Hope for hurting marriages

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dougr777 Apr 14, 2016

I'm being vulnerable here because some people on the forum know me personally. My question is this; When a marriage is broken because of the past baggage/memories and hurt, bad foundations, my sin and more, how can it ever get healed or restored? There are a 'plethora' of opinions of what a Christian Godly marriage should look like, it's sometimes overwhelming. And even in the modern church many books, courses, conferences are focused on making marriage "happy" and fulfilling the lusts of each person vs. what God views a marriage should look like and operate. I'm writing about my own marriage personally, and I didn't know where to post this (under prayer or general topics). I trust you saints who may have more godly wisdom and understanding what is a husband supposed to do when the bride is broken, hurt (because of me). I have been listening to many sermons by Paul Washer that have been helpful, but there seems to be a hook, a snare a pull to the past, the hurt, the brokenness and the struggle to have a godly family culture. I know... be broken, repent, seek forgiveness, but it's such a battle and I just need some place to go for godly wisdom and support. I am prayerfully posting this because I want to be honest and cry to the Lord and my brothers and sisters for prayer and counsel. I feel alone and I know it's the accuser wanting me to feel defeated. Thanks.

sermonindex Apr 14, 2016

Hi brother Doug,
It is interesting that you are posting this because I am working with a young couple right now and they are struggling with similar issues.

I am not a marriage counselor but God can use anyone who loves others and walks with God. So my approach is as follows:

1) Do both parties want change? If not then it is really about helping just the one person who wants to change and praying for the other...lots and lots and lots of prayer.

2) If both the husband and the wife want change then that is fantastic. In fact I would say that if they both do, then the Lord is working on them. If they didn't then this would indicate hardness of heart and there is a hard road ahead for them. Perhaps even separation and then divorce.

3) If the couple both want help then I want to help them understand that they cannot expect a different outcome by just continuing to do things the same way over and over again. Change is needed. If they both agree to change and to do whatever is needed then we can move on. If they do not then we must stop and find out why they are unwilling to change.

4) If there is one party (which sounds like your situation) who is stuck, they cannot see anything positive any hope because they are so mired in past hurts, then we have to camp here for a while to help them get unstuck.

5) And this brings me to the third party counselor, which is the role I am assuming in this case. Many times when couples are stuck they need to change things up and "call a friend". We use the word marriage counselor but it is really a godly individual whom they both trust and who is completely impartial. I would say that the main role is to be a mediator. Ask questions of one party and then go to the other party...keep them both talking to each other. The counselor should also step in if it gets heated or one party is taking it off track and getting bogged down. But yeah, I highly recommend a third party as a last(?) resort if all else fails.

6) On top of this I would want to know if the couple are in some kind of fellowship where their are other godly believers around them who love them and pray for them. This is such a great help. I will always encourage this.

7) Is the husband the spiritual leader of the family? I don't mean is he the one with the most knowledge, but is he "leading out"? Is he seeking God, or at the very least wanting to seek God lol:-) If he is not then this is where he needs to start. He must put God first in His life and the rest will follow suite. But this is where fellowship comes back in. I cannot tell you how important our house church fellowship is to me and the rest of the brothers.

8) Unforgiveness and grudges. This is soooo vital to deal with. This is fundermental to our faith, to our very walk in Christ. If either couple cannot/will not forgive the other then this has to be gently looked into and worked through. This is where the leading of the Holy Spirit is so vital. I pray a lot before, during and after my times with couples because only the Lord knows their heart and can open them up to the Truth.

9) Regular sessions. I am a believer in continuing on with meeting with couples who need help so that issues can be addressed and followed through on until they are dead and buried. One thing that is so important to get spouses to see is that it is unloving to be sure for the husband to be the way it is, but it is also unloving for the wife to be impatient with him and to keep a record of wrong.

In it all my hope in meeting with couples is to help them see that the goal of their marriage is LOVE. Thats it, pure and simple. How can we as a couple love one another as Jesus loves us? If they can leave no stone unturned in their quest to get to the bottom of the LACK of love in their marriage then God will surely help them.

So, the bottom line is if we have been struggling ALONE with marriage issues for many years, then perhaps it is time to get additional help. That takes courage and humility. I want to encourage you brother that opening up here is a very good start for you.

God bless you and your precious wife!

