Does God really love me?

Hello.

I joined this forum out of desperation. I checked out many Christian forums but have seen so many petty and prideful debates I couldn't bear it. I've seen them here, too, but I chose SermonIndex because the pastors and teachers I trust are uploaded here to listen to.

Please forgive my bluntness. My desperation is painful and I just don't have the time, patience or interest for anything but honesty right now. I know this is a LONG post and I'm sorry. But, as I said, I'm desperately in need to pour my heart out. My story is a long one, so I'll bullet point as much as possible. I chose the name Wallpaper because that's how I feel.

Never married male in my 50's. No family. Two friends. (93 year old Catholic woman who lives across the hall and a 35 year old unsaved man I used to work for.) I've been a hermit (literally) over 10 years now. No car. No debt. Haven't attended church in over 10 years due to abuse and never finding a true one. No career. I went from corporate support positions to blue collar, and then to part-time caretaker at my apartment building. It pays the rent, my electric, phone, and internet, and leaves me $35 a week for food. I haven't had a vacation since 2001. If I ever do leave my apartment building, it's to go six blocks to the grocery store and back. Got rid of my TV 20 years ago this year. I hate Hollywood (I wouldn't dump a box of trash in the middle of my living room and I got tired of letting Hollywood do it -- and paying for the privilege), I believe NOTHING in the media anymore, and I completely, 100%, no exaggeration, do not like, recognize, or relate to anything in this world anymore. It has NOTHING I want.

I grew up in an unloving family, with an abusive (physically and emotionally) dad, and was a very naive kid who was loosed into the world without preparation. I think I became a Christian when I was 17. I was a lonely kid and a girl at school (who I didn't know because kids only ever teased me) told me that Jesus was a best friend who would never leave me. That's all I wanted in life - a friend. So, I went to the baptist church and was even baptized. This worsened the stress between me and my family. We parted ways when I left home. We were a family of strangers growing up anyway. Today, I have no idea where or who they are and, even though I have NO bad feelings about them in the least, I'm not interested in re-connecting.

I didn't know college was meant to prepare you for a job. I went to college and basically flunked out after two years. I'm not stupid by any means, I just didn't know what college was for. I went back to college at 35 for a year when I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I made the Official Who's Who as the top .5% of students nationwide. I quit when I realized what teachers had to go through these days.

Every job I've ever had, I was taken advantage of. I finally couldn't take anymore and quit my job, knowing full well I could end up homeless because I only had enough money to pay next month's rent and bills. No government aid and no help from anyone. That's when I became a hermit because every single person who called themselves my friend deserted me. They were uncomfortable with my unemployment and stopped calling. I never once asked any of them for a thing. Ever. I realized that the only time they EVER called me was when THEY wanted something. So, I gave up and became a hermit and have been one ever since. No dreams. No goals. No hope. Just a dead existence. I'm the person you read about in the news who died and no one even knew until three months later when the bad smell came from their apartment.

My life consisted of watching YouTube sermon videos. Charles Spurgeon, Shane Idleman, Francis Chan, Zac Poonen, ... all the pastors and teachers you find here on Sermon Index.

Some years ago, it dawned on me that I didn't have a relationship with Jesus. I've never experienced Him. I loved Him but it was a knowledge-based religion. I never thought about having a personal relationship with Jesus because I was abused as a kid and taken advantage of my entire life. Dreams, friends, happiness, money... they weren't meant for me. I wasn't worth knowing and have always been made to feel that I had to prove myself to be allowed a job, to attend a church, to have friends. I gave everything I had - time, possessions, emotions, money - and I'm still alone and useless. All it got me was a low self-esteem, a habit of perfectionism, and a self-loathing. Now I mourn for a wasted life.

All I want in this world is to know Jesus and have Him know me. I want to know that I'm loved. (I've never once heard the words, "I love you" in my life.) I don't want to be one of the Matthew 7:21-23 crowd. I don't want to go to heaven empty handed, without anything, or anyone to show for it. In fact, I don't even know if I'm saved!

