How am I supposed to find a Wife?

So I am a single man--almost 30. I have been praying for a wife ever since I was 17, all the while trying to submit myself to the Lord so He can prep me for marriage.

Maybe it's not God's will that I ever get married, but He hasn't told me that.

I have asked my friends and they all agree that if I would change my way of thinking and date girls and sift through them to find "the one" that I would be more successful. I hate the idea of dating. Maybe I am wrong about it, but I don't care for it.

So, my question is this: How, Biblically, can I find a wife? I have no earthly father to guide me and my mother is an unbeliever, so she doesn't help either. There are no woman who are believers at work that are not already married, and the same goes for my church.

I wish I knew. My close brother in the Lord and close friend is a retired widower. (Recently retired, widower for 10 years.) Successful, smart, Holy Ghost filled man of God. He feels like you do. We talk about it a lot. I listen a lot, let me say it that way. I'll pray for you like I do for him.

I know it isn't easy. I've been married for almost 28 years. Valentine's Day was 30 years to the day since my wife and I had a first real date (we were buddies in high school). So, I don't walk in your shoes. I don't dismiss the long term wearing of a life unmarried. Praying for you, brother.

I don't recommend dating. It isn't going to help anyway, because you need to find a godly woman to date.

Start to identify single women who have the characteristics you desire. If you can't think of any or don't know any, you will need to expand your circle of acquaintances, which could include less time at home alone (including SermonIndex). Visit more churches and Christian events that are in line with your interests. Don't be afraid to go to other churches in your area. This practice is not dating; it is putting yourself in the place where God can show you the woman who could be your wife, if there is one. By the way, it probably won't happen right away, so set your expectations to put in a lot of visiting and considering along with your praying before you even find a woman who could be a good match for yourself. Also, this issue will be less difficult if you stay busy for the Lord, so while you are praying about a wife, also pray about what God would have you do for now. If you can't lead a ministry, can you support one or get involved in some type of Christian activity?

Once you find a woman and sense you have a Christ-centered interest in her, you will need to get to know her to explore the possibility of relationship, so either talk to her or her parents as appropriate.

i would not rule out an online dating service. I met my wife online- though not through a dating service. We chatted online and by phone for months before we ever actually met. By the time we actually met we knew pretty much everything we could know about each other and were 90% of the way to being in love; meeting just sealed the deal.

I know of one other very strong christian couple who also met online(edit- two- i forgot our really good friends!).

I think the advantage is that you can really get to know someone's personality. Now of course when I did this there was no video chatting etc, it was strictly online chatting, regular mail(many many letters which we still have) and phone calls (but not til much later). A month or so in we exchanged pictures. She didn't run so that was a good sign.

Brother though I was a little younger I remember the extreme frustration I had concerning finding a wife. I too hated the idea of dating. I had some bad relationships prior to salvation that really effected my self esteem. After salvation I went several years without a relationship then began to date a non beliver. It goes without saying that was a disaster. So I really began to think about this subject. I don't know if I have the answer you are looking for but here are my thoughts. I don't by all of the "the one" hype. That's puts an unrealistic expectation on the person you're dating that they will not be able to live up to. I use to think that God's will for my life was he had one job and one girl for me and if I couldn't figure out what they were I was gonna be miserable. Thank God he has opened my eye! I believe that God's will isn't a list of things for you to do but a person he wants you to become. I don't think he is so much concerned with who you marry as much as he is about the character of the person you marry and how you treat that person. I know my wife could be just as happy or happier married to another man. But I know she's "the one" because I'm married to her. I don't really have a model to use to avoid the dating thing. I read a lot of dating books and they all have their own opinions. I got tired of it honestly. My wife and I were really good friends and we would meet up with people and hang out. Never had any intention to date her. She was like my sister. Then all of our friends moved away and our group got smaller and smaller and it was just us two hanging out and we began to fall in love and later we married. I would just advise that you use wisdom. Don't put your self in a situation you will regret later. Use the guidelines that are found in scripture. Obviously you should marry a woman and a believer. While waiting for your wife get your own self in order. Marriage brings responsibilities and burdens that a lot of men neglect. If you find yourself interested in someone pursue it. Get to know them see what happens. I don't agree with the idea of going out with a different girl every weekend to see if there are feelings. That can cause a lot of emotional pain and destruction. I'm sure there are other men who can give you better wisdom but this is just some of my feelings toward the subject. Hope it is some help. Much love!

Amen!!!
To what brother Herndon wrote:)

While I'm possibly the least qualified on SI to give relationship advice, I have received some really good advice so I'll offer you that;)

Don't spend your time looking for "mrs right", spend your time becoming "mr right" and she'll find you-

Relationships aren't for getting things, they're for giving things. Don't fall in love to make yourself happy, fall in love to make the person you fall in love with happy.

I know these are clichè but they're solid in my experience.

Prayers for you brother~

Blaine, that's beautiful and so true. Havok20x, I commend relocating near one of the Charity Ministries related fellowships, the ones connected with Brother Denny Kenaston. In my short exposure with a fellowship in Cheyanne, WY, I observed some of the mostly godly young women I have ever met. I would also recommend contacting some of our dear elder sisters here on SI, Lysa and ginnyrose.

