There is a local LPTV station that plays mostly loops of 1990s southern gospel performances and some in studio preaching. There is a parade of small country church pastors and rural preachers who don't have a regular pulpit and then some others who ....well they just like the idea of being called a preacher.
I know this little fella who is the latter. He dips snuff and chews tobacco and....well, he just makes stuff up. :) For several years, I was in the convenience store business with my brother. Lawyer by day, stocker and cashier and toilet cleaner by night. :). This little guy was and is a regular. So, we struck up a relationship where I'd poke at him a little because he would be practically hacking and preaching when he walked through the front door. He was always bragging to anyone who'd listen about which little lean-to tree stump church he had been invited to preach at. Oh, he was a big deal, let me tell you.
Anyway, one night he came in and got a sleeve of Copenhagen or something. Then, he proceeded to ask me if I knew about X church. What he didn't know is that I knew X church VERY well, know their doctrine and polity like my own hand, and I know their folks very well. He went on to tell me how they had just ordained him. I said, "Really? Because you are the first person in the history of X denomination to wear jewelry and use tobacco and be accepted as saved, let alone get ordained while doing it." He got all big eyed. He said the tobacco was never for him, but for someone else. I said "I ain't so sure about that because I see you dipping it. But that is between you and them." I wished him well.
He kept coming back in and the same routine. I left the business 3 years ago and only saw him around town from time to time. Always poking at him you know. He is as country as a cottonmouth curled up in a buttermilk biscuit. So, about a month ago, I was watching the little LPTV station as I flipped past it. Who was on there yelling? Yes sir. Him. Not just yelling, now. Hacking. And not just hacking.
You know how some of the ooooold preachers just naturally hack? They audibly "heh!" In the breath after a phrase or sentence? A lot,of them have done it for so long it really IS second nature. Then, there are the younger guys who think you are not really preaching UNLESS you are hacking. This guy is not only not a clear preacher, he is a terrible hacker. He is TRYING to hack. He is working the hacks into his phrase breaks. Like the "heh!" is a word that you have to say but sometimes forget to say. If he missed one he would back up and get it. Oh, he was impressed with himself.
He was carrying in about something. My wife walked in, saw him and said, "oh no!" Like a wreck. Could not turn away from it. Well, then he said this jewel: "You can take that cake and make it all purty and you can put some icin' on it, but that that don't make it right." That laid us low, let me tell you. We rolled.
Then, the very next week, we went to see the Hank Williams movie. Who was in the parking lot? With his pastor? Him. He walked up to me. I said, "Hey, man, how you doin?""Aw, purty good. Goin in here to see God's Not Dead." I said, "Tell me how it is. But I have to tell you something. You can take that cake and make it all pretty, but don't you think you can put icin' on it and make it good." Just nonsense. He looked at me and got this funny look on his face. I laughed and said, "Yeah, I saw you! I saw you on TV preaching about cakes." He died laughing. Then he bragged about how many people had been seeing him on TV, and how they wanted him back.... Yeah. All that. I just shook my head and wished him well.
That, fellers, is preachin'.
