I'm REALLY in trouble now!

Since coming to SI in August 2004, my definition of salvation has been dismantled and rebooted. I have seen that I was not a Christian for all those years that I said I was. After all, I had prayed the "sinner's prayer". I can't even put it into words, this change that has taken place in my thinking, but I know it has transformed my heart.The problem is, now I see this tremendous situation that Christians face of all the 'false conversions' that have given people a 'false security'. I'm looking at dead religion all around me. It's everywhere! It's become a treat to me to meet someone who is truly born again who posesses the fear of the Lord and is humbled by their salvation.Now that I am able to see it so clearly, I'm talking about it with others. I'm finding myself more and more alienated from people. My own family is angry with me now because my definition of salvation has left them in the category of unsaved. A real stink has been created in my so-called Christian family. My mother is angry. My two sisters are angry. They think I have flipped. Today, my sister asked me point blank, "do you think I am saved?" I had to answer honestly, "no". I realize it doesn't matter what I think, but shouldn't we all be thinking what God thinks? Is salvation that cheap? You can go right on through life with blatant, unrepentant sin, and yet you're going to spend eternity with the Holy God of All Creation? Should we be talking about this? I am in deep waters now. I've never been here before. I feel like God has shot me out of an airplane into a jungle and I've landed in a tree. My feet are just dangling. I feel like something really big has ahold of me, but my feet aren't touching the ground. I can't go anywhere and even if I could, I don't know which direction to go in. I've never been through anything like this before. Love, Dian.

What you once cherished has become dung.What was once joy has become sorrow. Your left in the dark regarding His plan and His purpose and His desire for your life. Is anyone else experincing this, or am I alone on this?I am experiencing this. That's what I meant by dangling from a tree. Are you sick, Bro.? Maybe I missed something. Dian.

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God. Dian rejoice in that you have tasted the goodness of God. Your relationship with Him comes first. I say rejoice!Now when you have this mind, this mind of Christ, He will show you how to love those around you. Imagine how Christ felt when He said O Jerusalem O Jerusalem how many times have I wanted to gather you under my wings. His heart's cry is yours. Your are becoming one with Him. Do you see how He suffered? Do you see what Paul speaks of when he talks about sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Do not condemn but exhort. Love God with your whole heart, and He will show you how you should minister to those around you. Listen to Isaiah 35:3 \tStrengthen the weak hands,\tAnd make firm the feeble knees. 4 \tSay to those who are fearful-hearted,\t“Be strong, do not fear!\tBehold, your God will come with vengeance,\tWith the recompense of God;\tHe will come and save you.” 5 \tThen the eyes of the blind shall be opened,\tAnd the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. 6 \tThen the lame shall leap like a deer,\tAnd the tongue of the dumb sing.\tFor waters shall burst forth in the wilderness,\tAnd streams in the desert. 7 \tThe parched ground shall become a pool,\tAnd the thirsty land springs of water;\tIn the habitation of jackals, where each lay,\tThere shall be grass with reeds and rushes. 8 \tA highway shall be there, and a road,\tAnd it shall be called the Highway of Holiness.\tThe unclean shall not pass over it,\tBut it shall be for others.\tWhoever walks the road, although a fool,\tShall not go astray. Listen again, whoever walks the road, although a fool, shall not go astray.He is with you to guide you and to strengthen you. Again, rejoice for you have seen the Light of Life!In ChristJeff

My dear sister Dian, (from Diane)What a confession!!!!!! Your words blow me away; because just today I submitted a similar testimony (Revival begins with ME) sharing how I too discovered (a few years ago) that I wasn't really saved all these years that I thought I was!!! I still find it hard to actually admit it - but I finally took the big plunge and confessed it on SI. Like you, I too discovered that others don't want to hear it, and are quick to sugar coat it. My best friend said, "Of course you were a Christian!!" I discovered that I didn't fit the criteria of a saved person through my study of Scripture. I was not trusting not in Christ's redemption like I assumed it was. My repentance has involved giving up my trust in the world, others, the church, and esp my own works and righteousness. God has been stripping me of all that - a gruesome process indeed. Before anyone cries out to God, they have to face the horrifying reality about themselves - that no one seeks God. see Rom. 3:10 ff.I praise God, he rescued me and led me to Christ.I share your burden about the many who THINK they are saved, but are not. Dear God, please open the eyes of the blind! Please rescue them - for your glory. PS - You're NOT in trouble now!!! It's when you are oblivious that you REALLY are in trouble!