You probably should try to contact them through Brother Dean who made that great Moravian documentary or ask Greg about contacts. We have members here on SI who are part of those fellowships as well, maybe they can lend a hand. My personal knowledge is very limited.

Thanks for yall's prayers. The Lord said the same thing to me yesterday afternoon, brother Blaine--seek first the Kingdom.

Jeremy,

I am not so sure I can be of any help in finding a wife for someone I do not know...

But do have a couple suggestions...find a trusted pastor, someone who has a heart for people, who believes in the permanence of marriage and share with him your desire for a wife. He might could help you.

I would also suggest you frequent retreats where godly people gather. Lots of so-called Christian retreats but not godly - big difference.

The reality is I know very few older single ladies and the ones (2 of them)I know are our nieces. The one is not interested in marriage and if she would be you would have to join her church. The other is older...

Keep trusting the LORD and see what he will bring to past. If He wants you married He will bring it to pass.

BTW...Greg also dealt with this issue...ya might want to ask him!

Blessings,

Sandra

Thanks for sharing Sandra. I guess I had in mind the types of things you shared. I've appreciated the council you've given me and the insight on married life you've shared on the forum.

I fear idealism can interfere where if the Lord has not made a clear choice or we have not a close match we can substitute these. Often these idealizations can act as excuses for rejecting the eligible people around us and rather than acting in love toward the whole body. I have to admit that I have experienced this when there were eligible sisters around that either I wasn't attracted to or had considered, prayed about it and didn't have the peace to pursue them.

In my limited experience I've found that "getting involved" is a tool that Christian young women use to try to get noticed. I remember reading the biography of James Elliot, how he served with a fellowship before heading to the mission field. A group of young women were very attentive to his teaching but when they found out about his relationship with Elizabeth, the interest waned. Based on the tone of the text, it came across to me that Elizabeth was a bit jealous. It just that their motives were mixed and God made it clear.

An example I've witnessed a few times are sisters who play piano. These sisters may faithfully serve and even be more modest than most and otherwise shamefaced. Now this is worth paying attention to because there are likely several other brethren that can fill that role so it is likely an elder sister advised her that it was a great way to be seen. Simply being in the flower of youth will get you seen.

Maybe some of the sisters can illuminate further about the pressures versus reality. Our tendency while searching and courting is to know each other after the soul, or flesh, rather than the spirit.

I was married for almost 40 years, I'm now a widower, you want to know how I found my wife? I wasn't looking for a wife, that's just my little 2 cents on the subject. :-)

Greetings

I know of some young sisters in the LORD who are single but they are not actively looking to marry. I believe they have felt led that it is better to remain single and devote their time and energy to the LORD. Their view of marriage has actually taught me much, in that they don't wish to find someone for selfish reasons or to fulfill their own desires but rather want to live for the LORD in all that they do. They believe that two are brought together in marriage to work as one and better serve the KINGDOM. If GOD has that for them then HIS will be done but if they remain single serving JESUS they are content to live in HIM. They have such strength and joy in the LORD that has touched my own heart.

I will be praying for you in this and that HIS will be done in your life. Some brothers have shared on this matter advise young men to seek first the KINGDOM of GOD and trust in HIM. Spend time in the LORD and examine what your motivation for wanting to marry is? Ask HIM to show you if your view of marriage is in line with HIS? Then just allow HIM to work in your life daily. Seek to be about HIS KINGDOM, don't be looking to find a wife trust that if HE has that for you it will happen. Then be content to live in HIM regardless if you ever marry or not.

God bless
maryjane

I can certainly attest to the fact that its best to wait on the Lord in the matter. Back in college, when I started to ask the Lord about a marriage partner, the Scripture I received was, 'delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart'. I understood it to mean I was not to fret about the matter but to love the Lord and be about His business. In His own good time, if He had a man for me, He would make it happen.
A few years prior, a godly older sister had counseled me to pray FOR my future husband. I only yielded because I trusted her wise counsel seeing I was a freshman with no thoughts of marriage. My course of study would take 6+ years. Well, let's just say the more I prayed for him, the more I prayed for him! I prayed about everything and anything that had to do with this man I had never met! His walk with the Lord, his work, his health, his friends, his family [especially his mother, haha!]etc.
By the end of all that praying, I KNEW I would know him if/when I met him. It was as though, a spiritual picture of this man had formed within me.
Fast forward, study is winding down, then I get that Scripture.
At some point, I attend a Christian conference [back when such conferences had the sweet dew of His presence] and on the final night, I met a young man through a pair of gentlemen whom neither of us know or remember! To top it off, he really didn't want to come to the conference but did so by the prompting from within.
Said young man and I became friends. I tell you, Christian nerds are the best kind of nerds!
Over time, it dawned on me this was the man I had prayed for years ago. Took him even longer to get it but I just sat still knowing he would.
He did.

The moral of the story? Jesus knows where all the parts of His body are. He sure knows how to connect them. If He needs you to be at a certain place, He'll lead you there. Be busy with Him, He'll sort out the rest.
Peace to you, brother.