God has been doing something in me like nothing before. At the moment i am struggling to read His precious word and praying seems to be like lifting something too heavy for me to lift. Yet i know He knows what He is doing and doing what is best for me. I acknowledge Him in all my ways inwardly praying some days really crying to Him.Dear Geraldine,I recognise what you're describing and was too pig-headed when I was going through it to admit it was a struggle - at one level - but, perhaps because of that and feeling isolated, I assumed God would go on speaking to me (as He was wont to do) - and He did (of course). In fact, I soon found Him more 'with me' in the circumstance, than I had ever known before - before, when I'd thought I had to bring myself to Him in an already perfected state. Nevertheless, whenever I closed my eyes to pray, all I could see was blackness; but, He was very quick to answer prayer. In fact, only days before, the Lord had spoken to me from verses in Psalm 13911 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light [are] both alike [to thee]. {hideth...: Heb. darkeneth not} {the darkness and...: Heb. as is the darkness, so is the light} I was not trying to hide from the Lord, rather, it was that I couldn't see Him; so I was comforted by two thoughts - that He knew where I was and could hear me even if I could not 'see' Him, and, although I could not see where I was going, the darkness did not hide 'the way' forward, from Him. .... Retrospectively, this is obvious, but at the time, my confidence in His ability to see in my dark was crucial to my holding my nerve and pressing on into the blackness with Him.I allowed myself to believe in Romans 826 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what [is] the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to [the will of] God. And, I used to put my head in my hands often and prayed in tongues until I felt restored. I'd heard Susannah Wesley (mother of 17, including John and Charles) had used to put her apron up over her face to pray, often, and had trained her children not to disturb her for those minutes.If I learned one single thing in those days, it was how to reach through to the Lord immediately and to trust in His instantaneous leading. Again, looking back, I see that He shifted the emphasis of my life and believing, from what I could do, to what He could do. He answered many tiny prayers, a confidence I had picked up from Don Francisco's old Duke and Duchess song, in which the rich live in obscene wealth and outside the crowds cry out for a crust of bread; oblivious to their fault, the rich ignore their cries, but 'high above' the God of love 'hears every little prayer'.At times like these, as you look to the Lord, you are putting your roots deeper down into the water of Life. This is where you draw your strength and increase. If you can possibly rejoice and thank the Lord and praise Him for what He is doing in you, it can make a difference to how you feel and how you cope. I've never been able to organise my Bible readings, and so I fully accord with dohzman's advice and to not feel guilty about not being able to keep up a routine. Over the years, there have been times when routine was possible and others when I've had long breaks from regular Bible reading. At that time of blackness, if the Lord brought a scripture to my spirit and I couldn't find it easily, I used a Young's concordance to find it and followed through any key-word(s) He seemed to be speaking most loudly, until I'd completed an intense Bible study on it, in between making meals and generally doing what mothers do. Some of these meditations lasted many days and I read large chunks of scripture at a time. But, it was always focused on a study relevant to an aspect of my situation right then, as God would have me 'see' it.I've also picked up you have three under fives. You are blessed to have a husband who is also the Lord's, and you're still trying to get to church ... how many times a week? I know you have to go regularly - like once a week - but, there is nothing wrong with consolidating your new family of five at this stage in your family's development, by taking some extra time at home together. In the overall scheme of life, a few months will shrink as they pass into history, but, you can never get this time back if you don't take it now. On a different sort of practical note, you said Where i live can really get to you. Theres so much crime and violence that it begins to affect you spiritually. The evil in this place has overwhelmed me. I moved from one violent neighbour only to be faced with even more noisy neighbours than i had before and when you have young children it's very hard indeed! I feel like im stuck in sinking sand slowly sinking.Remember that the power of evil is not in the same league as God's power. I have never lived in the circumstances you describe, but I know what I'd be doing day after day - I'd lay my hand on the wall through towards the noisy neighbours and pray for them, as many good things as I could think of, as well as for grace to bear their desperate behaviour. You've got to believe that praying will make a difference. But, I would also ring Environmental Health every time their music / noise reaches antisocial levels and keep a diary of the noise, every time you report them, whether an officer attended etc. Although you might feel this is not a very 'Christian' thing to do, I believe it comes under the category of being salt to the world. Others who may be too frightened to say or do anything may be grateful. And I would not be beyond praying for them to move, unlikely as it may seem that they would. The very act of not giving up on them or possible solutions from God, helps to cultivate hope and faith and great rejoicing and thankfulness for every answered prayer. Despite the French 'Non!' you have a theoretical 'right' to a quiet life.Now, I may be wrong, but I suspect you think this is so far beyond reach, that it's too much to hope. But still, I commend to you, prayer. If you can find it in your heart to be methodical about praying for your other near neighbours, too, the Lord can work wonders as His blessing falls all around and your noisiest companions find themselves increasingly isolated. This is not a promise (from me) but it is definitely a possibility. Don't under-estimate the impact of a Christian family in a neighbourhood. Without being told you are (believers) there will be many who know, instinctively, that you are the Lord's and you may find support from unexpected quarters - perhaps even, lifelong friends for the future. But remember, Jesus did not commit Himself to man and that's not what I mean here, either. But, there are some very decent other people facing exactly the same problems as you are - but without God - to whom you can be a BIG blessing.I feel you need to pray for these things like you're beating on a door which will open eventually. The spiritual 'noise' and chaos will yield as you learn to lay hold on God to make the difference.
