After years of putting myself under the authority of my husband and having him tell me I'm rebellious I realized he is a narcissist and I would never be able to be myself only his imperfect clone.
Are many other women in a similiar situation where you are expected to deny yourself and follow your husband?
Will anyone tell me if I have a right to my feelings?
Is this subject taboo?
Could a Godly man tell me if I am wrong? It seems that the Bible can become the rod of guilt if you do not measure up in your husbands eye?
We are a long time Christian home!
40 years and 8 children.
Should men scold their wives at all?
If nobody will respond with at least a curt reply I think maybe all Godly christian men are really the same way and many wives are feeling like me and want to express themselves but are guilt-ed into silence.
Dear pernvic,
I am a man and I take this scripture seriously.
1Pet 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
My wife and I are "heirs together of the grace of life".
If I scold and criticize her and point out her faults, I am not honoring her and my prayers are hindered. I am an heir together with her. She is filled with the Spirit of God and has been washed in the blood of Christ just as I have been. She does not have a "little Jesus" while I have a "big Jesus".
I have been married over 25 years and our marriage works the way it should biblically, because I have not forced Christ out of the middle of it, by oppressing my wife. Christ is forced out of churches by one man oppressing the sheep, why would I want to force Christ out of my marriage? Again, we are "heirs together"
What is your way forward? Peter continues...
1Pe 3:8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
1Pe 3:9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
When one does not submit to Christ, that does mean the other one should stop submitting to Him. This is the most difficult of all situations. May the Lord help you and strengthen you to keep Christ in your own heart so that you continue to receive His grace and His presence and character flow forth from you to all that are around you.
I will pray for you and your husband.
I dont know the answer to be honest. But I would dislike to be constantly judged. Dont know what the answer is. Hope someone can help you.
Greetings
I have no issue submitting to my husband now but I use to before GOD got a hold of my heart. I resented him and did my best to control him and the house. I learned that my sin was causing much pain and sorrow in our home that did not have to be. So after much prayer and repentance I came to a place of surrendering to GOD and now find joy in submitting to my husband.(edit: I should add that the LORD was working on my husband's heart during this time as well.)
OF course husbands are to love their wives as themselves and this goes a long way in a GODLY marriage. My husband does not scold me or correct me as if I were a child, but there have been times when he sees an unchrist-like heart or attitude in me that he may ask me to pray about. I do the same for him too.
I am not sure what you mean when you ask if as a wife am I expected to deny myself and follow my husband? My answer would be no. My husband does not ask me to deny who GOD has for me to be, exactly the opposite actually. We are however instructed to deny ourselves and follow JESUS. The BIBLE does teach submissions in marriage but that does not give either party room to control or sin in a marriage. Both need to be submitting themselves unto the LORD and seeking HIS will for the family. In the end I put my faith and trust in JESUS and know my husbands heart is to do the will of the FATHER so I have no issue submitting to him.
I will be praying for your family.
God Bless
maryjane
If you are interested in a wifes Biblical role and restoring your Marriage, I would highly recommend :
"Created To Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl
Hi Vycki-
Okay, I wrote you out a long post and hit the wrong button and it all erased. :) So,I will try again.
I hear your pain. I often think on this very subject.
Have you ever read the Autobiography of Madame Guyone?
I am greatly encouraged by her life. If you have not read it, I hope you will.
Sometimes I think that the world has painted a picture of what a happy marriage should look like, although the world falls short of lasting relationships.
I wonder to myself if Sarah and Abraham concerned themselves with feelings.
For many years I have drawn strength and courage from the passages that pertain to slaves.
Colossians 3:
"22 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 25 For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality.
I still mourn my loss. I don't believe it is God's design in marriage that each individuals personality be removed.God loved me while I was still a sinner. I know that Gods perfect plan for me is that through all my relationships in the world I be conformed to the image of His Son and this relationship is like a cross to me.
I am a wife, and not a slave,but I have often more identified with the slave and I know that God has a tender heart for the weak and oppressed, the widow, the orphan, and I know He looks on me too . He showed compassion on Hagar, on Leah, on Rahab, and the woman at the well.
I am strengthened by the thought that I will not be justly slandered for (true) wrongdoing, and on the day my husband meets the Lord, even if he hate me now, he will give glory to God because of me. Hopefully, this will happen while we are still alive on this earth!
Sister, I hope you will be encouraged. God sees your hardship and He will reward your submission to HIM. Pull ever so close to Him and He will cause you to shine so brightly in the image of Christ that there will be no hiding what God has formed in you.
I'd like to add that I am not sure if I am way off of what you are talking about. If so, please forgive me.
I use to think a help meet was soley for helping my husband do the things he wants to do on earth. He'd have me mirror himself in most things and for this I can and am criticized because I am not talented at most of those things.
But now I see it as far more that that.I see that my submitting to my husband as unto the Lord as a "help" for him to see Christ more clearly.
Philippians 2:1-15 is a tremendous anchor for me.
Thank you all for your kind replies. I really was expecting a stern rebuke. I have posted on here before asking for prayer for my drug addicted daughter, Teresa!
Well a couple months ago I got the call that she died from an overdose. Since then either my husband has gotten worse or my eyes were opened. I've comforted myself with the slave thing since I was 16. Guarding my heart and sacrificing all desires in an effort to be pleasing to my husband, who thinks I was damaged goods when he married me and doesn't even believe my feelings are ever right because of my childhood.
I want to live too, not just stay in a house working, working, working, but never getting anywhere.
Is it at all possible that I can be a Christian without living with an angry man for the rest my life.
