Bitterness

Brothers & sisters,

I am going to be honest about a struggle I am going through.

I am struggling with bitterness. I have been wronged, as so many of us have, in the past. Normally I am able to shake off & move on from ugly things done to me in the past, but this time I can't (It is the effect of a toxic relationship with Sister in Law. We decided to dust our feet and move on earlier this year...)

On the one hand I feel that we did the right thing & yet other times I feel double minded about the decision. And wonder whether closing the door was the right thing to do.

I feel like I have become paranoid, with the Lord, about this decision.

It is sort of silly because I have had difficult relationships in the past but for some reason I can't seem to move on past this.

In my head I argue hypothetically with this person, defending myself & how much hurt they have driven into our lives...I then get more and more bitter.

Some days I am doing some mundane task and I find myself going over the ugliness in my head without even consciously doing it. It has some sort of hold over me.

I feel like being in relationship with these people over the past 15 years has been a waste of time in my life, investing & investing and then being drained by this person & manipulated by them. And there are days I feel so upset and (I will be honest)angry that I was "taken in"...duped by this girl for so many years.

It has to do with trying to maintain "family" relationships with unsaved family members...when there is no fruit in sharing the gospel. We shared the gospel and should have dusted our feet and moved on...yet we stayed and now that my husband's parents have both died and we still tried on and off with this girl (his sister) for so many years afterwards - when we should have walked away.

I feel annoyed at her, annoyed at myself mostly & then (again being honest)...I feel angry with her that she and her family took so much energy, time away from my husband and I, and our family...and at the same time I am hoping bad things come to her.

I am being brutally honest here and I know I should not be bitter or angry. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I am struggling with this.

It is like I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't shake it. I struggle in my quiet times with the Lord...because I am so double minded about our actions. I don't like being on "parted" terms with people. We ended the relationship very nicely...saying something to the effect of...that this was a toxic relationship for the both of us and that we love her dearly and wish her the very best for her future.

The words came across "nicely"...but in my heart I was fuming with her - because of her previous text to me. I needed to end the relationship so I could stop the toxic hangover.

I feel, but I can't say for sure (because I am so mixed up) that the Lord was saying 'let go'. But then why do I feel like I can't shake this?

I see now that the bitterness has taken root and I actually feel like I am drowning in this. I don't know how to stop it.

So weird! I really want to move past this so that I can have the right fellowship with the Lord again. but a part of me wonders whether my flesh (always wanting to please people) is making this an issue with the Lord, that doesn't need to be. Whenever I have had "conflict" or times where I have stood up to people in the past I go through anxiety etc, but this is so much worse!

Has anyone gone through something like this?
Have they listened to any particular sermons that were helpful?

As I don't want the bitterness to get worse I have decided to not talk about, or list the justifications or reasons as to why we had to let go of this girl. There are countless but talking about the reasons just makes it worse -so I need to leave it at that.

I also really, really need support through prayer!
Thank you brethren!
Carters

I just wanted to add: I was thinking some more on this.

10 years ago we took this girl on holiday with us. While she was with us she started exhibiting anxiety and throwing up. She did this a lot when she was younger - for no physiological reason. Up until this time, I had never experienced ever...anxiety. But while she was on holiday with us (I was pregnant at the time)...and I was sort of acting like her Mom and looking after her - she started having these panic attacks and anxiety.

But everything we did, chatting, helping etc - nothing worked and she just continued to be like this on and off.

I am not sure what happened but when we returned back home, I started having anxiety attacks. I am not sure whether it was because I watching her and physically could do nothing to fix the situation...or whether this is spiritual.

I wanted to share this because I wonder whether this has any part to play. Is there perhaps some sort of soul tie that happened when I was looking after her.

I always wondered whether an anxious spirit passed from her to me, because I literally never had anxiety b4 this time.
But I have done deliverance a few times and really poured my heart out to God and still have anxiety on and off. It is not a big part of my life, just something that happens physiologically.

I am wondering now whether perhaps there is some thing spiritual some sort of evil soul tie that connected that holiday back 10 years ago, and now that we have made decision to cut ties with her, that there is something spiritual reacting to this and not allowing me to let go.

I am not Pentecostal at all, but it is just very strange that I have had conflict with others in the past, stood our ground from a Christian perspective and not been this badly affected.

Perhaps this added information may be important.

Greetings

I had struggles with my mother and father in law for a very long time. There was much pain and hurt on both sides but it was not until I began to really learn to love them as CHRIST called me to that I found forgiveness and was able to forgive.
It's very difficult to love another person who has done you harm and inflicted hurt on you but that is exactly what JESUS calls us to do and with HIM it is possible.

For me I spent much time asking GOD to forgive me for my attitudes and heart towards my husbands family. I prayed and asked GOD to teach me to love them has HE loved them. I prayed and asked GOD to take captive my thoughts when any old hurts would play over in my mind. In time I was able to let go of all the sinful attitudes I held towards them and learn to love them.

Perhaps if this is still coming up for you there is something deeper that GOD wants to deal with in your heart. Pray about this ask GOD to show you.

I will be praying for you. I know it can be difficult but keep turning to JESUS in this.

God bless
Mj

I am praying for you because the Lord has helped me so much with a person in my family who has told friends and family of ours (and my mom's) that I stole money off of my mother. What has amazed me is the people who have known me my whole life who believe her and now won't speak to me. (edit: she infiltrated everyone from the life ins guy to my mom's sister and my mom's best friend and the latter two send HER cards on my mom's death anniversary hoping SHE is doing good!And she will even call me up and ask me if I got a card from them, which I didn't. Utterly unbelievable! /edit)

The one thing that the Lord impressed in my spirit is Eph 6:12 - For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

by carters
I am not Pentecostal at all, but it is just very strange that I have had conflict with others in the past, stood our ground from a Christian perspective and not been this badly affected.

