Thinking about marriage?

Dear people,

I've been thinking about marriage and "trying to plan for the future" in the recent months. But I find it at times so exhausting and confusing - since I do not know so many things.

Just in the last 3 days I've heard about 3 different couples getting married. And... being in a "marriageable age", I can't help sometimes the thought when my time will come.

I am at the same time amazed at marriage and what God has ordained it to be, and at the same time terrified at the possibility of making the wrong choice. Perhaps, I will have this way or the other to wait till I finish my studies before I get married... but how do I cope in the meantime? How can I escape the trap of thinking of my brothers in the Lord as "potential husband"? How can I "forget about marriage" even when I am interacting with unmarried people in the church?

And... what if I never marry?! I am fully convinved that men and women can find perfect peace and joy in God, through the years of singleness and through the years of marriage. But I realize that my problem trying to plan my future (and carrier), depending on something unknown. When, how, where, who?

At the end, I want to quote John Piper, answering a similar question on his podcast:

"You cannot plan things like this. You can’t. You can’t strategize as a young woman and say, "I’m going to have a Boaz.”

You can’t act like, "I know what to do. I know what fields to go to. I know a country to go to.” You can’t. You can’t strategize for this kind of matchmaking. You can only do your work with joy in the Lord and watch the sovereign God work for you.

That’s the first suggestion: Meditate and linger over the book of Ruth."

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/christians-are-marrying-later-how-do-i-wait-in-faith
That answers my question partly. I will be thankful for every godly advice!

Yours in Christ,

Years ago I was with a good brother in the Lord and we were looking at a local paper "penny saver" in the back were classifieds and ads for those "looking for someone". I read...

Looking for SWM must have job and car.

We both laughed so hard...we both knew the girl had probably been burned and had lowered the bar just above pond scum.

Greg's advice was excellent, its a good thing to be desirous or God's mate for you and to prepare yourself for that eventual union. If you know you were called to be married, it's no sense in giving yourself scenarios where you're a single all your life.
Patience and keeping a watchful eye for the providence of God is very important.
When it comes to standards make sure they are biblical ones. "tall dark and handsome" seems to be on most lists but I don't think God has put that on his list.
Be watchful of the fakes, church goers who seize the opportunity to find a good church-girl then unbeknownst to them, proceed with a satanic zeal to reduce your Christianity to rubble and your heart along with it.
Kick every man to the curb who will chose you over Jesus.
If they have no past history of living for Christ proven by his friends, known by his pastor and foremostly required by you, he is not qualified to untie your shoes.
Im not trying to get you to set a 'high' standard, as your brother keep these things in the forefront of your mind.
Will God lead you and guide you? Yes, Will he bring you his best? Yes. But in all what God will do, don't let your brain die, or your discerning shut off.

He will be the priest of your household, Is he saved 10 years but still cant pray effectively...this means he still lives by the flesh. Goes to Church but has no desire to study the scripture, no discernible desire to know God in prayer, has no interest in sharing his faith? 86 him like a drunk.
He will be the father of your children, barely takes responsibility for himself...unqualified for a godly woman wanting children. What's most important to him on his down time? It isn't what hobbies he has, it's the kind of person he is when its just my time, my money and my pleasure is he preparing for you as you are for him? If not, 86 him.

So, yea he should be a spiritual man...unless you want a fleshly looser and you don't need any advice on how to get those, they are dime a dozen.

Some will say "you're making it impossible for that woman to find a godly man", to which I say "No, any real born again man who is seeking God will have all this raw material even though he is young in the faith".

I'm not trying to give you a to-do list...just a few pointers.

and yes, he should have a car and a job too.

God brought Eve to Adam, it’s always best when God does the leading, just follow God s lead by keeping your eyes on Jesus and the rest will work itself out in due time.

At the risk of sounding like a real meanie...

It is true and biblical God will lead you, guide you and direct your heart.

I said all those 'other things' because in my past experience with young godly women who are beginning to search for godly husbands...'God will lead you' is too vague, to trite, to useless to even count as godly counsel.

Why? Because when 'tall dark and handsome' approached the young Christian woman she was enamored with his manly looks, carried away by his charms, rejoicing that such a young stud found her attractive...and then the real man came out and they were in bed in no time, listening to God became very hard, shame came in, her own desires and lusts came into play, her 'answered prayer' was now leading her into fornication and to another church.

