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Lord ... in Today's Church System of round holes, why do i feel like a square peg? …

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Rahman May 12, 2005

The fact that one doesn’t fit into the world brings comfort to a saint, but when one finds oneself at odds with most other fellow Christians about matters of the Church then there seems to be a real problem … You might find yourself asking, “Why do the oddities of the modern Church bother me so Lord, when others seem to be just fine with them”? … “Is it me Lord, or is there really something not quite right with the status quo of Your Body today, and if that’s the case then why is my spirit burdened with it”? … “Am I just a never satisfied nit picker operating out of my flesh, or is it You cogitating my spirit to action”? … “Is it You calling, and if so what type of calling is it, and what is it that You’d have me do”? …If such feelings are “self” promoted then we can just repent of them and get on about our business, but if such feelings are Holy Spirit promoted then no amount of human rationalization will make them go away … From my own experience the only way to dissolve the fire of His unction that becomes shut up in my bones is to go forth under the Power of the unction to fulfilling His instruction …This is my final excerpt installment from Os Guinness’s book, “Prophetic Untimliness” entitled:Misfits in an Ill-Fitting WorldQUOTE:For any Christians who would speak out today in a time of the church’s deepening cultural captivity prophetic untimeliness carries a clear cost. In fact, there are three in particular.The first cost of prophetic untimeliness is a sense of maladjustment. When society is increasingly Godless and the Church increasingly corrupt, faithfulness carries a price: The man or woman who lives by faith does not fit in. There is no sugarcoating the loneliness caused by prophetic untimeliness.This was the hard lot of most of the Hebrew prophets. Isaiah of Jerusalem was expressly warned by God, “You are not to call hard what this people call hard. It is the Lord of Hosts whom you should hold sacred; He must be the object of your fear and awe”. Jeremiah was told similarly, “Brace yourself, Jeremiah. Tell them everything I bid you; when you confront them, do not let your spirit break, or I shall break you before their eyes”. “Ezekiel’s commission was equally stern: “But the Israelites will refuse to listen to you for, for they refuse to listen to Me; all of them are brazen faced”. Some have said that Jeremiah’s message was the hardest of all the prophets, a patriot commissioned to speak like a traitor. Others have said his nature was the most sensitive. What we do know is that he reacted with intense feelings of isolation and betrayal: “Because I felt your hand upon me I have sat alone, for you have filled me with indignation. Why then is my pain unending, and my wound desperate, past all healing”? “0 God”, he even complains, “You are like a brook that fails, whose waters are not to be relied on”. God’s answer to Jeremiah is severe, almost unsympathetic. “If you turn back to me, I shall take you back. This people may turn again to you, but you are not to turn to them. To withstand them I shall make you strong, an unsealed wall of bronze”. Similarly, it was said of Athanasius, the great fourth-century champion of orthodoxy that he was “Athanasius contra mundum” (against the world). As many lonely and embattled Christians know in our own day, it can be strenuous and demanding to live before the Audience of One. Making unpopular stands or speaking uncomfortable words on His behalf can be painful to the point of anguish. The second cost of prophetic untimeliness is a sense of impatience. For when society becomes Godless and the Church corrupt, the forward purposes of God appear to be bogged down and obstructed, and the person who lives by faith feels the frustration. At such a moment, untimely people see beyond the present impasse to the coming time when better possibilities are fulfilled. Their response to any delay of the vision is impatience, raw, bit-chomping impatience. And their natural cry is, “How long, 0 Lord”? This point is the exact opposite of what is supposed. As the common account runs, anyone who resists the current opinions of the majority or the forward march of the dominant power must be obstructionist. The prevalent trend is “progressive”, so resistance must be “reactionary”. Those who don’t want to go forward obviously want to go backwards. Those who disagree with what the “right” people know to be wise and good are clearly wrong headed and muddled. “You’re out of line”, they’re told. Get out of our way or be crushed by the relentless juggernaut of history.Is it ever too late to be what we might have been, and to do what we might have done? For followers