I've spent so many of my hermit years trying to seek God. Am I saved? Does He love me? Can I have a life? I've been as honest with God as I know how to be. I've acknowledge every sin and haven't justified a single one. But still, I feel nothing. I've tried reading scriptures but it's a dead books to me. Prayer is like talking to the ceiling. They always have been. But, when I listen to sermons, I actually feel something. It's almost a curse because I feel convicted, encouraged, excited, etc., but never to any avail in my personal life. The thing is, the ONLY thing I do know is that God is real and that every word in the scriptures are HIS words and are 100% true. If I had Jesus, and knew He was mine and I was His, and could at least feel loved ONE TIME, I wouldn't let anything stop me!

But, I can't seem to accept that He loves me. That He forgives me. I can't forgive myself. I can forgive anyone else ANYTHING! But me? All I feel is shame, guilt and condemnation. I know the scripture says those aren't from Him. I know that not forgiving myself insults Him and is calling Him a liar. I "KNOW" all of this! But I can't seem to get past head knowledge. I can't experience Him. I've poured my heart out to Him more times than I can count!

WHY WON'T JESUS HELP ME?! What am I doing wrong? Has He rejected me and I'm wasting my time? I've asked for help to truly repent and to surrender completely. I don't even care about or want anything this world has to offer. I'd be 100% content to remain a hermit and pray anonymously every single day for the rest of my life IF I COULD ONLY KNOW THAT I AM SAVED AND HE LOVES ME!

I just don't know what else to do. I can sink any lower or have any less unless I lose my job, which would cause me to be homeless. And honestly, the ONLY thing that would change is having a roof over my head and nothing else. As far as I feel right now... big deal!

I just want to know what I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't Jesus respond and help me when I'm being as honest and sincere as I know how to be? I thought He wasn't supposed to be a respecter of persons? But I see Him help so many others instantly and their lives are changed. Have I been given up on? Am I going through all of this just to end up in hell anyway? I can't even allow myself to get angry with God because I KNOW He's perfect and any problems I'm having with Him are MY fault.

I feel less than human. I've tried everything I know, even just giving up and giving Jesus time to act/respond. Nothing. I do not understand. Why is this so hard when ALL I want is Him? I can't bear to want Him so much only to be rejected by Him, too. Rejection is all I know and to be rejected by Him would be the final straw.

You know I was pretty isolated from the church for a significant chunk of time. As I'm getting connected more and more (to a good spiritual church, balanced, loving, biblical) to my church my life has gotten drastically better. I have gotten pastoral counseling (I'm going today actually in 20 minutes to meet with a pastor and talk and pray) many sessions. I have gone to another church's healing center for prayer and counsel. I've done a SOZO session. I have gone to home groups for a period of time. I have watched sermons online(that's all I used to do actually), but its not the same as actually going to a gathering of believers. The church doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be humble and biblical and balanced too.
Also, since many people who attend church aren't mature christians, you should consider good pastors and elders to open up to and get prayer from. I also have listened to audio books about spiritual warfare and counseling and healing. Specifically, Dr Neil T Anderson's material and others. I love Derek Prince's material. But mostly spending time with mature christians who love me and pray for me has helped the most.

I think the problem with you is your Hermit life style. If you speak to a Hindu saint, he would guide you perfectly and give you the peace you seek. I know very well because I was raised as a Hindu.

I know you had rejections and people taking advantage of you, but the same was true with Jesus as well. His own disciple betrayed him. The people whom he came to save, crucified him. What more rejection do we need? I am not sure any human has faced the rejection that Jesus went through. Still he ended up dying for them. Still he ended up living a normal life to be an example of those who want to live a normal life. He did not shut himself to be a hermit. He loved God the father so much that he loved those human who were created in his image as well. How can he live away from these loved ones like a Hermit? He will not and could not.

In short living as a hermit is not a solution for a Christian life. It is a solution for pagan religions but not for Christianity. If a person starts to love God he will also love the people around him and work for their welfare, even if he constantly faced rejections.