She needed a lot more than "God will guide". So, at the risk of sounding like a meddler I pray God guide you as I have shared those few pointers, do not deviate from them and you will find God did truly guide you while you were strict and deliberate about what kind of man you believe God has sent to lead you, pray for you and nurture you in Christ.

If fathers were doing for their daughters what God has called them to do, much of this confusion, stress and difficulty would not even exist for young ladies.

Male predators would be kept at bay.
Emotional bonds would not form.
Physical bonds would be safeguarded.
Fornication would be next to nil.
Illegitimate children would be few.
Murder of the unborn (aka abortion) would be scarce.
Adultery would diminish significantly.
Divorce would be the exception rather than the norm.
Marriage would be honorable among both men and women.
Both men and women would be more respectful toward each other.
Hearts would be guarded rather than broken.
Much less baggage would be carried into marriages.
This world would be a better and a safer place.

Preventive measures have been abandoned.
We must now resort to remedial measures.

May God help us return to the 'old paths'.

Amen! That is spot on

Thank you all for your replies!

@Greg - I've read part of the book and do agree with the biblical principles explained there.

@Marvin - Thanks for your advices! Don't worry, "talk dark and hansome" is not my priority. I am rather constantly trying to remind myself what is God's purpose of marriage and how our home should glorify Him, what manner of wife (I) or husband (he) should be that we can fulfill that calling. And this helps especially in situations, when I am around hansome ungodly boys. "Don't even think about it!" (Edit to add: like you cannot achieve God's purpose with an ungodly man. On top of that, it is forbidden to marry unbelievers.)
And when I am around godly men, I think to myself that we have to somehow match each other also in the spiritual - convictions, devotions, love for the Lord. Not that we are going to be the same, but that we are going somehow to be most effective for the Lord, when we are "paired together" (complementing each other).
I only do not understand what "86 him" means? Could you please explain?

@Marvin - continued
"God will guide you" - is not useless as counsel. I guess, it is the very thing I need. You know we have a lot of "How to..." books these days, and many times in the Bible there are "how to" directions, too. But I think that after we have been immersed in the Word and God's principles (and continue to be all our days), God will guide us. "What man is he that feareth the LORD? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose." (Psalm 25)
At least this is the conclusion I came to through the years. I have so often desired to hear from God audibly, to have a dream, to have a verse impressed on my mind that will show me clearly the way, hear an answer to my prayer - "Lord, where I should go next?" in a sermon. And sometimes His leadings have been very clear, sometimes I had to go forward, trusting He will figure it out - and He lead.

Maybe I should learn to trust Him with my future!

@savannah
You are (partly) right. I believe mothers have also responsibility. It breaks my heart, when I hear of broken families. And many in my generation grow / are growing up in broken families. Therefore, my prayer is much more that Christians don't add fuel to the fire and we don't be part of that statistics.

My questions arises not because my parents have not shown me the right path - I thank God, they did show me Christ! But rather because I know the Truth, and want to remain in it, while the world is running the other direction.

I believe in the biblical principles of purity, permanence of marriage, submission etc. And there are still people out there, who believe and practice the same. God is faithful!

@Marvin 3

If you know you were called to be married, it's no sense in giving yourself scenarios where you're a single all your life.

Uhm... how do I know, if I am called to be married or called to be single? I want to marry, but that is not the same as "I know, God wants me to marry."

Hi takeupthecross:

Thanks for the replies.

86 is a colloquialism it means to 'throw out'.

Your responses bless my heart and it's a pleasure to share with you.

At the risk of over-simplification, if you were not called to be married, you would not be interested in it, you would not find any necessity to pray about it, sexual intimacy with your mate is a non-issue. So, as I see it, those who are called to be Eunuchs are so because they are gifted that way. Marriage for such a person is a non-starter...in short you wouldn't have posted on a discussion board the need for pointers on marriage...you would have asked "Anyone have pointers on being a Eunuch"?

Tall dark and handsome...that's not what my wife got, she got dumb blonde and plain. But, here's the great thing, she loves me deeply and tells me so almost daily; after 39 years I'll take her word that she means it.
It's God that has done that for me, and given to her a real mixed package. You are a mixed bag, so will be your future hubby.

What is a joy to read is you are thinking about these things so that you can navigate your relationship with Godly principles and a heart ever listening. With that in mind it's easy to say "God will guide those who are seeking and available to be guided".