of Jesus the kairos moment, the right time in all its fullness of opportunity, is in God’s hands not ours. And this earth, this life, and our endeavors are not all we have. So the final End of All Days is assured, and the Days of the Lord that come before then will come again and again and again, as often as God promises or threatens them. But for those who see those days from afar, and whose faithfulness makes them untimely people in their own age, the wait will still be long and the impatience will still be strong. “How long, 0 Lord” will be their cry, and often it will be a cry of pain.The third cost of prophetic untimeliness is a sense of failure. For when society becomes Godless and the Church corrupt, the prospects of good people succeeding are significantly dimmed and the temptation to feel a failure is ever present. In today’s world, this dilemma confronts us in the form of an added double bind. On the one hand, we are told by a myriad of Christian speakers that we should be thinking about our legacy, the clear knowledge of our contribution after our time on earth. On the other hand, we are told by countless other Christians that ambition is always wrong; synonymous with egotism, it is selfish and quite un-Christian.Both of these positions are wrong. In fact, they are the opposite way around. For as followers of Jesus we can and should be ambitious, but we should never be concerned with our legacies. And the reason lies in the character of calling. When all that we are, and have, and do becomes a response to God’s call, we live, in Oswald Chambers’s famous words, “our utmost for His highest”. Created to be who we are, and called to be who God knows we can be, we each reach higher and farther as we rise to God’s call. This is the Christian equivalent of the Greeks pursuit of excellence, rising to be the very best that we can be. But “our utmost for His highest” is also the profoundest, the most sublime, and the worthiest ambition that has ever stirred the human heart.A simple consequence follows. If we define all that we are before our great Caller and live our lives before one audience, the Audience of the One, then we cannot define or decide our own achievements and our own success. It is not for us to say what we have accomplished. It is not for us to pronounce ourselves successful. It is not for us to spell out what our legacy has been. Indeed, it is not even for us to know. Only the Caller can say. Only the Last Day will tell. Only the final “Well done” will show what we have really done. ) Those who are called must therefore wait. We can, if we like, thumb our noses at the “b*tch goddess of success”, and live carelessly when it comes to concerns such as “legacy”. But being human, at times this is simply not enough. And just as we want to bring forward the vision rather than hope and trust, so we want to know if we have really succeeded rather than wait for God’s “Well done”. Any sense of failure, then, is maddening, for a calling is a project like any venture. And after all, who likes to fail at any task we take on? Yet the truth is that in certain situations and periods of history, failure is only to be expected. Such a setting is surely the key to understanding God's celebrated words to Baruch, scribe to the prophet Jeremiah: “Do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them”. This is often taken as a blanket veto on all ambition, but it is more a comment on ambition in Baruch’s time, a time of devastation after the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians in 586 B.C. In King David’s time, or even later in the reign of good kings such as Hezekiah and Josiah, a man of character with ambition might easily have risen to the top of society. But in the grim days of King Zedekiah, evil rather than goodness was fashionable, so there was little scope for good men or women to succeed. The price of faithfulness was apparent failure. Baruch would not succeed, God tells him, but a least his life would be protected.How do we each react when we find that our noblest dreams and most profound strivings are staring in the face failure? Never for one moment must we allow ourselves an excuse to ease up in pursuing God's call. Not for a second can we think of taking the bitter pill of apparent failure and sugarcoating it with rationalizations about the difficult times in which we live. God knew the times in which He called us to live, and He alone knows the outcome of our times as He knows the outcome of our lives and work". Our failures may be His success. Our setbacks may prove His turning points. Our disasters may turn out to be His triumphs. What matters for us is that His gifts are our calling.So every day our work is like a prayer. And every day we give back all we can of God’s gifts to Him, with love, and trust, and hope.:beard: ... This is a great little book!