I would suggest you to ask God to show you what real love is. Ask him that you want to love people around you who are created in God's image. The love of God will soon be poured into your heart by Holy SPirit.

Yeah you know something I heard a while ago was similar to what Sree said. If I would become the kind person I would want others to be to me (loving, patient, outgoing, friendly, considerate, etc) I would find myself with friends and happiness and love. Of course, the devil will not want you to break out of that and uses past hurt and rejection to keep us down. Unfortunately that is how the devil works, but its all a lie. And evil/mean/abusive people aren't worth it anyway. Why care what they think? Of course we should forgive them and wish them the best in terms of salvation, by why let mean/bad people keep us down when God is so not like that?

Also: part of my trust issues I had with God was not understanding him. I started going to the early church fathers like Irenaeus to get their understanding of scripture and theology. I was confused with differing theological understandings of God from different more modern churches/groups/denominations. Irenaeus helped me greatly to understand God, his continuous good intentions for us and also understand other confusing things in the bible that are the topic of debate and division and misunderstanding.

Here's an example of Irenaeus Against Heresies Book 4, Ch 37:

"This expression [of our Lord], "How often would I have gathered thy children together, and thou wouldest not,” set forth the ancient law of human liberty, because God made man a free [agent] from the beginning, possessing his own power, even as he does his own soul, to obey the behests (ad utendum sententia) of God voluntarily, and not by compulsion of God. For there is no coercion with God, but a good will [towards us] is present with Him continually. And therefore does He give good counsel to all. And in man, as well as in angels, He has placed the power of choice (for angels are rational beings), so that those who had yielded obedience might justly possess what is good, given indeed by God, but preserved by themselves. On the other hand, they who have not obeyed shall, with justice, be not found in possession of the good, and shall receive condign punishment: for God did kindly bestow on them what was good; but they themselves did not diligently keep it, nor deem it something precious, but poured contempt upon His super-eminent goodness. Rejecting therefore the good, and as it were spuing it out, they shall all deservedly incur the just judgment of God,..."

Thank you for the responses.

I realize that my isolation isn't good. Years ago, I remember reading on these very forums some people arguing about whether or not it's possible for a Christian to be one by themselves and not attend a church. I don't know if it's "possible," but I can tell you this as 100% fact - Christians are not INTENDED to. There will always be others out there who say, "That's you, not me. I'm different." To those, I would look them straight in the eye and say firmly, "No. You're not different. That's pride talking."

I initially became a hermit because I was exhausted. My whole life has been spent trying to help other people. I was there when anyone needed me. The problem is, I was like a lake with rivers and streams running out of me to everyone and everything that I was helping. But there were no rivers or streams flowing back into my life. As a result, I dried up. I very literally had nothing left to give. It was then that every person in my life who called themselves a "friend," abandoned me. Even the guy that called himself my "best friend" would only take me grocery shopping if I paid for gas and paid for lunch. It dawned on me that no one had EVER called me for my sake. It was always ONLY when they needed me. So, my faith in people disappeared.

Noah, I was the exact person you described. I was told very often that people considered me as a person of kindness, love, non-judgment, honesty, giving, and even intelligence... I even told them that it was just Jesus in me and I honestly meant that. The ONE nice thing I can say about myself is that I'm a fantastic friend.

So yes, I'm aware that my isolation isn't good. I'm working on it. But, I don't have a car, money, or a good church within a five mile walking distance. Yes, I've visited them all. And, for the record, I'm NOT asking anyone here (or anywhere) for money, food, or anything else. I ONLY posted this thread because I'm not getting anywhere with God and I could post here anonymously. Like I said, I WANT GOD! I KNOW He's capable of anything and everything. If money would fix something, He's able to meet that need without my telling anyone else about it. (I'm a fan of George Muller.)

