I give up. I'm done.

I spent the last four days trying to get away from everything and just being with God. As a recovering performance-based perfectionist, I like solid, defined starts to things and working towards a solid, defined finish. Let me know what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and then beware of the smoke that follows.

It didn't work. Life happened. Defeat crept in... again.

Suddenly.

That's one of my favorite words in the Bible and I got a "suddenly" of my own that set me free.

I'm sure this won't be a big revelation to anyone else because it's so simple - so basic. But, for me it was a priceless brick of wisdom that finally fell from my head to my heart with a heavy thud! It only took decades of exhaustion and defeat to learn. But that's a bargain because I actually learned it! It's mine now.

Suddenly, while making the dinner I didn't want to have because I wanted to fast, I heard, "Just believe and obey. Leave the results up to Me."

While caramelizing onions, the Holy Spirit chose that moment to free me. Waves of understanding, peace (oh the peace!) and clarity crashed over me, washing away all of my stress, anxiety, AND perfectionistic tendencies. I could breathe!

I could write a hundred pages on what happened next. All the old thoughts and ways I've had played through my head in mere seconds. After each thought of them came the answer, the cure for the disease of Self - "Just believe and obey. Leave the results up to Me."

If I'm not careful, this will turn into another novel and I don't want to subject you to that again! But there's so much more to this! So, I'm done. I give up. I surrender it all and will let Him take charge and lead the way from now on. It's silly, but I don't even have the desire to do it my way anymore. My outlook, thought process, expectations, and even my goals, for each day from this point on have all been transformed. I actually see everything in a whole new light now. And now that I've had some time for it all to sink in, I'm drained and going to take a nap. (I rarely ever take naps!)

I'm sorry if my posts have been too much information. It seems that the moment I joined SermonIndex, my life took a new turn and everything is playing out in posts here. That's just so unlike the invisible wallpaper that has been my life for the last almost 20 years! That freaks me out a bit but I'm ready for the change. Makes me wonder what's going to happen next!

Thanks for putting up with me. Love in Him!

The Hebrews 4 experience: "He who has entered His rest has ceased from his own works."

Thank you, everyone. I really don't know what to say but, thank God I'm dead! I should caramelize onions more often!

The guilt and shame of taking 33 years to get to this point (after coming to Jesus at 17) is gone, too. I almost didn't think that was possible. But the Holy Spirit reminded me that it took 40 years for God to prepare Moses for ministry. I'm no Moses but I'll tell you one thing... I'm ready and willing to do whatever He asks.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm an invisible, unknown person; that I've always been the little mouse who runs around quietly doing the grunt work unseen. I think that might actually have been some of my behind the scenes training. I don't dare assume, though. But I know that God will use everything for His glory and to my good because I love Him and I'm called according to His purpose.

I can honestly say that I could grab my Bible, walk out the front door, and not blink an eye or look back because I've experienced God meet impossible needs miraculously when everyone I ever knew deserted me. I'm one of those people you read about in the news that, if I died, it would be months before anyone found me. And even in that most dire situation, God met my every need. So, yes. If I were to grab my Bible and walk out the front door, it would be a privilege to serve Him that way.

Maybe that's why the Holy Spirit impressed upon me to join SermonIndex in the first place, after many years of lurking - as an example of what He can do with one of His very least, and most stubborn; to encourage someone, whether they be a member or a lurker. I'm okay with that. I'm not too proud to serve as a warning!

But now I have one single focus - Jesus. If I were in the marketing businesses again, I might call it the TAO of Jesus. Trust. Abide. Obey. This is my only goal or desire now. However it plays out. I can't wait to see how He's going to move next!

Brenda,

Isn't that a remarkable thought when you think about it? Angels are singing over a fool. (Jesus's own words about someone like me.) Now that's grace and mercy... and humbling.

Luke 24:25, "And he said to them, "O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!"

That's me... all head knowledge and slow of heart to BELIEVE.

Praise God His timing is perfect!! And while you were carmelizing onions no doubt!! We just never know when God is gong to speak a word into our hearts and minds that sets us free. ‘Just believe and obey. Leave the results up to me.” We can always trust when we wait upon the Lord that His timing is as perfect as He is.

Ha!
Prayers answered!
God is good:))

Very glad to hear dear brother~

Amen! What an amazing thing - that God is so unpredictable! Hallelujah yes I also rejoice with you, that we simply need to submit, and leave "the results up to [Him]." Glory to God, glory to God!
Wonderful..
A few weeks ago (and I could not have recieved this word from heaven at a better time), I was reading a devotional, many of you may be familiar with it, Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest. Anyways, the devotional was titled Gracious Uncertainty.
And I must say, my heart has been flowing with that truth ever since, that we are totally certain of God, that He is, that He never changes, that He is Good.. But "we are graciously uncertain" of what God is going to do! OH hallelujah how wonderful - and as Chambers pointed out in the devotional, most people take the words "[we] don't know what a day will bring forth" in an entirely negative view, when it shouldn't be that way! We can wake up in the morning with rejoicing, saying "God, I know You are, You were, and You always will be! But I have no idea what You might do today in my life, and I rejoice and thank You in that! Thank you Lord for the gracious certainty I have of You, and thank you for the gracious uncertainty of what You might do today!"
With rejoicing, and love,

I noticed you mentioned the TAO of Jesus. Have you read this book?

Christ the Eternal Tao

Hieromonk Damascene
Valaam Books, 2004 - 548 pages

Publisher description: People of the modern West have to a great extent become jaded by Christian terminology and doctrinal constructions, yet many of them are drawn to the Person of Christ Himself. Christ the Eternal Tao seeks to develop not only a new way of seeing Christ, but also a new language by which to express His message, drawing from the enigmatic style and poetic language Lao Tzu.

Thank you again, everyone. I'm looking forward to moving forward!

No, Jeremy, I've never read that book. I didn't know it existed but I wouldn't have any interest in it. I was simply making a play on words, as advertisers often do: T for trust. A for Abide. O for Obey. Those are the three things that the Holy Spirit is encouraging me to become rooted in.