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ravin May 12, 2005

I thank the Lord that he has called a few to be watchmen. found worthy to the call. many a prophet has found himself standing alone. John the Baptist, Jeremiah and you. some are ment to be leaders (you) others only follow. listen to the spirit and you will make a differance in the kingdom. when you lead only Christ the lord is before you and those who will listen to the word will follow his word for they know his voice.Walk in his steps. Bro. Raven

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ZekeO May 12, 2005

Have you read an article by David Smithers called: New Pioneers of revivalI found it quite encouraging to read.As much as I love the church I am in, I feel the same way. The only course of action that is left open to me is to pray more and with more earnestness.

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Rahman May 12, 2005

Brother Raven,Bless you for such words of encouragement! ... :-D You wrote;"listen to the Spirit and you will make a differance in the kingdom" ...Amen, Christ and "the kingdom" is what it's all about ...Matt.6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.Rom.14:17 - For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost ... :knockedout: Bless you again bro! ...

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Rahman May 12, 2005

Wow brother Zeke,How long have you been sitting on this link? ... Man this just says it all ...These points stuck out for me ..."Though at times, they (revival pioneers) grow fainthearted and discouraged in their heavenly pursuit, they always finds themselves rising again to cry out for God to rend the heavens and come down" - (Isa 64:1-4)i have become strongly convinced that Holy Spirit provides such revival pioneers with His "gift of faith" to urge us on for all the odds, and certainly the great majority of the status quo scream "That's not possible"! ... "You're crazy"! ... Which brings me to this part ... You’re NOT Crazy! ... :-PHas this divine heartache ever made you wonder if you were going crazy? Many of the early pioneers that pulled up roots and moved west often experienced similar emotions before leaving the safety and comfort of their established homes. In spite of the fact that they enjoyed and valued their property and neighbors around them, they still somehow felt as if they didn’t quite fit in and belong. As hard as they tried, they couldn’t seem to shake a growing hunger and burden for something more. The pioneer spirit deep within them was driving them to keep moving and looking west. In much the same way, today there are thousands of young revival pioneers who share these same intense and sometimes bewildering feelings. I am talking about something born of the Holy Spirit, a divine discontentment that will not let you settle for anything less than the manifest presence of Jesus Christ.Unfamiliar with God’s revival process, some young pioneers seek to escape the touch of God upon their hearts. Over and over again, they struggle to fit in with the Church’s most recent "cutting edge" agenda. Yet, lasting relief seems to never come. Even in the midst of renewed and vibrant fellowships, the young pioneer oftentimes still feels like a spiritual misfit and outsider. While others in the Church seem completely satisfied, the revival pioneer in the exact same setting fights to hold back the tears and hunger for something more. Do these disjointed feelings and uncomfortable emotions sound familiar? Is your hungry heart confused and puzzled over where you fit in the house of God? Perhaps God has not allowed you to "FIT" in!Often there is not a hearing for the pioneer’s prophetic message until after a fresh work of God has begun to be realized. Therefore, young pioneers should not be surprised when they are accused of being idealistic and impractical in their message and methodology. Such criticism and misunderstandings are often a part of God’s training process in becoming a spiritual forerunner. These trials help to deepen the work of endurance and humility in the pioneer’s heart. Though at times they are slighted and even harshly rejected, the true pioneer learns by trial and error, how to bear it all in meekness, patience and love. Nevertheless, let each pastor and spiritual leader take care that they don’t too quickly dismiss a young pioneer’s sincere passion and zeal as simply the critical spirit of an immature rebel.Young pioneer, be encouraged! These feelings of loneliness and holy dissatisfaction are all part of God’s process within you. Pioneers have always gone out in small waves in order to prepare the way for the masses. Nevertheless,- beware of letting the uniqueness of your calling be an excuse for fleshly strife and division with other believers. - Remember that we will NEVER build the house of revival with Satan’s tools of anger and strife! - Don’t waste your time constantly striving and wrangling with those who don’t share your vision and passion for revival. - Get in the prayer closet and unburden your broken heart to the Father. Give yourself to fervent prayer and don’t stop until the glory comes. - Ask the Lord to send people into your life with a similar gift and vision. - Read the classic works on the great moves of God. The Father wants you to nurture this passion and vision for something MORE, but you will have to make sacrifices in order to keep it. - The larger the vision, the lonelier the path you will have to walk. A GOD size vision ALWAYS requires a great amount of grace, love and humility.Brother Zeke these last points have really spoken to my heart ... Bless you for being His instrument to the sharing of this info!

