A Testimony for the Lord (An Affair 'not' to Remember)

Pt. 1I think the time has come for me to give a testimony of how God has increased in me and I have decreased. I know I have given one 'marriage testimony' before, maybe about a year or more ago. My husband and I have been married for about 15 years, so we have our share of stories and testimonies from our old lifestyle.But here we are now, growing in Christ-likeness and pursuing the narrow path and THUD! I am smacked to the ground once again in utter dismay. Not only did I recently have to deal with some health issues with melanoma, but now this as well.To look at our family and to see my husband and I together, you would think we had the perfectly family and marriage. I even thought it was pretty close to perfect. We were 'blessed" is all I could say. Then one night about 3 months ago I discovered my husband was having an affair. I saw some emails from "her" and him, and reading the details took my breath away. I could hardly breathe.Before I go any further with this story I want to fill you in with what the Lord had been doing in my heart in the few years prior to this. During the time when the Lord was delivering me from my strongholds (of self-image, fear of rejection, fitness and vanity addiction)- which alot of it came from my husbands own old strongholds (pornography, lust, looking at other women, etc...) During this time I had been praying that the Lord would allow me to love Dan unconditionally, like the Lord loves Him. I wanted to be able to love him with vulnerability, letting him have all of my heart. I knew if I was to get over these strongholds I would have to learn to love him with everything, and not keep any part or rights back for myself (for fear of getting hurt). So, I spent three years learning to trust him and love him without worrying about the "what ifs". I had to learn to trust God that nothing would happen, that Dan would still love me no matter what and that I would be enough for him even if I wasn't a perfect Barbie model. In the mean time, I grew up in Christ, desiring Him to increase Himself in me as I decreased. When any situation comes up, this is the way I approach it. The Lord is working to decrease me, so that He can be seen in me.As you can imagine, after learning to trust Dan and love him in this way- what a blow it was to learn that he had betrayed me. For a spilt second I even questioned God..."why did you have me trust him and you knew all along that this would happen?" I had trusted God that nothing like this would happen, so I could have blamed Him. But I didn't.What I saw immediately was God's hand. I saw God's sovereignty in it all.

Pt.2By the second day after finding out, Dan was in complete brokeness. The enormity of his sin and the consequences overwhelmed him. The weight of all of that was too much for him to handle and he thought his chest would explode. He gave me his hunting guns to hide because he felt that he couldn't trust himself. He sobbed and moaned in the basement for hours. He was grieved not only about the sin itself, but the fact that my oldest daughter knew and locked herself in her room and wouldn't speak to him. He knew also that he could lose his whole company and the many employees may not have their jobs if they went out of business.You see, the "other" girl was his right hand girl at work. She was a good friend of his and I considered her a friend to our family as well. I had just suggested at Christmas that Dan make her Vice President (stupid me!) She is also married (4yrs) with a one yr. old son. She ran half of the company. He could not run that company without her. If he had to fire her, then the whole company could go under. What a DUMB mistake! This "mistake" had lasted about 2 months.What was I to do? Well, of course I loved Dan and would forgive him as I knew I should. I even consented to letting the "other" girl continue working there until he found a replacement. I had to trust God with these decisions. I know that I may never be able to trust Dan again, but that is not important. I only need to trust God. That all things work together according to His plans. The other girl emailed me to apologize- sincerely. All I could do was look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her as a hurting woman who was also broken over her sin (which she really was). She asked me about my relationship with Christ. She grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school thinking that she already had all the answers, but now she admitted that she had no answers. She wanted to know Christ in an intimate way, wanted to learn to trust in Him and see God's hand in all of this. So, we emailed back and forth as I shared the gospel with her. I shared forgiveness with her. She doesn't feel she deserves any forgivness, but that is beside the point.Dan experienced a brokeness that he desperately needed in his life. I was able to show love and forgiveness to two people who hurt me and my family- and I got to share the love of Christ with "the other woman". How can I not see God's hand in that?! This was a time for me to grow and to stretch and to see if He really had been increasing in me and if I had been decreasing. Yes, I had a few bursts of flesh that "shouted" out a few times and maybe used a foul word out of anger. But all in all, I just let the Lord be in control and did what He would want me to do, nothing less and nothing more.This week will be her last week working for my husband- and I can say that I am relieved and glad. But I know it would have been selfish to ask her to leave on the spot a few months ago. I knew i could trust the Lord that for a short time. I could give of myself so that Dan's company would not have to go under and that his employees and their families would be ok.Dan still has alot of rebuilding to do, especially where it concerns my daughter. It is something that he will regret for the rest of his life. But like I told her, there is a reason for everything and God has a plan. No one is perfect and Dad's aren't either - only our Heavenly Dad is perfect.But that is not where the story ends. The Lord showed me something about myself and about how He feels about His people when they commit adultery/ have other loves....

