A Broken Heart

Dear brethren,

I hope that some - perhaps one or two - may understand what I am trying to share. I know not everyone could bear it, but may be some of you have passed through something similar and could understand...

I used to pray God for tears, because honestly there are thousands if not million reasons why we should weep (over the state of the church, of humanity, of our homes, children etc.) and I know we have to battle in prayer. Of our Lord it was written "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief". But meanwhile... I am like in "a constant state of weeping" - not outwardly but inwardly. And that does not mean that I go all the day long looking sad, no... but when I get on my knees to pray or even sometimes when I think of certain things... it is as if my heart is wounded, constantly bleeding... and I am not sure, I know why...

There are things that really disturb me and make me even angry - when people deal with zero respect toward God - even in the church! And I find it really sad when after church, the only things you could discuss with some youths are those things in the world - the kind of discussions you could lead with anybody... That makes me angry and I would not pray God to take this from me! But it is something else that troubles me... that this peace of mind and contentment in the Lord I am somehow missing...

Can any of you, fellow-Christians understand what I want to say? Some people think that I am strong, but I am not. I've just learned that whenever there is no one to help - no father, no mother, no sister or brother, no Christian, nobody - cry out the Lord. And that has sustained me these years, not my crying but His loving hand! Sometimes thoughts pass through my mind like: "Perhaps people think: 'You've taken the whole stuff too seriously'" - "Way too radical..." - but were we not called to give our life for our Master and worship Him with everything we are, think or do (and not just on Sunday in a church building)? "Look at you, you have no friends!" - I try to be friendly with all but simply how could I ever be real (soul mate, real) friend with somebody who does not even understand what I am talking about? How can I be united with such person? I feel sometimes like some people are even ashamed to talk to me or to know me... (Once a girl changed her seat one or two minutes after I sat right next to her). And as I told my sister about such difficult moments, she said "You are blessed!" - And I understand what she means. But "Why are you so downcast my soul?" - even when to the best of my knowledge and by the grace of God I am trying to follow God. Why I don't feel like rejoicing?

Why am constantly fighting inside myself between... "Look at yourself, what you've become" and "Look unto Christ! He will give you rest!"? Between the loneliness outwardly and the fellowship of the Lord?! Do we not sing "All I need is you?!"

I will never give up by the grace of God! I can't, I don't want to, I must not to! This would be a betrayal toward my Lord and toward the children of God ("If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children."). And this would be another occassion for satan to rejoice... No way to give him this pleasure!

I believe that though I am weak, God will preserve me and bring me home... somehow.

"Through faith... out of weakness were made strong" (Hebrews 11:34)

The Lord be with your spirit,
Esther

Dearest sister,
I will attempt to explain this and tread very carefully, as I feel this is holy ground. I know what you are going through. It has pleased the Lord to call me into the ministry of intercessory prayer. What you are experiencing is the fellowship of the sufferings of Jesus. He is calling you to share some of His own prayer burden with Him. When we love someone, we share their joys, their pains, their sufferings. Our Lord agonizes over the state of the church, and it hurts Him tremendously when His own people say they know Him, but their hearts are turned to other things. He wants to share this burden with us, but very few are willing to pay the price. It is a sorrow that we have to bear willingly, as He will not force this upon us.

It is a lonely ministry, because it is strictly "unto the Lord". Others will not understand why you seem serious and downcast when everyone else is talkative or laughing. But understand this, the tears you shed are tears that are Spirit-born and Spirit-led; it is the Holy Spirit Who brings us into these travailings, and all He asks of us is to yield to it. It isn't something you can conjure up or bring upon yourself.

You are birthing the Lord's purposes into a situation or circumstance you are praying for. Sometimes you don't even know why you are weeping - the Lord doesn't always share what is going on. But please trust Him, dear sister. There will be a tremendous harvest that will come of it in due season (Ps 126:5-6). And know that every tear is remembered before the Lord (Ps 56:8).

There is a book written by Wesley Duewel called "Mighty Prevailing Prayer". Many of the principles I've learned about intercessory prayer are mentioned in it. Please get hold of a copy. If you cannot afford it, email me and I will send you one. It will be a tremendous blessing to you.

Renee

"You are birthing the Lord's purposes into a situation or circumstance you are praying for."

Dear sister,

Praise God for the ministry of intercession that the Lord has called you to. We need more intercessors that are so in touch with God that their hearts are breaking with that which breaks God's heart.

There are not that many intercessors and prayer warriors that enter into true travail. This travail means suffering, but when the burden is released, it is all joy, because something has been birthed that needed to be birthed. The Apostle Paul said this: "My little children for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth (travail) until Christ is formed in you." (Galatians 4:19).

This intercession of travail is also explained in Romans 8:26 - " In the same way the Spirit (comes to us and helps us in our weakness). We do not know what prayer to offer and how to offer it as we should, but the Spirit Himself (knows our need and at the right time)intercedes on our behalf with sighs and groanings too deep for words." (Amplified).

There is much suffering to those that answer the call to intercession, but there is also times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord. Intercessors are some of the most joyful people to be around because they habitually dwell in the presence of the Lord.

Some of the best teachings on intercession that I have ever heard are from Lance Lambert, who was an intercessor for most of his life, and personally knew and communicated with intercessors from all over the world, one of them being Marie Monsen of Norway. Brother Lance talks about the suffering that intercessors go through, but this brother was also full of joy and had a marvelous sense of humor. He is now in that great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on to finish the race, and fight the good fight of faith.