I think what is really neat (and God ordained) is that over the last couple of years that SI has been online, many people (from different countries) have come on here with the same confession, or at least looking for others who feel the same.They are looking for that deeper life, that they know must exhist. I just thank the Lord, that He awakened something within us to see the truth, to cause us to seek the truth and to want to live it out. Praise God for His mercy! :-) Don't worry Dian, since my "awakening", my mom still thinks I am wacko and will hardly talk to me- and she is also a christian (confesses to be).After awhile you do find a balance, more of a sense of peace (almost) about it all. You learn patience and more wisdom and how to know when to say things and when to just pray about it instead.One thing I have learned more than anything this year is that what i once thought was zeal - was many times flesh.You will question everyone (their faith and motives)and everything at first, but now, I don't as much. I "know" what is and what is not of God, yet I judge less and have confidence in God's ability to do what He does best.I guess what I mean is that I used to think it was up to me to let everyone know the truth and that it was up to me to show others their errors. I still see those errors, but through different eyes. I see them through the potential they could have when Christ is done working with them. :)After many harsh words and being quick to judge, I see that I had taken the wrong approach many times. I've learned to leave many people and situations in the Lord's hands. To be available when needed, but most importantly just to LIVE CHRIST DAILY. This is the best witness, the best way of saying anything to anyone.I have found that even just living a more Christ-like life is an offense in itself :-) I think I came to the conclusion that i never wanted to be a hypocrite, so I better make sure that I search my heart in all areas before saying something to someone else about their lack of living a Christ-like life.The one word, more than any other that the Lord has taught me to learn these past few years is "forbearance". He told me very clearly that i "needed" to learn it. :-) Now I know why. I didn't have much two or three years ago. But I did have zeal and i thought everything had to be said and done RIGHT NOW. I was foolish and now see that God is sovereign. He has it all under control.Blessings to you Dian! Keep pressing in and pressing on. We are all doing the same right along with you.In His love, Chanin

I praise God that you are changing sister! That is great encouragement to see people changing, changing to be more like Jesus. I can see the Lord is doing great job in your heart sister.Keep pressing in and pressing on. We are all doing the same right along with you.Yes! Amen.

If we never know that we are bad we really dont change thank god for what you have done here!!

About this state of affairs, I have been grumpy-growly and snappy-snarly, for a long time, inwardly feeling not ready to take on the world and working out why that might be! It is only recently occurring to me that unless I am conformed to the Lord's joy, offering the world a more cheerful demeanour, I am unlikely to attract anyone to Him! It sounds appalling to own up to this miserable condition, but I've been keeping my distance from people while dealing with my fears and unwillingness to stand in the firing line.Maybe this is what I need to do for a while till I feel my feet touching on something solid. Good words. Love, Dian.

Dian Dear, It is good that you're in this state. The crime of the Laodiceans was not their blindness, not their wretchedness or their poverty but it is because they don't know that they are necked and it's because they say they are rich. Sis, I tell you God is taking you to the first step of Christianity knowing that you are wretched, necked, blind and poor. This is a phase of godly knowledge! So far you say you are rich while you are poor, you say you know while you don't really know, you say that you see when you are blind, you say you are a Christian while you are not. The Lord recently is taking me to the same bone breaking process and I wish he could break me more that I may be filled of His fullness with the extent of the depth of my brokenness. I was recently reading the story of the saints of the catacombs- the first century Christians, and I was totally dismantled like you and I passed through with what seems an identity crises- I said I am a Christian but the contrast shows that I'm not. But this was not without hope. My inner being hopes HIS Salvation! I am ashamed before HIM for I sinned against Him but I hope on whom I have sinned against! Dian this time it is not about your sister and your family or anyone around you ITS ALL ABOUT YOU, God meant to find you and make you his own. For now He is not concerned about the witness you give or not first the vessel has to be dealt! Then you will bring millions to His Kingdom after being dealt with HIM! Don't worry about that. Now is not the time for you to worry on what is going with others, infact keep quiet and simply give your self to be dealt-actually you cannot do otherwise, God has put you in a helpless ground. Dian my dear Sis, I think you are the chosen one for this end time and what I share you is not from my head its from my heart! I long for the "Day of His Power" where he make us his own jewles!Your sis Mekdi