Back to Eph 6:12, when I look at the woman who has divided my family against me, I see spiritual wickedness in high places (her mind) & principalities & powers at work.

People on SI can say that I am taking this verse out of context but this is how the Lord helped me to understand what is going on in this situation and He brought peace to my heart and mind because I was starting to hate her more than the enemy of my soul.

by carters
I am wondering now whether perhaps there is some thing spiritual some sort of evil soul tie that connected that holiday back 10 years ago, and now that we have made decision to cut ties with her, that there is something spiritual reacting to this and not allowing me to let go.

God bless you and I'm praying,
Lisa

I was watching this thread with interest (and sadness for Mrs. Carter) in hopes that more people would be able to share how the Lord has led them in victory over bitterness and unforgiveness. I am greatly struggling in this area, not with in-laws, or a fellow employee, but with a DAUGHTER - one who professes Christ but who has rebelled and torn our family apart by rallying people to her side in her rebellion, mocking the one sibling who walked with God and causing our youngest to hide and go against parents.

I am not asking for advice on dealing with the family situation, but on how to wage the spiritual battle that rages within ME. Since I am the one following hard after God, and the one who is supposed to be the example of Christ to my children even when they are grown, I am keenly aware that MY sin is every bit as grievous as theirs, and probably moreso. I welcome hearing from anyone who has experienced victory when you have confessed over and over again your sinful, ugly attitude, but the negative thoughts and emotions just keep rearing up in their ugliness. When you cry out to God in anguish, saying, "God, I KNOW my heart is wrong...help me!" But for weeks and months nothing changes. You do ok in your prayer closet, but then when faced with the person again, you can hardly look at them. I suppose it would be a rare person who has not experienced this, but a mother to a daughter?? It is beyond my comprehension. If anyone has had victory, I would appreciate hearing about how you "got there"....

(and thank you to those who have already posted ... You are not alone, Mrs. Carter)

Hi mama-

Certainly don't want to pry into your situation but have you forgiven your daughter? Not asking if she has asked for forgiveness but rather if you have forgiven her regardless.

I've always been convinced that Jesus wants us to forgive primarily for OUR benefit, not the other persons.

If she asks for forgiveness, there can be reconciliation; but you can forgive without her asking.

TMK, That's exactly what I'm asking help with....you can say the words, you can tell God you forgive, you WANT to forgive, but for me, when the ugly feelings keep coming back over and over again, it would seem I have not forgiven. So I go through the same thing....praying, confessing to God, giving thanks in my situation, praying blessing on her, saying to God that by an act of my will I forgive....it would seem to me that if one has truly forgiven, you wouldn't be in the same rut and having the angry feelings coming up over and over again....I am also aware of the verse that says LET no root of bitterness spring up.... That says to me that I have something to do with the act of "letting".....but I do not have victory.

If you go to the link below and tab down about half way under the heading "Earlier Teachings" you will find a teaching entitled "Refuse to be Offended." I think this is very helpful and somewhat revolutionary way of looking at things.

It might help you!

http://www.thenarrowpath.com/topical_lectures.php#IndividualTopicalTeachings

Thank you. I will listen. I have been wrestling with this for several years now. Hopefully it will help someone besides me....

THis is one of the best messages I have heard on the topic of bitterness/forgiveness. I was searching SI last night on this topic. Thank you for sharing it. I still don't know how to get there. I have tried to focus on my own sin so I don't see my daughter's sin. I have tried to do loving actions when I don't feel like it. I have tried quoting the vengeance is Mine, says the Lord verse when inside I am screaming, "But it's just not right!"....Maybe this is one of the hardest things in the Christian walk. I will keep working at it...I do want to be pleasing to the Lord.

Mama- this one by Oswald Chambers is not just for you, but for me and everyone else. I think the key is where he says as long as we try to justify ourselves, we lose.
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"No natural man knows anything about carnality. The flesh lusting against the Spirit that came in at regeneration, and the Spirit lusting against the flesh, produces carnality. "Walk in the Spirit,” says Paul, "and ye shall not fulfil the lusts of the flesh”; and carnality will disappear.
Are you contentious, easily troubled about trifles? "Oh, but no one who is a Christian ever is!” Paul says they are, he connects these things with carnality. Is there a truth in the Bible that instantly awakens petulance in you? That is a proof that you are yet carnal. If sanctification is being worked out, there is no trace of that spirit left.

If the Spirit of God detects anything in you that is wrong, He does not ask you to put it right; He asks you to accept the light, and He will put it right. A child of the light confesses instantly and stands bared before God; a child of the darkness says ”” "Oh, I can explain that away.” When once the light breaks and the conviction of wrong comes, be a child of the light, and confess, and God will deal with what is wrong; if you vindicate yourself, you prove yourself to be a child of the darkness.

What is the proof that carnality has gone? Never deceive yourself; when carnality is gone it is the most real thing imaginable. God will see that you have any number of opportunities to prove to yourself the marvel of His grace. The practical test is the only proof. "Why,” you say, "if this had happened before, there would have been the spirit of resentment!” You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside."

Very good word. I am praising God for the pain that indicates something is wrong. It is also proof that there is life...Listening again to the refusing to be offended message...thank you so much, TMK.