Jon:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and concerns and being honest and upfront with your struggles. I do not believe it was me you were emailing last year but there are a couple other David's here (Hey Dave & Docs). Docs is David Winter and Hey Dave has not posted in quite some time.
A couple thoughts, a good place to start I believe in getting to know more about you is for you to share your testimony, how did you get saved? Testimonies are very telling as to whether one is basing their salvation on the truth of the scriptures or if it is based on the flesh, mind, or doing this or that.
There are many gifted believers here and I would trust that if you are willing to continue be honest and transparent and share more in depth the areas where you are struggling you can get to the root of the problem.
As I said earlier it is always God who begins the process in seeing people saved. The scriptures say that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. No man can come to Jesus until the Father draws him first. In the case of Lydia the seller of purple in the book of Acts we are told it was the LORD who opened up her heart.
I have spoken with some people who are so overtaken by guilt, condemnation, and feel absolutely unworthy of Gods love and sacrifice they cannot come to Him.
Many years ago my wife began an affair which turned our home and marriage upside down and our ordeal lasted 12 years from start to finish. During this horrific time God spoke very clearly to me that I was to love my wife as He loved the church and gave Himself for her.
Gods agape love which is an unconditional love is a love no man can offer to his neighbor, wife, or enemy until he first receives it himself. Over time through this expression of love God began to draw my wife as He promised back to me. The most difficult part however was my wife's guilt, condemnation, and utter feeling of worthlessness she struggled for years in being able to overcome these feelings and accept that love.
The path of salvation continues as God draws us and opens our eyes, understanding, and heart and we now see our utter hopelessness it will produce a brokenness and contriteness of heart and spirit which the scriptures tell us God will not despise nor turn away.
Paul speaks of two kinds of sorrow in 2 Corinthians 7, a Godly sorrow which will lead us to His gift of repentance and by His grace enable us to turn from our sin. The other is a worldly sorrow which end is death because it does not produce repentance unto salvation.
I first heard the gospel when I was 17, I worked with several born again believers for 2 years who lived out their relationship with Jesus Christ before my very eyes. 9 months after meeting these people I was stricken with a severe illness and they laid hands on me and prayed for me and I was instantly healed. Yet for 9 more years I ran from God and pursued all the worldly pleasures and vices.
I hated that life but I just could not get free, for years I tried to clean myself up and make myself presentable to the futile point of getting ready to take my own life. I was overcome with guilt and condemnation because God had done and shown me His unconditional love on so many occasions and I continued to spurn that love.
I went on to murder my own child, the only one we would ever have when my wife and I were very young. You see Jon, the devil is very crafty and has shipwrecked many of men's faith even after we are saved the battle rages.
I love this portion of scripture and the precious promises God has freely given us.
Romans 5:8-10 KJV But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (9) Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. (10) For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
When we were totally lost and unworthy Jesus died for us, then after we get saved and are justified by His blood, we are saved from the wrath to come. While we were at odds and enmity with God He reconciled us through Jesus Christ, now here is the amazing thing. If God went to all the trouble He did to save us when we were completely and totally unworthy, HOW MUCH MORE will He continue to be with us, encourage us, chasten us, enable us, be merciful to us, BY HIS LIFE which lives in us!
Do you know how many times since September 9, 1988 I had to back the truck up and go back to square one and revisit what God did for me? Not a few.
I wanted to take a minute here brother and share some of my testimony and let you know that we all struggle at various times in our walk. There are many hills, valley's, mountain top, and pit experiences. But one thing I can tell you for sure is God is faithful. If He begins a work in us He WILL complete it and all the promises of God are yes and amen in Christ Jesus.
When we are saved His Spirit comes to live within us and we are regenerated by His Spirit. For me, I was saved for 9 years and then I was baptized in the Holy Spirit. This is a second and completely separate experience that changed my life and walk with the Lord.
If I would have died before I was baptized in the Spirit I still would have gone to heaven and many have, do, and will. Unfortunately this is a topic that is heavily debated and argued over in the body of Christ but I tell you the truth when we are baptized in the Spirit we are empowered and the witness you spoke of in the title of this thread intensifies immensely.
I will share and close with one last testimony of a brother who I went to church with, like me, he was also Italian and carried a lot of religious baggage we Italians pick up in our beloved Rome. This brother and I hit it off when we met and like you he was struggling in many areas of his life.
He was definitely saved and was deeply desiring the baptism in the Holy Spirit so he for many weeks kept asking my questions how I got filled and what was wrong with him because he was praying, pleading, crying out to God to fill him.
As I prayed for wisdom and guidance in helping this brother we were speaking in church one Sunday and he was sharing his struggles, doubts, fears on the subject and the Lord said, "Ask him when he was water baptized" so I asked and his answer was that he has not yet been water baptized!
This man was saved for 8 years and had not yet obeyed the first commandment for every new believer! Bingo.
Acts 1:4-5 KJV And, (Jesus) being assembled together with them, COMMANDED them that they should not depart from Jerusalem, but WAIT for the promise of the Father, which, saith he, ye have heard of me. (5) For John truly baptized with water; but ye shall be baptized with the Holy Ghost not many days hence.
Once this man saw the need to obey God and make a public confession of Christ he scheduled a water baptism for both he and his wife, and his children. He then was filled with the Holy Spirit not long afterward.
If you are hungering and thirsting for Righteousness God will not withhold, He will FILL you to the uttermost.
Jon, if you are not comfortable in continuing to share publicly, my private email is in my profile, just click on profile at the bottom of my post and you will see my email. I would be glad to continue our conversation.
God Bless!