I said "God will guide" is useless because those who walk in faith have snap-shots so-to-speak of what it means to be lead of the Spirit, and for those who purport to say "God will guide" and then for some reason we cannot offer one single snap-shot of what it looks like...is ironic to me.
The very time when real counsel is being asked, all you get is crickets...to me, that's weird.
It's also useless in that when such advice as I gave you is poopooed or some offense is found, I consider the woman who is asking for that kind of advice is disingenuous. For me, it's just as important to me to see how you will respond to such pointers...because it tells me how serious/unserious you are about Christ.

You'd be surprised to know the several that have asked like you have and I found out, it was they who were not serious about Christ and had no intention of seeking a mate with the kind of criteria I gave them.

I praise the Lord and thank God for young saints who will raise up families in the future for God's glory and the perpetuation of gospel preaching.

I apologize for sounding trite, as Marvin stated. On a board like this it is difficult to speculate as to a persons personal walk with The Lord and the maturity level, seriousness, etc....personally I like the basics in doing or following the principles of God s Word, follow God is very hard and not at all trite, it means your eyes are on Jesus, that’s a good place to have them as the eyes are indeed the windows of the soul. The baptist said behold the lamb of God......a good place to start. The book of Amos says can two walk together unless they are in agreement, that may also seem trite but when you think on that one principle a whole lot in courtship will become clear. What Marvin did was to give you some practical advise which is good advise but in the end the cross you bear may be one of singleness for a great many years and the only way you will get through it is to keep your eyes/heart fix on Jesus. My guess is that in the process of you serving Jesus as you develop as deeper sense of discernment into the ways of God s working in your life the thing you desire may just happen, all thing will happen decent and in order and bring glory/testimony to the faithfulness of God. Don’t be in a hurry sis.

Very well said brother Miller: that was good sound counsel amen.

TUTC,

You said,

"...that Christians don't add fuel to the fire..."

The fire can be likened to the wild fires in California.

The preventive measures have been abandoned, as I said in my previous post.

That's just the raw truth! And if we don't return to the 'old paths', regarding gender roles, as God has spelled out in plain language in His Holy Word, we'll only continue down the slope and into the mire.

And yes, mothers do have a responsibility as well. Titus 2:3-5 is easy enough to understand, even for a 10 year old.

So yes, both the fathers and the mothers have gone the way of Cain. The fathers do not protect, and the mothers do not train.

Yet, all hope is not lost! The proverb is still there in His Word, and we can hope and trust in Him. His Holy Spirit has not abandoned us. For He says, "Trust in the LORD with all thy heart; and lean not to thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy paths."
Proverbs 3:5,6

Thank you all once again for the answers! They are a blessing!

I am not in a hurry, brother. I think waiting is better than choosing someone below God's standards. And does not He make us one so that there be godly generation? - May the Lord's will be done!

God bless you all!

Dear Sister,
Great questions you have asked.
As long as your heart truly desires to do the Lord's will, He will lead you. That is the testimony of countless godly women over the ages.
There's no reason to be afraid of hitching up with the wrong person. You continue to walk with the Lord and He'll take care of the rest.
But of the things you can do:
1]Maintain your walk with Him.
2]Seek to grow in the fruit of the Spirit
3] Pray for him! Yes, him whom you do not currently know. Pray for him as you would want an intercessor to pray for you. Pray for his walk with the Lord, pray for his vocation, pray for his family, pray for his mother [!] and sisters, pray for his health, pray for his calling, pray that he will be a man of prayer. Pray about everything you can think of and then, pray some more.
4]Acquire/develop your house-keeping skills e.g. cooking [including baking]cleaning, simple decor, sewing, etc
5]Have conversations with [or read good books about] godly older women who are/were happily married.
6] Be very careful how you relate to young men, christian or otherwise. Do not allow your emotions be fastened on anyone until you KNOW for certain he is the one. Be kind and polite to all but do not spend time with young men, even christian ones. You will be amazed how quickly attachments can form simply by spending time with one particular person.
7]Finally, be at peace. The Lord is quite aware of your situation. Even now, He is working to bring His counsel to pass in your life.
Warm hugs to you....

@Alec

I do not understand you. Could please clarify? What kind of doctrine could one build around such bad experience?

@Tolu
Thank you! That's good list of things to do - especially prayer! I did not think before of praying for his mother :D

Edit to add: Oh, and guess what I found out: If you want your husband to be a godly man, a man of prayer, so must you yourself be. Otherwise you both would be incompatible. And since God wants us to watch in prayer, it is good to seek "the normal Christian life" instead of settling for less in your own life or the life of your family.

Blessings!