Dian this time it is not about your sister and your family or anyone around you ITS ALL ABOUT YOU, God meant to find you and make you his own. For now He is not concerned about the witness you give or not first the vessel has to be dealt! Then you will bring millions to His Kingdom after being dealt with HIM! Don't worry about that. Now is not the time for you to worry on what is going with others, infact keep quiet and simply give your self to be dealt-actually you cannot do otherwise, God has put you in a helpless ground.Mekdi, you're words speak right to my spirit today. I needed that so bad! I awoke this morning so grieved in my heart. I miss my Mommy! I lay in bed thinking about people in Muslim countries or Jewish families who convert to Christianity. They get completely austracized from their families! No one can feel 'good' about that! I feel awful that my mom and sisters are now distant from me. I lay in bed trying to think how I can 'fix' this problem and I realized I can't. I can't apologize for what I've said, because I meant it. I could apologize for maybe the way I said it, but that wouldn't change anything now. Now is not the time for you to worry on what is going with others, infact keep quiet and simply give your self to be dealt-actually you cannot do otherwise, God has put you in a helpless ground. I didn't see this coming. I went gleefully to this cross, not realizing it was the cross. Now that I'm on it, I don't like it! Jesus said, if he wanted to, he could call 10,000 angels to deliver him off the cross, but I'm glad we can't do that. I thought my face was set like a flint to go to the cemetary, but dying hurts. Nevertheless, I want to go. Is it ok to cry along the way? The angel of the Lord told Lot not to look back, also, there's a scripture that says if we put our hands to the plow and look back, we are not worthy to be His disciples. But...it also says to count the cost before you build the house, unless you get half-way thru and find that you cannot finish it, then look foolish. One time, many years ago, I heard God say, "I'm not playing 'footsie' with you anymore." Footsie is a game that is flirtatious. Two people who are fond of each other touch feet under the table. God wants to be our open love, not just fondling under the table. THAT is gonna cost us everything! Selah, Dian.

Only you can find the grace to pick your way through this minefield, trusting the Lord to give you boldness when necessary and perhaps saying less and praying more, the rest of the time. More and more, I find myself incredulous about my previous assumptions; but this is a good place to be, grappling with stark reality!..Should we be talking about this?' It's good to share honestly and get feedback, as it helps to confirm our sanity in the Lord.Ah yes! Wonderful... abide, always... "...and I in you" The bold above, Oh the very truth of that. It has been so prevalent in experience of late, so often contrary to the fleshly charateristics... And if it is let, it can go much deeper than a silencing of the tongue, our merely un vocalized thought's can still be betrayed by the expressions on our faces. There is still a further reduction to be done.This is some rich content in this thread, you sisters, how I thank God for you. There is often a more penetrating...something... that comes through you.

Dian, your testimony is inspiring. It is wonderful to see how the Holy Spirit is still working on people. It is also true that when you have given yourself over to the Lordship of Jesus, people around you will give you a lot of static because of who they serve.There is one suggestion I would make and that is when someone asks whether you think they are a Christian, it might be best to answer with a question of your own which will tell that person in his/her own mind the answer to his/her question. Just for starters you could ask: have you experienced forgiveness for all of your sins? Or, tell me about your walk with the LORD Jesus? Or, are you obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit? Or, do you find walking with God a joy? And none of these may be the right one...these are given just to help you start thinking. But when you are being led by the Spirit, He will help you.I have worked as a volunteer in a ministry for 15 years and I am certain a co-worker of mine was not walking with the LORD. She was a Sunday School teacher, knows the Bible BUT and that is the kicker. She gets angry when we discuss 'once saved always saved.' What makes me question her salvation is that I never heard her talk about her daily walk with the LORD. She does not demonstrate the joy of the LORD. But I am not the judge, I am only an observer. And I still love that lady and she knows it.Blessings,Ginnyrose

I am in deep waters now. I've never been here before. I feel like God has shot me out of an airplane into a jungle and I've landed in a tree. My feet are just dangling. I feel like something really big has ahold of me, but my feet aren't touching the ground. I can't go anywhere and even if I could, I don't know which direction to go in. I've never been through anything like this before. Love, Dian.