And, to be honest... I'm GRATEFUL that everyone abandoned me. They weren't really friends anyway were they? I thought perhaps God was using the situation to weed them out of my life to make room for Him. I was all for it!

So, my main point is NOT that I'm hurt and taken advantage of by people, work, churches, etc., All of that happened and led me to this point but I'm not stuck on it. Hurt happens and I've learned to rejoice in it! I feel like I could survive A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G that God allows to happen now! I've had every person stripped from my life. Even my cat, the only living being who EVER loved me. I've had my money and possessions stripped away. Big deal - never cared about that kind of thing anyway. I've had any sense of purpose and belonging stripped away. What do I have left? My apartment, a part-time job, my health (as far as I know) and enough food to keep me alive. No problem! I could be PERFECTLY CONTENT with that....

IF...

If I had God. What I'm hurt by is His silence after years of begging, repenting, waiting, longing and doing all that I know to do to be right with Him. Not once have I experienced Him. I don't know if I'm saved or not. I ask for assurance and get nothing. Ok, if I'm NOT saved - then SAVE ME! I'm open to hear ANYTHING from Him but get nothing! Even having Him rage at me would be SOMETHING! I'm not in denial about my sin. No one could ever be harder on me than I am, even though I know that's wrong.

After everything I've been through and all the rejection I've experienced throughout my life... WHY does God reject me? He is ALL I want. If it takes being homeless to get Him, I will gladly walk out my front door and never look back. I DON'T CARE! The thing is, I would be ANGRY at God if I didn't know better. I KNOW that the problem lies within me and THAT is what kills me. It's not unforgiveness because I can honestly say I've forgiven everyone. I don't have an ill thought about any of the people who have ever hurt, abused, or taken advantage of me.

I don't know what to do. I've done everything I know to do. I'm at the end of myself and have NO strength left. But, I've been at that point for the last year. Isn't that when God is supposed to step in? What is so wrong with me that even God can't love me?! My past be damned! I'm talking about TODAY! Right now! I can't think of ONE EXAMPLE where God made ANYONE wait to receive Him, or His love, this long. Decades? Seriously?

Again, to reiterate: I'm not paralyzed by past hurts. They were only incidents that got me to this place. I realize the value in them. Do I trust people? No. But I can love people without trusting them. I can love freely. Trust, however, has to be earned now. I used to trust people until they gave me a reason not to.

I just want God. But He refuses every attempt on my part. It's HIS rejection that hurts me today. Why should I care about anything - or even live - if He doesn't love or accept me? (No, I'm not suicidal, just to set minds at ease! That's NEVER an option with me.)

One other thing, as long as I have nothing to lose:

To SermonIndex:

I love your ministry and appreciate your resources so, so much. I've lived on them for the last 12 years. But, I wonder if you realize how many people you are HURTING by not allowing comments on your YouTube videos?

You are refusing fellowship to many people who are alone, hurting, and would love to talk with like-minded believers about the things of God that we hear in each message. Why do you refuse us this blessing? Because a troll might say something contrary? That's real life and you can't shelter people from that. Where else are some of us supposed to go for this fellowship when we have nowhere to go offline?

Please consider opening up the comments again. And one other thing: It would be nice to read something about the sermon in each video in the Description Box instead of the mission of SermonIndex every time. It feels like you throw videos out there just to get them out there, but without care or thought to those who take their time to watch and listen.

Jesus said, "Whoever comes to me I will never turn away."

Do you believe that? Just answer yes or no.

Yes. I can't even say, "Yes, but..." That's why I don't understand His silence for so many years now.

If you truly believe what He said that means you as well. Don't trust in your feelings; take Jesus at His word. For some years I did not know if I was accepted by Christ, until I said "Lord, you said You will not reject me, so in spite of my feelings, I choose to believe You."

That's truly weird Wallpaper. Because I was learning and reading the main problem that people face when trying to get close to God is a wrong understanding of him or deep hurts, etc.