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moreofHim May 13, 2005

I remember reading Smither's "New Pioneers of Revival" about 3 years ago and just being so happy that someone else felt like me. That there was a reason why i felt the way I did.Now I realize that I am still being refined into a "pioneer". I have a long way to go and I was a fool to ever think I was close to it the day I read that article. Patience and endurance is what the Lord has been teaching me. He reminds me many times "SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE". It's not about how fast we can get something to happen or how fast we can get ourselves "fit" for His job.The revival pioneer must discern the difference between the things that are temporal and the things that are eternal. He must be willing to lay aside anything and everything that would potentially weaken his ability to reach his God ordained destination.Three years ago, I thought I knew the meaning of the above quote. I thought I knew the meaning to alot of things. But now, I see I am still in a major process of refining.Unitl I can say with absolute certainty "I am willing to be nothing, I am willing to be nobody, I am willing to lose my place in this world and not "claim" anything (rights, a title, name, blessings) - then I know i am close. And when others feel this same way, they are close.God has His own ways and His own timing. and unfortunately this kind of christianity that we are talking about- a radical commitment, a radical discernment within the body, a desire to be set apart and bring God His glory, a desire to get back to real christianity, to chase out all that is not of Christ in the body-- in my humble opinion- should be NORMAL christianity. What all believers who claim the name of Christ- should be like. It is not just for a select few who think we are more dedicated, wiser, above others and "hearing" from God better than others. We all have the same Holy Spirit. We all have the same indwelling. Some of us, have just not stepped up to the plate yet and said "God, whatever it takes, I am Your man/woman" and some of us just still have some stinking pride left in us.(I'll be the first one to raise my hand).Lord, help me be nothing- so you can be evertyhing. Help me disappear so all they can see is YOU. The more invisible I am , the more visible YOU are. It's all about YOU and not about me or any other person alive.Surrendered to Him, Chanin

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Rahman May 13, 2005

You know sister Chanin it's obvious to me from your post that a marked change has really taken place in you ... i had thought to post to you what i'm about to post earlier in our meeting but felt constrained, but not anymore ... Your usual sign off "Surrendered in Him" caused me to see Phil.1:6 in a whole different light, "Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ", it began saying to me technically that as long as we're down here on this low plane we're always, even if we reached the level of Paul, are "a work in progress" ... A work neither finished or perfected until such time as we meet our Lord either thru our death or rapture ... Amen, He wants us all to "surrender" to Him ...Webster: Surrender - a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of anothera : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)intransitive senses : to give oneself up into the power of another : YIELD synonym see RELINQUISHBut adding an "ed" says to me "mission accomplished, and none of us apart from physically being with Jesus can really truthfully, or completely call ourselves "surrendered" to Him can we? ... Please correct me if i'm wrong ... But the adding of "ing", "surrendering to Christ", daily, via Holy Spirit's continual work in me, has become my definition of my Christian walk, and based on so many of your own observations it seems true for your life also ...Quote:"I realize that I am still being refined into a "pioneer". I have a long way to go and I was a fool to ever think I was close to it the day I read that article".Quote: "Patience and endurance is what the Lord has been teaching me. He reminds me many times "SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE". It's not about how fast we can get something to happen or how fast we can get ourselves "fit" for His job".Quote:Three years ago, I thought I knew the meaning of the above quote. I thought I knew the meaning to alot of things. But now, I see I am still in a major process of refining".Quote:Unitl I can say with absolute certainty "I am willing to be nothing, I am willing to be nobody, I am willing to lose my place in this world and not "claim" anything (rights, a title, name, blessings) - then I know i am close. And when others feel this same way, they are close.Quote:We all have the same indwelling. Some of us, have just not stepped up to the plate yet and said "God, whatever it takes, I am Your man/woman" and some of us just still have some stinking pride left in us.(I'll be the first one to raise my hand).Quote:Lord, help me be nothing so you can be evertyhing. Help me disappear so all they can see is YOU. The more invisible I am , the more visible YOU are. One of the things that really bugs me about myself are my inconsistencies with our Lord ... "Why Lord am i more surrendered to You on one day, and then taking back self authority on the next" ... Rom.7:19 - "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do" ... And our Lord answers, "Because you're My work in progress of surrendering toward My appointed time of your complete surrender" ... Which by my estimation will never be until we meet our Savior face to face ... So in the meanwhile (to me) as we're pressing on toward the mark of His high calling we just have to keep trusting He who is the only One able to keep us from falling, and to present us faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy" ...Perhaps as i've found for myself, "Surrendering to Him" might be an even better sign off for you as your definition of your relationship to Him ... If not, then please just disregard the content of this post, but not the love that i feel for you as my "high reaching" sister in Christ, for i know of few saints with such a hunger of truly diligently seeking to be "more like Him" ... Amen

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moreofHim May 13, 2005

In the past 9 months I have had to battle cancer, and the fear that goes along with it. And my husband had an affair after 15 yrs of marriage.I thought my last three yrs in the wilderness (out of the religious system) was my refining process. But in actuality it is no where near the refining process that these last two things I've gone through are.I am being reduced to nothing.And it is so that Christ can be all.All I can say is that i prayed for this, I asked for it. I just had no idea how painful it would be and how serious God would take this.I guess I've used "surrendered" to Him because as I sign off, I see myself pictured as a surrendered vessel, laying myself at his feet. I don't mean that i've already surrendered completely and fully, though I have for as much as I have been shown. He daily and weekly shows me new things to surrender over to Him. So, yes, I am "surrendering" to Him. But I lay "surrendered" at His feet.Blessings, Bro. Rahman. In His love, Chanin

