Dear Saints,
From time to time I post on here with various questions and struggles, to which I have always received kind and sensitive responses. A number of folks have even taken the initiative to personally email me with encouragement and to those, I thank you.
I would like to share my heart once again. This may sound quite heavy and if Greg and the moderators deem this to be inappropriate for this forum then I understand if it has to be deleted.
I am really struggling with my faith at the moment. As I have said in a number of previous posts, I struggle with the assurance of salvation and reality of my own faith. This has been going on for over ten years now and I am finding myself now getting hardened, bitter, cynical and fed up.
I am actually finding myself disliking and resenting God (or at the very least, certain perceptions of him). I have really been struggling to believe that God is good.
This struggle to believe in God’s goodness has nothing to do with my life circumstances ”“ they are generally good. Rather, it is purely a spiritual and theological issue. Allow me to give some examples of my thought process:
I read a scripture such as Matt 7:14
"For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”
I find it difficult not to conclude that, in the light of this passage, God has made the way purposefully narrow and hard because he doesn’t want to save many people. How is that good?
I read that God is love (1 John 4:8) and that love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor 13:5). However, Christians are to expect a judgment where God does in fact bring up a record of wrongs (2 Cor 5:10), a judgment that might not be passed. How is that good?
I read that God will test the faith of his children by sending them all kinds of trials: Sickness, death, persecution etc. He even expects them to be thankful and rejoice at this (James 1:2). Those that are not and fall, He breaks off and casts away (Romans 11:22), not unlike a hardy training regime for some top military special forces position where only the toughest and strongest make it and qualify in the end. How is that good?
I read an account of one of the great revivals of the past, under Jonathan Edwards. I read how many would labour under soul -crushing fear and torment for weeks, months and years before displaying any signs that Edwards deemed worthy enough to be evidence of pardon before God. Some never even got there and fell away eventually (or even killed themselves). In fact, he even asserted the following in his sermon "pressing into the kingdom”:
"There are probably some here present that are now concerned about their salvation, that will never obtain. It is not to be supposed that all that are now moved and awakened, will ever be saving converted. Doubtless there are many now seeking that will not be able to enter. When has it been so in times past, when there has been times of great outpourings of God's Spirit, but that many who for a while have inquired with others, what they should do to be saved, have failed, and afterwards grown hard and secure? All of you that are now awakened, have a mind to obtain salvation, and probably hope to get a title to heaven, in the time of this present moving of God's Spirit: but yet, (though it be awful to be spoken, and awful to be thought) we have no reason to think any other, than that some of you will burn in hell to all eternity.”
This, again, paints the picture of a reluctant saviour (though no doubt Edward’s Calvinism comes into play here). How is that good of God?
I read a book that his heavily commended by many people, particularly on this site. It’s "Why Revival Tarries” by Leonard Ravenhill.
In it I find page after page of bitter ranting, on how bad the church is and how angry God is at it for not being holy enough (plus the constant rhetorical alliteration in his writing style gets very tiring and annoying very quickly).
The God of Ravenhill seems to be primarily defined by wrath, judgement and anger.
Instead of it driving me to deep repentance, the book had the opposite effect.
In fact, I stopped reading before the very end as I felt my faith slipping away after reading each chapter.
If that’s what God is like, how is he good?
I read a devotional thought by David Wilkerson that was posted up here a while back (https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=58625&forum=45) on how God wants total obedience and will be angry if the obedience is incomplete . This is based on the scripture 1 Samuel 15:3-11, where Saul did not massacre all of the Amalekites as God commanded but spared some (much like an evil, mad dictator would give a bloodthirsty command to one of his subordinates and get irate when it’s not followed through).
How is this a good God?
I read some recent threads on this forum, ones that assert that the recent hurricanes and earthquakes in the world are direct punishments from God. Especially in light of the fact that these disasters affect the poor and vulnerable (including small children) the worst, how is that good of God?
I confess my sins to God and ask for His forgiveness through Jesus. I have trouble believing God has forgiven me because I don’t receive the right kind of feeling or peace that some Christians say is needed to be confident of God’s forgiveness (believing 1 John 1:9 isn’t enough, apparently).
If that’s true, how is God good if he ignores me like that?
Finally, I have cried out to God many times in repentance for salvation. I have particularly asked for the witness and filling of the Holy Spirit, yet it still goes undiscerned. It, at least seems, that God has not granted this request, despite promising to (Luke 11:13).
How is this good of God?
I could give many, many more examples of these kind of thoughts. Now, it’s not all bleak. Somewhere deep down, I do hold out hope that God is good. Right now though, it’s very difficult for me to praise and love God. It has been a long time, for example, since I was able to sincerely sing along with a hymn or song that praises God.
So that is where I am at the moment. The examples I gave are a selection of many thoughts that I have. I sometimes wonder if I have missed the boat, and that God is deliberately hardening my heart against him as a punishment. I find it very hard to pray these days, though I am still a regular member of my local church (though I sometimes feel hypocritical for doing so).
I appreciate that this is a huge topic, and I understand if it is difficult to offer any counsel. In the midst of all this though, I have realised that there are two very basic, very practical questions that I have that maybe I could get some advice on:
How do I pray?
I have realised that I don’t know how to pray for an extended period of time (particularly in the light of my struggles). Sure, I know how to present requests to God, offer praise & thanksgiving and ask for forgiveness. But many people speak of spending long, quality time in God’s presence and tell of how vital it is for them. How do I do that?
How do I study the bible?
I have a pretty good knowledge of scripture (though more NT than OT), but I nearly always find it difficult to read in a devotional sense, and often come away feeling confused and discouraged.
If any of you have any pearls of wisdom to cast in my direction then I would be really, really grateful.
Many thanks
Jon