Pt. 3I don't know if some of you will remember that a main theme that the Lord has given me as a message is the one of 'idolatry and adultery in His own people'. After discovering my husband's affair, the Lord led me to Hosea. As you know, the Lord had Hosea marry an adulteress- so that Hoesa would know how the Lord felt about His own people who were committing adultery and idolatry against Him. Then, not only did Hosea marry her and love her, after she left him for more adulteress behavior and was caught and sold into slavery; the Lord has Hosea go and buy her out of slavery and take her back home- for he still loved her. God wanted to show that He wanted reconciliation with His own adulterous people.The first thing I saw was that I was still not free from every "other love" in my own life. I was still holding on to things that competed with the love I had for the Lord. So, I was also guilty. Secondly, I saw that just as Hosea had to experience this first hand- so did I. Though I knew one part of the message, which was that the Lord was angry about all the adultery and idolatry among His people, I didn't know much of the love He had for them and His desire for reconciliation with them.Just as I had grown to love my husband unconditionally, even though he betrayed me, I longed for reconciliation. It hurt me tremendously! But because I loved him with unconditional love, I didn't want revenge. I didn't want Him punished- though he deserved it- I wanted his repentance to God and his reconciliation with me. Of course if he had refused to repent and didn't want reconciliation- things may have turned out diffferent.And so it is with God. Though He is angry and upset with His people for giving themselves over to other idols and other loves- it hurts him tremendously!!!! He longs for us to repent and to give ourselves wholeheartedly to only Him. He wants reconciliation with us. He wants us to run back into His arms and promise ourselves to Him as our First Love. Of course, if we refuse to repent and don't desire reconciliation- things will turn out differently.

Pt. 4In the end I would just like to say that without God growing and changing me into His likeness more and more each day- I don't know how I would have handled this. I really didn't even think about any "choices" I had. My only choice was to act as Christ would have. I let Christ rule in me and where flesh wanted to rise up occasionally, i just chose to let God be the sole voice in me. It was nothing of me, only Christ. It is the testimony of "He must increase, but I must decrease." (jn.3:30) That's it. If we are willing to be a vessel for Him to have His way- then no matter what situation comes up- He will have a vessel to shine through. To give a testimony through. But that vessel does have to be broken and emptied many times before much of Him can come shining through without our old self getting in the way. Praise God for His goodness! Yes, I am still hurting at times, but I know that God is in control. He has His plans and purposes for everything. I trust Him."...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Gal.2:20I would like to thank those few of you who knew what was going on at the time and prayed and wept for me. God's sends us the grace we need when we need it- even through other brothers and sisters. :-) Surrendered to Him, Chanin

Something else I forgot to add was the fact that the enemy could have really used this experience to get me to run back to my old strongholds. Because i was hurt in this area again, it would have been easy to go back to putting a false front up. One that had to look perfect and good looking all of the time.I had fleeting thoughts of this. "Oh, I'll just go back to making myself into this particular image so that will nevr happen to me again (which is how the strongholds developed in the first place). But no, the Lord wouldn't allow such a thing. He won't allow me to make my own plans or have my own agenda.I can only continue down this path He's given me and I'll have to trust Him.In Him, Chanin

Hosea 3:1Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by a lover and is committing adultery, just like the love of the LORD for the children of Israel, who look to other gods and love the raisin cakes of the pagans."I'm still standing without words in front of this verse. God's love.

I am hoping to put my daughter's testimony on here as well. Just how the Lord has given her peace and given her the gift of forgiveness.In Him, chanin