He won't even look at it from any angle other than his bible.
pernvic,
I am really sorry about your daughter. May the Lord comfort you in your loss. I say the following with all gentleness. You can live, now. It is not dependent on other people. No matter where we find ourselves in this life, true "living" is found in Him for it is in Him that we "live and move and have our being". Again, with all gentleness, raise your standards from seeking to be pleasing to your husband and seek to be pleasing to the Lord, instead. That may or may not please your husband but it will bring you the grace and peace and joy that you need. The Lord will speak to your husband as you walk as Christ walked (the verses from Peter, I gave). If you struggle with your husband, he will not be able to hear the Spirit as he becomes more entrenched in justifying his own behavior because of your behavior.
Turn your eyes to the Lord and find your joy in Him and I pray that everyone on SI will join with me in believing God for a wonderful miracle in your marriage,,,in your heart and your husband's. When the Lord is the center of each life, only then can He be the One whom our marriages revolve around. Better for Him to be in one of our lives than neither one.
Hi sister, this can be a very difficult subject and I think those who have commented so far have been good and helpful. Every single relationship is different. There are fundamental truths of course, but every couple are unique. If you are indeed married to a narcissist then this may be different than other situations.
Narcissists crush the life out of their partners and swallow whole the others personality. No thoughts are legitimate and all wrongs are blamed on the other party. So many men have used the Scriptures against women to control every aspect of who they are in tyranny. And of course narcissists raise broken children.
So what is the answer for someone genuinely caught up in this kind of prison? Or perhaps a women is living with someone who beats her. What is the solution for the " innocent," party if indeed that is the case. ( The term narcissist is used a lot)
My mother lived with a husband who was a control freak and an alcoholic. When she was born again things turned violent because he knew he was no longer in charge. He forbade her to go to church, she went anyway, she would then be beaten for that. He nailed our front door with six inch nails from the inside, she went out the window and was beaten upon return. Should she have been obedient to her husband? She would tell you that she was led of the Lord.
Now she would also tell you that she was led to stay in that situation. A decision that all of her Christian friends disagreed with and also the pastors that were involved. She told her children that God had told her that this was for the saving of his soul. She endured hatred and abuse and violence for fifteen years which included but not limited to a broken jaw.
After fifteen long years, and she eventually separating from him for a year ( she would never dream of getting a divorce or re-marrying) my father came to the Lord at the age of 49. They retook their marriage vows and are now 75.
Now there was fall-out from all of that. All three children ended up being addicts. My brother spent 13 years in prison. Eventually two out of the three children came to the Lord and I believe my brother will to.
It is very difficult to see the bigger picture in peoples lives. No two stories are the same. Perhaps if my mother had separated from him so many years before it may have produced the same results as it did when she eventually separated from him. No one will ever know. I can tell you that my mother is one of the Godliest women you will ever meet. Enduring suffering for His name brings us uniquely close to the Lord.
Bottom line I believe is that we as His children must hear from the Lord. He is the one who must direct our steps. He knows all the players and He knows what is right and it does not always fit into a nice neat box, in fact it rarely does. The more severe a situation we are in the more imperative that it is to hear from the Lord. I pray sister that the Lord will speak to you. Advice from people is often good but it cannot replace that small still voice. Oftentimes common sense and previous experience simply do not apply to our situations..............bro Frank
Thank you everyone, thank you bro Frank
So very well said and a beautiful testimony of redemption and extreme suffering for the Lord, Frank.
Many people always say persecution is coming and yet there are so many right now going through such incredible ordeals and testings of their faith.
pernvic,
I agree with Frank.
When we are in a difficult situation we want a quick fix NOW, yesterday would have been better, but at the latest NOW. But life does not work that way. And neither do marriages. (We have been married since Sept. 1967.)
Recently I have been looking at the life of King David. In doing so I am seeing some powerful lessons we can take to heart.
Somehow we have been led to believe that when God leads us into 'something' everything will go fine with no glitches, difficulties anywhere. Not so. God had David anointed to be king. Then he went back to herding sheep. Fast forward - David's life was beset with difficulty the like you cannot imagine unless you put your imagination into high gear. But God chose him to be king - still. At every turn David asked God how to respond - now THIS is a powerful lesson. He did not rely on advice from others, or use logic: he asked God and did as told.
Many kings of the northern kingdom were anointed by God to be king but they used their own will, logic to rule and ended up in disaster.
I think there are some powerful lessons here that we do well to take to heart. And....I am 68 YO and still learning. And...I am finding the WORD, the Holy Spirit to be the best reference source by far.
God bless and hope things will get better but if it does not stay close to the LORD and do his bidding.
Sandra
Many great thoughts & points, & scriptures.
And Julius, I believe that greater persecution is coming, but the fact of hard ordeals/living/trials now (& always) is another matter altogether. One neither negates, nor really has much to do with the other.
I do have a question & comment: having been through all kinds of trials, hard times, misunderstandings, hurts (caused & received), seen great miracles, breakthroughs, etc. & seen God save my wife (false convert until a few years ago now), etc:
Do you not both have a pastoral/leadership couple you can turn to and spend quality time getting specific instruction, counsel, hearing & understanding you both, etc. To me, that is more crucial than anything. I saw it in our marriage (been married 17 years & only the last few with great understanding between us both).
Another reason to me Why real, intimate, close New Testament fellowship & Biblical counsel are so crucial, especially as the day draws nearer.
God Bless you!
Jeff
Well Jeff we do not have a pastor. My husband was also my pastor until he resigned because "his family is out of order". (A year ago)
He is buying a house far away and expects me to leave most of my children and my dog and go live there. He has already went there.
I don't know what to say, except weep. There is a time for everything under the sun, and God knows all hidden things within the heart.
Church, please don't forget to intercede for this couple. "With God, all things are possible".
Definitely will pray
Julius21, I can't help but wonder how many other wives get a cleansing cry when they read your post!
It's like my soul is shamed daily, but its all held in, when I read your replies it released bottled up tears.
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