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ZekeO May 13, 2005

moreofHim wrote:In the past 9 months I have had to battle cancer, and the fear that goes along with it. And my husband had an affair after 15 yrs of marriage.Gracious Chanin :-( You are one courageous lady to share such with part saint/part thugs that frequent this site. 1 Sam 25

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Rahman May 13, 2005

Sister Chanin you wrote:"I am being reduced to nothing.And it is so that Christ can be all.All I can say is that i prayed for this, I asked for it. I just had no idea how painful it would be and how serious God would take this".Amen, that you did ...Do you remember the e-mail conversation we had about my concern of your being aware that what you were diligently seeking from Christ was the same diligent seeking that Peter sought, and Christ pretty much told him "you know not what you ask"? ... If not i do, and i also remember that it did not dampen your desire to be "more like Him" one iota ... Well that sent me into a lot of prayer for you because to me that said you we're open to experiencing an above average suffering and brokeness, one that most saints today don't even ask for in ignorance, let alone a knowing saint having Peter for comparrison of seeking to be so much like Jesus ... i remember telling you of my experience about praying to be "more patient" and then all hell seemed to break loose in my life ... Then one day upon talking to my pastor he showed me in scripture where it says, "Tribulation worketh patience" ... i forthwith discontinued my praying for patience, but my little story didn't deter you ... So when you began sharing the pain that had begun to take place in your life i hope i didn't come across to harsh to you in my saying, "Well now you've got to put your faith where your mouth is", for there was really nothing else to say, your rubber was truly on the road ... You may not think so, but from where i sit i think you're doing a pretty good job of "walking by faith" in His decreasing of you to becoming "more of Him" ... Crucifiction is cruel, but Resurrection is glorious, and powerful, and when our Lord brings you thru this He'll be able to work thru you in ways not possible prior ... You may not be feeling like much of "a blessing" right now, but i can tell you that you we're to me back when we first met, you're even moreso now, but nowhere near what you're bound to be as each passing day reveals more of your future ... You no longer "have a word from God", "you are a word from God" ... When i look at you in comparrison to my own mission i think, "Now is not the time to let go, but to cling on even tighter to Jesus, for it's always darkest just before the dawn"! ... "Sister Chanin stay "surrendered" at His feet for your life right now, and how you're allowing Holy Spirit to manuever you thru this vile valley, is witnessing your glorified "faith in action" and not just words to all around you, especially to your daughters ... What you're enduring, yea but even moreso what you are "overcoming", is your greatest testimony yet that He is indeed answering your request to be "more like Him", gold tried by fire ... In the beloved name of Jesus keep on overcoming"! ... Amen "For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God? ... 1John.5:4,5i love you sis, and continue to pray with you ...Br. R

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Compton May 13, 2005

I am being reduced to nothing.I And it is so that Christ can be all.Lately I have been made aware of how my esteem for my brothers and sisters is far too weak. Chanin, you humble me sister. You have become a broken bottle of perfume that fragrances this forum.MC

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roadsign May 13, 2005

As I read this thread I realize that I have been spending my entire life avoiding the life of the pioneer. I have been wishing to arrive somewhere soon - trying to make life feel in control, free from of all the chaos, confusion, and uncertainty, craving to finally be be settled. I have been wanting to be a part of spiritual success (my preferred notion of revival). However, a pioneer does not experience those luxuries - and maybe never gets to "arrive". A pioneer is always living a life of uncertainty and pain. Nine years ago someone envisioned me as a lonely Columbus type of ship bobbing on an ocean, not knowing where she was going, sailing through uncharted waters, being driven by the wind of the Spirit. How true that has turned out to be! Revival pioneers are ordained of God to violently move Heaven and Earth Pehaps this is happening very subbtly - like when we suggest "outlandish notions" (God's prophetic word). When we shake someone's rigid mindset, we are moving "heaven and earth". It all happens in the minds of people. And that is where the resitance originates. Churches don't want to be moved. On the contrary, they are trying to smooth things over, to keep the boat from rocking. No wonder we constantly feel guilty - feeling like we may have troubled someone, inconvenienced them, feeling like a failure, feeling shamed, austrisized etc by those steeped in hypocrisy. That is all part of the experience of the pioneer. I know I have a long way to go before I am totally surrendered to God - totally accepting the calling of the pioneer. You folk sure help me a lot! Thanks for your comments. Diane

