i've had it. i'm done. i'm thru. i'm finished. i can't take this life anymore. oh, you think, i'm just a little stressed, over reacting, need to calm down. no, i mean, MY ENTIRE LIVED LIFE SPAN!! I'M TIRED OF LIVING!! I HAVE NO WILL LEFT TO LIVE!! oh?? is your sense of moral and legal obligations kicking in? saying death is both morally and legally wrong???? no matter what?? unless you die of a heart attack, old age, or accident? oh, now youre thinking i need medical help and need medications and need to go see a doctor and be thrown in a insane asylum. sorry, that was already tried. one, it cost over seven grand down the toilet, two, each and EVERY single med they put me on, i never knew was possible to do certain ...not SIDE affects...but actual reactions caused by the drugs instead.why am i tired of life? the misrifing life i've had to live with that has never ended, and only followed me as a curse and i've never been able to figure out, what did i ever do to deserve this????????? what?????????? or are the sins of my parents being visited on me???????????the type of life style i was raised with? one of solitude in multiple forms. one, i was an only child, or a spoild brat as referred to by others (now that i'm older and exposed to how much else? i call others more spoiled) as i grew, i had to get used to my parents fighting nearly every other day of the week. when i say fight, i mean.... FIGHT. screaming, yelling, things getting thrown, broken, rings getting tossed, flowers getting trashed.....divorce papers getting drawn up how many times, my mom packing up and running away how many times....I was the one begging and pleading and crying my eyes out as a kid for them NOT to get divorced, to stop fighting....and now?? now??? oh i'm so sorry i did and i wish they did get a divorce.when it wasn't solitude at home, it was solitude at school. pick the name in the book. i was called it. where was i born and raised? hawaii. NO, i'm NOT HAWAIIAN. my mother is from alaska my father is from missouri which makes me a russian jewish aleut. in hawaii, everyone is either oriental or polynesian. if youre not, and youre white, its the equivalent to a black in the south - same difference, same discrimination. and i got it, i got the major brunt of it. at first, i thought it was just a grade school gig. and when i changed schools to middle school and NEW classmates were there and NOONE followed me from gradeschool, ithought the curse was done. no. it followed me to middle school.then it got worse.my mother in grade school, developed epilepsy while i was in 2-3rd grade. i started, one year after her, but i wasn't going unconcious yet. i was just getting warnings and how i was supposed to know those were forms of seizures??? i was just a child! and then, i dropped dead in middle school, in homeroom. and everything turned to chaos after that. teachers grew paranoid around me if all i did was put my head down on my desk and i was YELLED at NEVER to do that again when they NEVER did that BEFORE. and better yet??? kids i didn't even know, mocking me and teasing me as if i had faked the seizure.when i went to high school, it happened again. i was hoping it wasn't as i even got a district exception to drive over 30 miles for musical educational reasons. i would have expected at highschool age, they matured out stupid childish mockeries and teasing. no.oh and then college. oh i was so glad to fly to the mainland for college away from hawaii and was expecting a new change, for people to be more grown up, more adultish, no.so when it came to social skills???? i swear, a curse was and still is for crying out loud following me whereever the heck i go. even when i enter a place with clean slate, a happy face, noone knows my past, i don't bring it up, but they do. one way form or another.so you say go to a church. one - i've already been kicked out of two. its already happened now in a church setting TWICE for crying out loud. two....after it happening twice....i'm NOT just gonna go walking in to any church, say hey there, howzit, lets celebrate together. i don't think so. i've already tried walking in quietly to a few, and even in those...i already can tell what was starting and i'm not going through that again.o, you say its a psychological thing where i'm just overly sensitive and overly reactive? and pick up very easily on this that that this? versus other people who let it roll off their sleeves so quickly its like it never happened or never existed??? trust me, i've already been through all this gig,....nothings....worked.at least ONE psycho-shrink got at least ONE gig right. and that was because he wasn't getting paid and he had only 15 min or less at a restaurant table. that i was extremely overly controlled by my mother as a kid and STILL had left over controlling after effects. how controlled was i? beyond what the normal motherly control the mom has over her children.i was NEVER allowed to DATE ANYONE...even threw highschool...AND COLLEGE. when it came to reading books, fictional stories were EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL ..........so i never read. ever. save what was required for class reading, and then quickly dumped it out of my mind. i had more non-fictional books for collection. movies soon became evil next. then tv shows. then the computer and computer games. then music of varying sorts was evil next. soon, i just learned to sit out on the lanai and watch traffic go by and learned to become a vegitable. if not, sleep, or get a piece of paper and draw junk. i had no friends, no where to go, nothing to do. the home i lived in was on the seventh floor of an apartment building. the apartment? very veryvery very small. one bedroom, one bathroom. the livingroom, same size as the bedroom. so i never had my own room. as far as drivers licence? i never got it till AFTER I GRADUATED from high school...the only one good thing i was ever thankful for in my life, and now he's gone, was my baby. my horse. hes dead. he was all i was ever happy for, and now he's dead. and ever since he died, i've never gone home.that's just some of my misery. i was able to eventually....EVENTUALLY....make a little space in my heart for my horse, espcially after a dream i had and a prayer came to pass and i was able to say goodbye to my baby one last time.but now?? now???? after this?? this time? this prayer? this long story that i will continue to explain why i want my life to end???? no, thats it, that's final, i've had it, i'm finished, i'm through, no more, i can't take it anymore.the way my mother raised me???? because she always nearly every single dang day fought with my father, 'pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband, pray for your husband.....' over and over and over and over again and again and again.... so i did, ever since i was how old, a little brats age. now, over time yes, things did change. when i was a little brat i may have been attrated to one type of guy that if you dropped in front of me now, i look at him, and go...huh? i don't think so. but as time passed, and i got older, i did start making a secret list in my head. no, it wasn't the i want him, tall, dark, handsome, blue eyed....uh...no. i got waaaaaaaaaay more specific than that on how many details and descriptions, and left other factors, completely, vague. and the list, was almost like a christmas shopping list and was very long, and very specific. after all, if this is going to my husband whom i am going to spend LIFE with, till death do us part....i get to be as picky as i wish as some things are not going to change and i'm going to have to learn to live with. now, time went by...i wasn't expecting EXACTLY TO THE TEE..EVERYTHING..i had on my list to ever be answered...ever. men came, men went. i had crushes, but they were puppy dog crushes and let go-able. and then, he was brought before my eyes. right in my lap. at first, i did not drop any hints, i withheld everything back. i had to make sure first of one thing. for if that was missing, then never mind, it wasn't worth it, he'd be like the others. and then i found out, he was the son of a pastor. his father had started his church. then i had to make sure. no, it wasn't new age set, it was non-denominational, and yes he was born again. i nearly fell out of my chair, dropped my jaw, cried my eyes out.....EVERY SINGLE ITEM I HAD LISTED ON MY PRAYER LIST FOR A HUSBAND WAS CHECKED OFF, WAS ANSWERED, WAS MET, WAS BROUGHT BEFORE ME, AND HERE HE WAS, RIGHT BEFORE EYES, RIGHT IN FRONT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! am i gonna list what was on my list? no...it was between me and HA'SHEM. was it really long, and really specific?? you bet it was. no, it wasn't as lame as the blonde hair, blue eyes, 6'2", 174lbs, makes $1.2mil/yr, likes boating and skiing....no no no no no no no no no. the stuff one has to put up on dating web sites doesn't really cover jack didly squat of what i told HA'SHEM. sides, the man i met, didn't even match that one bit as i didn't even ask for that.what happened instead??? he met both me and my roommate at the same time, he went for her instead. he preferred her over me. i was too unnatractive for him. he was nowhere near emotionally attached to me, only physically attracted he said. what did he do??? oh he didn't care if he mentally traumatized me and expected me just to shake it off as if i walked in on a R rated gore flick movie, got grossed out and wiped it out of my mind that instant when i walked in on him and my roommate at the time...no, they weren't married yet..then they didn't even care if i was asleep in the same room, they just figured i would stay asleep and not wake up. i'm sorry, if i really wanted to see that, that's what pornography is for??????as time passed, i had to tell them to get married or stop committing fornication (of which now he puts 20% blame of his marriage on me as he is no longer in 'love' with his wife, wish he never married her and instead married another girl....who he indeed commited adultry with her too, she only told me after i told her he had a one night affair with me and she feared she had std's from him as she had no other partners but