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mama27 Apr 14, 2016

I don't have counsel. I will pray. As a woman who has had many hurts in my marriage I will say the 2 most important things to me are the need to feel safe with my husband, more emotionally than physically. And for me, feeling safe is even above feeling cherished (though that would be nice too :) )....Also, that he is seeking God. I can handle any mistake he makes if I know he is seeking God. Don't know if that helps, but it is my two cents from a woman's perspective. Bless you for putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. Praying God heals....

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dougr777 Apr 14, 2016

thanks mama27, that helps, blessings

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MrBillPro Apr 14, 2016

Brother Doug, this is from someone who was married for almost 40 years, and lost my wife in 2012. One of the most important things starting at ground level is, don't beat yourself up over this, marriage is not easy, it's probably one of, if not the hardest things we will encounter in our life time. My wife and I had many wonderful years together, but we also had our share of down moments, but we hung in there and made it work, and by the grace of God it worked out until death did us part. Personally, I don't believe there is anything out there Pastors, books, seminars, counseling, etc. that can help a marriage, unless the married couple are both willing to fix the problem.

I know you come here looking for a start, yes we have to start somewhere, but personally, I would have a sit down "as Cheryl and I use to do" and ask each other, do we both want to fix this, if not, I personally believe if it's one sided, you will go on in vain trying to fix it. No I'm not a marriage counselor by a long shot, but I was married for almost 40 years, so I might be able to give you some personal wisdom, because God can and will use anyone, credentials or not to get a message to us. Remember Brother marriage is not easy, so please relax, take a deep breath, seek the Lord and maybe yaw can get on the same page in life, and at least talk about it. Again, my advise is not exactly from a biblical prospective, it is from a personal experience..Heard a pastor say once, some folks want to try and fix everything, I just want to try and fix myself, that's powerful Brother.

God Bless!
Mr. Bill

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romanchog Apr 14, 2016

I will echo what mama said.

But I want to add that if you are stuck on past hurts, you need to wok on the issue of TRUE forgiveness. My husband and I had many painful years becuase he could not get over past hurts, etc. He kept thinking that he had forgiven me, but then it would all come out again. Things did not get better until he had a total transformation in his life and in his relationship to the Lord. It was then that he could finally forgive as Christ forgives, and he was able to say truly that if God covers up my sin and never sees it again, then in TRUTH my sin exists no more and does not belong to me. This brought him great peace, and I remember him saying, "You are no longer that person, you are new creature in Christ." That is how he dealt with the memories, I assume.

However, he did not set out to fix his marriage- he set out to fix his relationship with the Lord and all else was a consequence of that.

Not sure if that helps. But I must say that as in all things in life, what we really need to fix all our issues is more of Christ. :-)

sermonindex Apr 14, 2016

I am also one that did not cultivate godly family culture although I was a Christian. Before I made a serious turn to the Lord I did not realize that i was hurting my family. I did not think I was responsible for anything. In my case realizing the true purpose of christianity (living an upright life doing God's will) brought me to the necessary brokenness from where repentance could spring from. This happened after I watched this 10 minute youtube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzyGrcCv-fk
I would recommend Keith Daniel's sermons not only the family ones but all. Also Andrew Murray's Absolute Surrender (i had it on mp3) and David Legge's 3 part series called "Deep Healing"
I believe God restores us above expectations but not always the way we expect it. And maybe we have to walk through the valley of shadow of death first.

Joel 2:11-13,
11And the LORD shall utter his voice before his army: for his camp is very great: for he is strong that executeth his word: for the day of the LORD is great and very terrible; and who can abide it?12Therefore also now, saith the LORD, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning:13And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. ...
Joel 2:25-26
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.26And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with
you: and my people shall never be ashamed.

I pray with the words of Paul in Ephesians 1:17-18
17That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:18 The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye (you) may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,

Zsuzsanna

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dolfan Apr 15, 2016

Doug, I love your heart in this post. I hear the frustration and the utter need for an answer, a breakthrough.

I stand with you now as I type this and I ask the Father, in the name of Jesus, who was the Lord betrayed before He was the Lamb slain, the Friend denied before He was the Son crucified. Lord, you suffered the very kind of hurt that my brother confesses his guilt in causing in his marriage. You keep Your word. You advocate before the Father for Doug. Will you not also send the Holy Spirit to them in their marriage? Will you give them a serpent when they need nourishment from You? No. You WILL give them Your Spirit.

Pour yourself into Doug and Sister Mrs. Doug, Lord. Release Him from guilt. Restore them.