Prayer Request - Not Saved

I have come to realize that I am not saved, after having made a profession of faith for nearly 2 years (this time). I shared this with Greg a little while ago, and he said he wouldn't tell anyone (he also has been praying for me); I do appreciate his discretion, but I feel I have to admit this, after having posted things on this forum that made it look like I was a christian.
Suicidal thoughts plague me now, I don't eat sometimes for days in a row, severe depression clouds my mind constantly, and I have no one to talk to. Every church I have been in has people that teach crazy prosperity doctrines, or lukewarm messages that turn my stomach, or people that I can just tell are not saved (one man said he was going to start a harem, for example, and that adultery was okay if you have a pure heart; some others drink and use drugs, etc.).
I've been clean for almost 2 years now, and I will never go back to any kind of substance abuse; I'd rather die. The devil tempts me sometimes with thoughts about this, but I think he knows I will never use again. I don't see how I can go on like this for much longer. I pray and read my bible constantly, but I get no answers from God.
I go back and forth between thinking that there must be something I have not repented of (like Finney taught), to thinking "just have faith and God will save me eventually, one day" (like Bunyan taught). I sometimes slip into a horrible state of despair when I think "God is not drawing me so what's the use?" Sometimes I think God has turned His back on me and "given me over to a reprobate mind". Other times I think God is telling me to repent of crazy things that make no sense.
Please pray that God will just show me what He wants me to do.

I hurt for you in your anguish. I have seen the same wrestlings in a couple of my children. I will pray for you. Don't give up!

Drifter,

PLEASE read Psalm 107. Pray it. Slowly, over and over. Drop your own self into those parts where it speaks of others. Drill down in prayer on the part about those who were gathered who had been foolish and suffered affliction due to their own inquity and had reached the point where they could not eat and wanted to die. Pray it as long as it takes my friend.

I won't judge your conclusions about yourself man, but, do not discount the truth that God IS working in your heart. You did not reach these conclusions about yourself through the flesh and surely you do not know you need Jesus to rule you through the means of your own mind.

Praying. Hang in it.

When I pray, nothing happens. When I try to read the Bible, all of the words flow together, I don't understand hardly any of it. God will not answer me for some reason. I feel like King Saul, when Samuel said "God is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy." I am also tired of anyone telling me "you are saved". I appreciate their desire to help me, but I have a defiled conscience. I am lost. I wish someone would get an answer from God, that they would say, "I was praying and God said..."

Drifter,

If you are lost, and I take your word for it, God IS against you and you "feel" exactly what you should. But, flesh and blood has not revealed to you the truth of God's word about you. The Holy Spirit is telling you these things.

I do not know what it is you are not surrendering to God -- but, one thing seems to be His right to do with you as He will. If God seems silent to you and you say "I am lost. My conscience is defiled", you are admitting your own problem. What it seems to me is happening as your words appear is, "I have a dirty conscience and it is mine. Don't bring the word of God to me. Get me an answer to prayer that I can feel that puts the lie to my lostness."

You are right. Your conscience is defiled. But you are also wrong. You have not surrendered your right to have that conscience. In love, I whisper to you that you sound like Job. In fear, I say to you that I do NOT want to sound like his friends.

This battle in you is a war waged on your flesh by the Holy Spirit and your flesh is, indeed, fighting back. I have no magic words or formulas. The gospel of Christ is the power of God unto salvation to all who believe.

When Jesus took the chastisement upon Himself that brought to us peace with God, and bled and died on the cross, He did not only ransom from sin but He purchased the sole and exclusive lordship of our very thoughts. And, He personally changes us from our ways to His own.

I wish I had the insight to speak more precisely to you but thank God I do not! He does alone. Do not give up. Do not shut up.

drifter, I felt led to encourage you to try reading Psalm 51 with an open mind. Praying for you. God bless.

Nigel,

The advice that Tim has given you is very good.

I would like to just add, that I do understand where you are. For I too have been there before, knowing that Jesus was alive and not dead, yet yourself being dead and not alive. My problem was that I did not want to give all to Jesus, only part but He would not except part of me but all. But I loved my life and didn't want to lose it, so I seemed to be in a tug o'war with Satan on one of my arms and Jesus on the other. After a couple of months of this I had a dream three nights in a row. I was in a dark room, so dark I could not see my hand in front of my face. And in this room was someone that kept saying over and over again "Give your life to Christ, it's the most important thing you will do". I would wake up. The next night the same dream, wake up and the next night the same dream again. That morning I got in the car to go to work one man and got out the car a different man, as I had repented of my sins and given Him my who life 100%.

What I am trying to say Nigel is do not just give Him your drug addiction, but your whole life without any restrictions.

Blessings Steve

Amen SteveHale, I can totally relate to your testimony. The Lord indeed does not like for us to try to play games with Him. It's either all or nothing.

Drifter,

There is a saying in sales that facts tell but stories sell. I pray you will listen to this story to the very end and call out to God for your soul not only to be saved but to be baptized in the Holy Ghost in just the manner that Duncan Campbell relates. Get hold of God.

http://ia600705.us.archive.org/14/items/SERMONINDEX_SID0560/SID0560.mp3