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Rahman May 13, 2005

Sister Diane,Your post ending:"You folk sure help me a lot! Thanks for your comments"Reminded me of this excerpt from brother Zeke's link;The Law of The FrontierA person’s chances of surviving on the open frontier were often determined by his or her own willingness to cooperate and work with others. One of the unwritten laws of the western frontier was, "be a good neighbor". The constant threat and uncertainty of life on the trail taught the pioneers to appreciate the safety found in numbers. Therefore, most pioneer families, when they set out West joined several other families who were making the same journey. Typically what often started as a disjointed band of individuals and small cliques usually grew into a healthy and vibrant traveling community. Serving and considering one another’s basic needs became a way of life. Cultivating an atmosphere of forbearance and unity was no longer just a luxury, but a daily NECESSITY! (Eph 4:14-16)Prior to our Lord leading me to SI i had no idea there were other "pioneer" saints out and about in the wilderness, let alone those of us who dare to acknowledge in anything else but sign language our belief to be called of God as prophet ... In this respect SI has been a God send toward the building up and keeping up of my morale because humanly we find comfort in knowing we're not alone ... So for me "helping" fellow pioneers is a no brainer, and i thank God for anykind of help He provides to me back thru anyone else ...In comfortable settings ravens are just big, ugly, noisy black birds ... but as Elijah did attest to those God has in His wilderness they're the prettiest bird in the world ... We may congregate on these threads as fellow "pioneers", but in our postings, by God's grace, we also become one anothers ravens of sustaining "help" for our oft times weary and troubled souls ... Just think, not only has God shown you where you were, but now where you are, and that you're not alone, especially in your case knowing brother Lahry ...God is good all of the time! ... :-D

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roadsign May 14, 2005

A person’s chances of surviving on the open frontier were often determined by his or her own willingness to cooperate and work with others.I have been struggling with the seemingly conflicting truth that we must be willing to stand alone with Christ, and also we must connect with others. I have discovered that a healthy kind of inter-connectedness is possible only when we have learned to walk alone with the Lord - and rely on him. I like your "raven" analogy. Yes, in our moments of deep neediness, the ravens are such a thing of beauty. Diane

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Spitfire May 15, 2005

And that is where the resitance originates. Churches don't want to be moved. On the contrary, they are trying to smooth things over, to keep the boat from rocking. No wonder we constantly feel guilty - feeling like we may have troubled someone, inconvenienced them, feeling like a failure, feeling shamed, austrisized etc by those steeped in hypocrisy. That is all part of the experience of the pioneer. Reading through this thread this morning, I am reminded of something which I believe I heard through an Art Katz message, it was something like this: You may not find out if you were right or wrong until judgement day.The most difficult part of being a "pioneer" is the dichotomy of 'should I stay here and just build a nice quiet life and support those around me? or, should I press on in my madness looking out of my mind, not quite certain where I am going or what it is I am looking for exactly, while hurting others along the way as they ponder what's up with me? Then, of course, you are always having to deal with the onslaught of Satan's accusations: "You are selfish", "You aren't loving", "If you really loved people, you would stop pushing them", "If you really loved people, you would settle down with them here and work to 'get along'", "You're a rebel", "You're blind to your own failings", "You just want to be right". So, because you haven't arrived at a confidence that where you are headed is really anywhere at all, you constantly pause or stop on the trail, walk back a ways, build a lean-to and think of settling right here, cry your eyes out, want to die, rally yourself again and walk a little further fighting lions and tigers and bears, beating back the brush, getting bitten by snakes and mosquitos, laying there at night in the dark scratching and wondering, "what is wrong with me?", constantly trying to figure out if you are crazy or being driven on by God. But...something in you won't let you stop. I have stopped before, only to go again. It's maddening, the lonliness and uncertainty of it all. This is how I felt this morning. I'm glad I read through this thread. All you guys mean so much to me. I see the smoke from your campfires and it warms my heart to know there are others of like mind out here. I love you. You make me feel like, maybe I'm not crazy after all. Dian.

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