Bretheren, this thread was started in May of '05 and the above is a quote from my starting post. This is August of '07. I've been a member of SI since August, 04.

A few weeks ago I had a dream in which I was with my daughter and my son in some large park like area. It was a combination of like a national park and amusement park and something like an aquarium like you would visit in a large city. While inside the aquarium portion, my 11 year old son became separated from us and I was panicking trying to find him in the crowd. I was running around trying to find him and finally I spotted him, but he had changed clothes. This fact, (that he had gone to the restroom and changed clothes), made me angry with him because I had been trying to recognize him in the crowd by what I remembered him wearing that day. I was quite upset at that point and I turned to my daughter, who is 28 and said, "Let's go home. Which way is it to the car?" She immediately began leading us out of this huge place, but she struck off into the woods and began to climb up a huge tree and leap from bough to bough and I was trying to follow her, but finally we were at a large river and I was extremely high up in a tree and I was looking at her, (she had crossed this river on the boughs of trees, literally leaping from bough to bough), and I was scared and trembling and frustrated and I just felt it was impossible to go forward or to go backward and I was crying and angry. I didn't like this ridiculous, difficult path which she had taken in trying to get me where I wanted to go and now I was stuck. That was the end of the dream.

When I awakened, as I lay there in bed, I told the Lord, "this is how I feel, spiritually". Once again, I feel stuck very high up in the trees with no way to go forward, back, up, or down, except, in the dream, I suppose I could have gone forward across that river on the tree boughs, but I was too scared.

I think I've actually tried to go back the way I came recently. I went back to church and tried to fit in, but that was a dead end. Now, many things have happened that have left me feeling frustrated and hopeless that things are ever going to change. My mother is dying of cancer. My husband has taken a job working out of town five days a week. My daughter has moved to another state. I work alone on the same frustrating job that I've done for 26 years...

Isn't this a tale of woe...I'm just stuck! It's time for me to take a leap of faith. Last night, I was discussing my dream (about the park) with a friend and I suddenly remembered my post from over 2 years ago where I described feeling as though I had been parachuted by God into a jungle and I was dangling from a tree. I've got to get out of these trees! Love, Dian.

Dear Dian,

It has been a long time hasn't it? Must say I love seeing these old posts resurrected and brought forth again. There has been so much shared, so much prayed for, much of experience and hardship ... trouble.

It did dawn on me that it seems the Lord continues to take those committed to places of difficulty and tension, in fact would almost be concerned if there wasn't something of this nature going on in some form or fashion for very long, not withstanding those [i]times of refreshing[/i]. In other words to hear of some difficult choices to be made, some [i]pathos[/i] to be plunged into, proves out the opposite of what our modern day Christendom would have it; "Favor" and "Blessings" and all the rest, even when the Sermon on the Mount would speak to those things that are really [i]blessed[/i]. Guess the attempt here is, to hear of such things, though difficult and even somewhat painful ... Prove His involvement not His absence?

Goodness, hope this doesn't sound like advice, just a pondering.

I think I've actually tried to go back the way I came recently. I went back to church and tried to fit in, but that was a dead end. Now, many things have happened that have left me feeling frustrated and hopeless that things are ever going to change. My mother is dying of cancer. My husband has taken a job working out of town five days a week. My daughter has moved to another state. I work alone on the same frustrating job that I've done for 26 years...

Those two words sister, frustrated and hopeless ... Ah, I understand somewhat, have given in similarly. My prayers for you and your mother, husband. Went through the same with my dear Ma earlier this year.

[i]are ever going to change[/i]

You know the scriptures and I am thinking specifically of the love\\hope, [i]believes[/i] ...