I mean. I don't think you should question your salvation though. I mean if you believe God's word and respect Him (and repent and love him too), he loves you. He loves people because he created them to enjoy them as his children (in righteousness of course, that where sin hurts the situation). And he created his creatures for them to enjoy Him back. And its very much enjoyable to spend time with God communing, worshiping, praying, reading. Its just that isolation tends to really hurt that situation.

That's odd you can't connect with him though. But his word sure talks about his love for us.

Just look at this verse:

"Opening his mouth, Peter said: "I most certainly understand now that God is not one to show partiality, but in every nation the man who fears Him and works righteousness is welcome to Him." Acts 10:34-35

Do you think you qualify for this promise? it sounds like you do...

Another thing that can be said though is that the leaders in the church are the "dealers of the oil" so to speak:

""The foolish said to the prudent, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ "But the prudent answered, ‘No, there will not be enough for us and you too; go instead to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.’” (Matthew 25:8”“9, NASB95)

If you are not in a good church, and submitted, and getting at least some fellowship-- I would think that could really cause a blockage between you and God. I mean I don't know. Surely their are examples of people who feel the Spirit alone. But everyone is different and its up to the individual person to figure out what is the next step God wants them to take to move forward with God. etc

also Wallpaper. If you email me I will give you my phone number. also i can maybe 3 way call my pastor if you want to chat us three and we can also pray over the phone

Hi Wallpaper,

Do you know what Simon Peter's first prayer was?

After Jesus performed a miracle (directed squarely at him), Peter realized who was standing in his boat. This was God in the form of a man standing in his boat. Peter fell to Jesus's knees and said:

"Depart from me; for I am a sinful man, O Lord."

What was the Lord's response?

He looked at Peter and his first words were "Fear not" (Luke 5:4-10).

Brother, all that I can tell you is that you should fear not. Jesus is close to those who are brokenhearted. As "drifter" said, the Lord will not turn you away when you come to him.

No matter what you've struggled with in your life, the Lord has always been there...always looking at you...always longing to hold you in his arms. He has always been saying to you (whether you heard him or not), "Do not be afraid."

This promise of God's longing love is for all -- seemingly big or small, seemingly important or not.

I am glad that you've studied God's Word and listened to ministers. However, right now, think about another man from the Bible: David.

David is one of the great heroes of the Bible. When Saul would feel torment from an evil spirit, a young David would play his harp and Saul would be "refreshed." He slew a lion and a bear to save his father's sheep. He killed Goliath the Philistine. He united Israel and Judah and chased out invaders. David was amazing.

Yet, this mighty man also had a weakness. David fell into sin.

In II Samuel 11, we read about this journey into sin. David fell to lust...adultery...a cover-up...and murder...and marrying this wife of the man that he had killed. That man, Uriah the Hittite, was one of his "mighty men" (I Chronicles 11:26-47).

Compared to his predecessor, King Saul, David's sin seems to be much worse. Saul had grown proud and didn't do all of the things that God had instructed him. He saved the enemy's animals (which were supposed to be killed) in order to use them for sacrifice.

David, on the other hand, had went down a journey of sin. In fact, we next read about how Nathan came to King David and confronted him over that sin.

What was David's response?

Whereas Saul (after he was confronted with his own sin) requested that Samuel the prophet worship with him so he could remain honored in front of the people, David was different. In brokenness, David cried out to God.

While II Samuel 12:13 says that David admitted his sin to Nathan the prophet, we read of David's cry elsewhere.

Psalm 51 is David's cry.

He cried out for God to have mercy upon him and blot out his transgressions. He cried out for God to create a clean heart in him and to renew a right spirit within him. He cried out for the "joy of thy salvation" to be restored to him.

Whereas King Saul wanted to use animals for sacrifice, David knew that the sacrifices that God desires are a "broken spirit...and broken and contrite heart." Like the passage that drifter mentioned, David knew that God would not despise a broken and contrite man who comes to him.

God heard David's cry.

