the testimony.

Sandra

The Holy Spirit admonishes Christian husbands to not be "bitter" toward their wives, and to honor them by remembering that they are the weaker vessel. I do not believe God is referring to physical strength. Women are simply designed differently from men. Though the souls of men and women are salvifically equal in Christ, and there is no distinction between the two under the blood of the New Covenant, on earth behaviourally men and women differ tremendously and special care must be taken in matters of practical relation.

For instance, a wife will often read into something her husband said and interpret it as an attack, when in reality there was no ill motive on his part. This is natural. God created us to see things in a different light; marriage is about learning to work together as one flesh to use both our attributes and gifts to the glory of God and the edification of our family and children. Men usually see things resolutely, and are able to make quick decisions (poor or wise is irrelevevant), whereas women are more indecisive by nature (which is why it can take my wife three hours to pick out a pair of shoes for my son, and I just grab the first pair I see).

If my wife is in a foul mood when I come home from work (because of the children being disobedient), she might make a cutting remark at me at the personal level. It hurts. But if I were to say the same thing back to her, she probably wouldn't talk to me for a week and hold it against me for years. That's just how it is. In these moments of injustice, when I am tempted to fire back, I am reminded to "not be bitter" against her. She is weaker than I am in this regard (but stronger than me in other areas), and I must be the first to forgive and render honor to her in this regard. Christian men have equal faults, but these abuses and faults are usually placed elsewhere. I think of how offensive I can be in God's eyes, of how impatient I can be with the kids, how selfish, how dismissive of my wife's needs, and how God never "fires back" and gives me what I deserve. We are to love our wives as Christ loves his church. As we who have been "called out" sumbit to God, we are transformed more and more into Christ's likeness; so the same when husbands submit to the precepts of scripture pertaining to marriage they become transformed, God in turn transforms the wives. It is very slow, but the abuse will gradually decrease as God begins giving her light on how she might be hurting her husband (and vice versa when we neglect her needs). Yes, the Lord uses marriage to break us individually and then build us back up together as a single unit as a testament to His glory, mercy, and grace.

So well written, and so true.

I have been on this marriage adventure for 47 years, and if there is one thing I have learned... well, maybe more than one thing, but this one stands out- is that I have to practice humility or I am literally dead!

My wife has wonderful qualities, is hard working, fanatically loyal, wise in all matters of homemaking, health, law, money, the scriptures, and home decorating. But one wrong word from me and she can collapse in tears and depression. The one thing I seem unable to learn is how to keep from ever doing or saying things that hurt her!

I am a man of God, there are many who assure me of this with "thank you's" and other praise. This is a great blessing for me. But being married, happily I must quickly add, keeps all this in good perspective that I am just another sinner saved by grace, a man in constant need of fresh wisdom in the Holy Spirit, easily able to be wrong and deceived.

What an amazing tool marriage is to shape and craft His servants into the image of The Son. The chipping and scraping painful at times, but the work of art on the other end will be well worth the price!

There has been mention of seemingly intrinsic differences between men and women. Perhaps not far from the usual gender stereotypes when it comes to emotional make-up, behavioural responses, approach to life...

Is there any scriptural basis for such views on gender differences?

The only verse that I'm aware of is 1 Peter 3:7 - "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel..." (I'm not fully sure what "weaker" alludes to here, I've always interpreted it as referring to physical strength).

Thanks brethren for this positive note on this volatile issue. The longer I think about it the more I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the devil works to exploit the differences between males and females to undermine the blessings we can bring to each other.

We have all sinned and come short of the GLORY OF GOD! All of us, no exceptions. All of us need redemption and the flesh will resist this. All saints are a work in process - if you do not believe it read the history of God's people in the Bible.

And...gender bashing only plays into the hands of the arch enemy of our souls.

QUOTE:
____________________________________________________________
(I'm not fully sure what "weaker" alludes to here, I've always interpreted it as referring to physical strength).
____________________________________________________________

...except when he hurts himself a little...:-)

God bless all of you.

Sandra

God created man first then the woman therefore giving the man preeminence over the woman.

Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 1 Timothy 2:12-14

For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.
Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. 1 Corinthians 11:9,10

There is a hierarchy in Gods creation as far as submission. God first, Christ second, man third, and woman fourth.

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:3

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Ephesians 5:22-24

As far as the weaker vessel pertaining to physical strength this is partly true but I believe it to mean that women are more susceptible to temptation and deception.

I believe there is peace, contentment, and joy for both man and woman in Christ Jesus in their God given roll.

Just some thoughts.

Is there any scriptural basis for such views on gender differences?

Scripture tells us one of the consequences of sin between the first husband and wife was henceforth for Eve to ever seek to please her husband, Adam. This is a marked gender difference, that can easily come under acquisition from the enemy. When a wife thinks her "pleasing" of her husband is under appreciated by him (watching after the kids, all the housework she does, keeping her figure attractive, sacrificing her own career to be a stay-at-home mom, etc.) and is being taken for granted, she can become spiteful and rightfully embittered. The home can turn into a warzone. This is why I ever return back to what I feel is the proper interpretation of the verse in Peter about the "weakness" of the woman being emotional rather than physical. The "dwelling" with our wives according to honor shouldn't have anything to do with their exterior strength, for such a surface, shallow concept is totally incongruous with the rest of the New Testament. We are speaking of spiritual things.

Personally, I find great comfort in the light God has given me on these verses. It humbles me, especially when I compare it to God's own compassionate reckoning of myself, in his own understanding that I am dust.

Just thought I'd quickly point out that it's obvious women tend to be much more emotionally weak than men. A woman will break down and cry much more easily than men on account of emotional pain. This is obvious especially to those of us who are married lol.