"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything." (2 Corinthians 6:10)

...may I say, with reverence, this is one of the most honest, heartfelt and touching posts I have read in quite a while?
Thanks for opening your heart to the forum, sister Esther (my daughter's name :))

I can only encourage you to hold tightly to the Lord and follow hard after Him. He will surely guide You in His will.

Remember Mary's song? "my soul doth magnify the Lord, my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior..."

What came first? Joy in the inward man by the Holy spirit. As we look at circumstances and the perceived state of things (the outward evidence) there does not seem to be much cause for rejoicing, however as we turn inwardly, to the Holy place where the Spirit of God dwells and fix our inward gaze upon Him and His beauty, peace comes and joy overflows.
Sometimes it is good to withdraw from all flesh and simply draw near to our God and ask Him to fill us again with His Spirit and experience "times of refreshing in the presence of the Lord"

God bless,

Dear brothers and sisters,

You don't know how much your posts made me think and smile! :) God bless you all! I must confess that these were definitely not 'the answers' I expected. I thought that someone would say that I am too self-centered and have to look more on Christ... but ... intercession...

Thinking of some things that happened to me before and some events in the last few days, I think that you might be right about it. I don't feel it's right to share all but I will just a few things... For example, there have been nights when I went to sleep without praying just because I was afraid of weeping. I knew almost 100% that if I start praying, it's going to be hard and it's going to hurt... and I did not want to do it. I understand that it's wrong... it's me trying kind of to protect myself. And this is also connected with something that happened these days in church. We've talked with the pastor about the youths in the church and he said that God could use me there. But do you know what was my answer? "I fear to come near them... because what if I find them not to be, such as I want them to be?" and in essence I thought of the words of Paul:

"For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults: And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed." (2 Corinthians 12:20,21)

... shall bewail many... I think that is what I wanted to shrink from. And then God dealt with my heart and I read the story of Jonah - "...should not I spare Nineveh..." That meant for me that I do not have the right to shut up my heart like that just because it may be broken again. And was not the heart of Jesus broken when Peter denied Him? But "He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied"! Oh, how much is hidden behind these words!

And so I changed my mind about that. Anyways, I don't want to talk so much about myself, lest anybody thinks I'm boasting.

About the book: Thank you! I have yet to finish another Christian book but I'll put it on my list.
About the sermon: Thank you, too! I will search for it.

"Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord." (Phillipians 3:1) Thank God for this fellowship! God bless you!

Quote: "I feel sometimes like some people are even ashamed to talk to me or to know me... (Once a girl changed her seat one or two minutes after I sat right next to her). "

Can you give a little more insight as to why this is?

Thank you, sherri! God is faithful!

Dear brother Todd,

your question is not an easy one. It's also somewhat personal but I'll shed light on that, I think it could be blessing for all of us (me too). I'll try though to make a long story short:

This particular event with the girl happened before a year or so. It was time when generally the students in my semester were preparing for a burial ceremony for those that have donated their bodies to science. And that is very good and respectable thing, I really wanted to take part (with much reverence and thanks to the relatives and the deceased one). And so we've got to discuss what are the students going to say at the burial ceremony... and I looked over the text and... One of the major disagreement between me and the other students was that I said something like: "But we can't pray for the dead because we cannot help them anymore - whether they are in hell or in heaven we can't change anything about this..." The whole discussion went on and someone said something like "But positive thinking would not harm anybody etc." - it was harsh and then I decided better not go. And so these days then were somewhat... tough.

I know that not all people, not even all Christians will agree with what I've done. It's ok. Honestly, I also wondered whether I should just leave them do what they want or I shall tell them the truth because "Who knows? Probably they will never hear it again?" So, I said it. But I must confess that it's not that all other students are against me now. I get on well with others, speak normally and friendly with them but I guess that I will always remain somewhat 'strange' to them... The first two years in Germany were really hard because... I was somehow trying to preserve the faith and not become lukewarm, trying to find godly church etc. So, I think that in the first years, I was very hard on some points (I hope you understand)... I don't say that all I did then was absolutely perfect, I desire 'meek and quiet spirit' that knows how to speak the truth in love, and how and when I should shout. (Jesus drived people out of the temple but He said "I am meek and lowly in heart") So there is a way before me...

As for this particular event: I won't apologize and I don't turn back from my words. Who knows? May be some of them really have heard it for the first time in their life? My prayer is just that... I do the things that I do just to please Christ and not to focus on men (to desire their praise or their enmity) and also to be wise. Then I think many problems will solve themselves.

Thank you for the clarification. I think you did the right thing.

I want just to share with you my joy! :)

I've listened to the sermon and I would definitely recommend it to everybody!

I've also purchased the book and thank God, it arrived today. Its bigger than I thought (300+) pages but I don't think that will stop me. I just looked here and there throughout the book and methinks it will be a great blessing. Thank you Renee for the advice! I haven't heard of this author before but on the last pages in the "Bibliography" section there are mentioned some of the great Christians (known to me) - Samuel Chadwik, E.M.Bounds, Charles Finney, John Wesley, Leonard Ravenhill etc.

May the Lord raise up thousand times thousand such wholly consecrated people!

God bless you all! :)