Hundreds of years later, when Jerusalem was in danger of being invaded, another king cried out to God. King Hezekiah cried out for God to save the city. God answered through Isaiah the prophet. He said, "For I will defend this city to save it for mine own sake, and for my servant David's sake" (Isaiah 37:35).

It had been hundreds of years after David's grievous sins. David was long dead. Yet, God still thought so highly of David -- a "man after his own heart" -- that he said that he would defend the city for his own sake and "for my servant David's sake." Even when Jesus walked on the Earth, he wasn't called the "son of Abraham" or "son of Moses." He was called the "son of David."

Brother, God sees you. He is close to you -- near to you -- even when you don't feel it or know it. He longs to spiritually embrace you and has no desire to cast you out.

You are as important in the eyes of the Lord -- who has no favorites -- as Simon Peter and David.

You are not a loser either. There are no lost causes in the world. You don't have a college degree? So what? You don't have a good job, friends, money, cars, etc?

Paul the Apostle once seemed to have it all. He had an education, a calling, a pedigree. Yet, he knew that it was nothing more than dung (Philippians 3:8). After all, the dust of this world is fleeting.

If you lived to be 120-years-old, it still wouldn't be worth comparing with just the beginning of eternity. The sorrows and loneliness of this temporary life will be forgotten as God wipes every tear...sorrow...crying...and pain from our thoughts.

Friend (and, yes, you are a friend), let me encourage you: Trust in God. Yeah, I know that this is easier said than done. That's why it is called "faith." Simply put: Believe him. Believe God. That will heal you...make you whole again...even when you feel empty.

Right now, I would encourage you to spend some time in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke or John) and time in prayer.

Read the Word so that the Lord can speak to you. After all, God knew you even 2000 years ago when he spoke all of those words printed in red. Pray to simply talk to him. My favorite way to do this is to lay on my bed, put a pillow over my face and cry out to him after (and sometimes even while I read the Word).

I will be praying for you right now.

Wallpaper, Taking you at your word it sounds like you are on the right track except for questioning whether God loves you. If you are indeed seeking Him with your whole heart and staying as faithful as you can be to His Word, then you are in His love.

John 14:21- "He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him."

Maybe He hasn't manifested Himself to you in the way you had hoped or in the timing you thought, but in light of what He has promised stay faithful and trust Him anyways.

Have you considered that maybe your life has changed and that the notable things He has done for others are things that He has not seen necessary to do for you? Have you considered that maybe His silence is a test and you are being tried as to whether you'll be faithful and serve Him even if He stays silent for a long time, never does anything remarkable for you for a long time, never gives you feelings of love, acceptance, etc for a long time? Maybe you're seeking an answer that isn't there and that you really don't need.

It is important that you find a faithful church to join and serve in. Yet you can't compromise truth and join something that you know is unbiblical. But keep looking and praying for a fellowship that faithfully represents the faith once delivered to the saints which you can join wholeheartedly with a clear conscience.

Lean on His promises and let the hope of what He has promised keep you faithful to do His will. You sure won't be ashamed of doing so on Judgment Day. Any revelation of Himself to you in a special way, or any extraordinary mercy to you, that should happen before that would just be a bonus.

Job 35:14- "Although thou sayest thou shalt not see him, yet judgment is before him; therefore trust thou in him."

Your personal story sounds very familiar brother. I believe you were a member here under a different name before. Welcome back. I look forward to seeing your faith and hope restored.

Your past contributions were a blessing.

How did you make a commitment to follow the Lord ? Did you ever experience his spirit leading you to do anything after that ?

Sometimes the Lord can say things to us and we may not realize the importance at the time. We are all learning.

I'm sorry my question was to the original poster, Wallpaper

Wallpaper. I was listening to an audio book I got on audible:

Bondage Breaker - Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Irrational Feelings, Habitual Sins by Neil Anderson.

It made me think of you. I will gift it to you if you can't afford it. otherwise, I think you get your first audible book free on audible. The narrator is good too.

Neil T Anderson is also on sermonindex.net

https://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/viewcat.php?cid=614