Change is always possible sister, even presently, the smallest of signs, the slightest degree of alteration, a spark, those seemingly insignificant things with those that I love is enough to further hope and trust. Have learned far better than to put too much stock nor to little, the proverbial two steps forward, one step back. Of course that differs somewhat from what you are expressing here ...

Times and seasons.

Hope always has change possible no?

Thanks for your heartfelt honesty Dian.

[i]Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.[/i] 1Pe 5:7

My prayers

Dian,I don't believe God gives you a picture of your life without guiding you out.
God is wanting to do something in your life yet your fear keeps you entangled. The fear of the unknown can and will paralyze us.
You are right you need to be set free.
Dangling in a tree is not where God wants you.
Things happen to us over which we have no control.
God calls us out of our comfort zone. That usually means giving up control and following him with reckless abandon.
You said you went to church and felt like you did not belong and that you feel frustrated over the events in your life feeling like things will never change.
You have had life changing events but don't abandon Hope.
My son had cancer, my young teenage daughter was pregnant and I was going through a divorce all at the same time. Yes, those things were painful yet I more than survived I thrived on the hope I had in the LORD.
Let me remind you the Lord never gives us more than we can bear. He will always come through at just the right time.
I was enduring great emotional pain yet at just the right time I sensed God speaking through saying a bruised reed He does not break and a smoldering wick He does not extinguish. I was revived by those words and realized I was not going to do from the pain.
God can and will deliver you.
Fill you mind with worship through scripture or in song.
My mother who passed away from cancer and is in now in the presence of the Lord had this quote on her refrigerator "Trials are not enemies of faith but opportunities to prove God's faithfulness."
Try to put into words what you want Jesus to do for you and tell Him and let us know so we can be praying.
Life is too short and eternity too long to live safely. God is calling you out of your comfort zone.Let His love fill you.

Wow sis Dian ...

Good to see you! ... :-D

About two weeks ago i came across this old thread ...

TO: SPITFIRE (and anyone else whose life seems to be in a pit) ... 2005/2/23
https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=4673&forum=35&3

... and i thought about you ... and now here you are! ... :-D

In keeping with the anology (from the old thread) of Joseph's life, in your own private thinking and one on one with God, does this mean you're "spiritually" out of the pit now? ... It doesn't seem like you've reached the "palace" yet (me neither), so are you now in Potiphar's house, or are you past that test and now in "prison" (that's where i am now)? ...

You wrote;
"I'm looking at dead religion all around me. It's everywhere! ... Now that I am able to see it so clearly, I'm talking about it with others. I'm finding myself more and more alienated from people."

All i can say is "WELCOME TO THE CLUB"! ... :-D

Blessings in our beloved Savior Jesus Christ!

PS - Actually you're moving "out" of trouble ... ;-)

Hi Dian,

I've used three different user names through the years as the Lord has taken me deeper into the wilderness and told me to cut off the Internet and then allowed me brief periods of time when I could write something. My time is a bit limited these days. You sent me a precious tape, I'm trying to remember when about two years ago, perhaps a bit longer, with you and your mother singing a hymn.

As to what the tree means, the only thing that came to mind was Zaccheus.

The Lord is faithful to meet us in the midst of barreness and I'm in a very hot desert and my only hope is in Jesus. What a wonderful place, albeit painful, place to be.

I would encourage you to read Isaiah 30 and chapter 50 (the last two verses), Psalms 84, Hab. 3:17-19. I'm sure there are other scriptures but those immediately came to mind.

Here's a few verses from Isaiah 30 (22-24) [b] Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Then you will defile your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, "Away with you!"[/b]

What a blessing to see a dear sister in the desert. What can I say, other than "Welcome!" Unfortunately there's no way to make it through while in a tree. Believe me Dian I've tried so many ways to avoid the desert but the Lord has led me back into a deep desert place where noone (including myself) can save me. It's a place where everything is stripped off that's not of Jesus. Sometimes I feel as if I'm literally being skinned, so it's not always pleasing (particularly not to my flesh) but I know it's the Lord doing this. Here's a scripture from Hebrews 13:15 Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name.

Blessings to you sis in the name of Jesus...

Love,
Ed Pugh