him for a while - total, we know he's had adultry with at least 4-5 and counting, and before marriage, four) he then thought i was telling him to get married as a choice option, either marry my roommate, or marry me. no, that's not what i was trying to tell him. i cared more for him than that. i wanted him to stop pissing G+D off if he said he was born again, and putzing around without a zipper. but no, he took it instead as a motion to keep me away from him.worse yet, because i have seizures, the trauma me of walking in on them, made the seizures worse where frequency increased, medicine didn't do squat and they thought i was faking it too. it got to the point, the smallest thing triggered a seizure.for how long i even sacrificed MY LIFE for them to calm things down. there would be one night a week i would dissappear so those two could go do as they please in bed without me walking in on them, i even took 'b' shift of work that got off at midnight to 2am depending on overtime schedule. sometimes i'd even just sit in my car for like an hour or longer after work so those two could go bang their heads out and when i got home, not have to worry about 'walking in on them'. then work changed from '8 hour' to '12 hour' shift schedule. i was gone all night long. i didn't have to worry period anymore, they had all night to themselves.then it happened at work. i dropped dead royally. i should have died. i wish i did. i almost did....was 'legally dead' for several minutes technically speaking. i went into seizure at work. fell off my chair, hit my head twice, cracked my skull in five places, had a severe partial left and right brain hemmorahage, flatlined and bled to death, electric paddles were NOT working on me, and the schmucks shoved a tube down my throat and ruined my vocal cords to jump start me, and that worked when i should have been declared dead. (i wish i had a DNR at that time)now?? recovery is pure hell. over half my memory comes and goes extremely often. once upon a time i could do calculus III, now i can't even do basic mathematics. i can't read, grammer and vacabulary are gone, reading comprehension is nill, concentration?? say what? a five year child has more to offer than me. an officially declared 'mentally retarded' person has more to offer than me. oh why don't i go to rehab you ask???????????????????????????? one, i don't have health insurance. NO ONE COVERS PRE EXISTING CONDITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two, i am no longer considered a 'minor' to be covered under my father's health insurance, that expired at age 24. three, anyone wanna donate several million??? that's what its gonna practically cost. four-yes, for all those curious, i DID apply to SSI and NO i was NOT approved. yes, i DO have a lawyer who is filing for appeal and said it will take 2 years minimal for didly to go through. oh, and assisted nursing housing? no, not approved, just as numbskull headed as SSI. and the single health insurance that theoretically covers preexisting conditions here, only does it by 1-proof of denial letter from another company 2-paying a monthly payment that's equal to house payment, car payment and round trip flight to europe every month. at that price, its equal to NOT having health insurance and paying STRAIGHT bills.and now? now? for the man i thought was an answer to my prayers for a husband? he only sees me even more repulsive than when he first met me and thought of me as too much of an introvert. now, i'm too much of a burden that takes time, effort, nursing....and its all a waste to him...and i'm banned now, from everything.officially kicked out. all the activities i liked to go out and do together with club, with everyone, movies, eat out, computer game lan center, holiday celebrations....i'm banned, i'm kicked out, i'm rejected, i'm unwanted, i'm ignored....i'm hated.now...now...nownowi have to do EVERYTHING...i mean...everything...alone, in solitude. if a movie comes out (and i am a movie nutball, more for the special fx and animation, wishing i could be a technical crewman and get my name on the screw that way...i'm NOT an actress) i have to go to a movie in solitude and make sure i go on a day he's not there, or just wait for dvd. when it comes to eating out, there's NOONE to eat out with, so either don't bother, or get to go/take out and eat with the tv at home and my cat. i don't have friends or guests like before over, so i know longer even bother cleaning up or staying clean and tidy. no one gives a hoot.so i give up. i do. i truely do. i already screamed and yelled at G+D why did HE even bother bringing saul/solomon before me if HE knew my heart was gonna be this far broken and i really was gonna curse HIM to HIS face that badly and insult HIM as deft as i could. i was looking for david, not solomon. its more along the lines, his father is 'david' and instead HE is 'solomon'.i've already had a miserable enough life. i can't maintain a job. the b.s. i have really is a 'bs' as it has nothing to do with the major it dealt with when it comes to jobs. all i can find are 'temp' jobs that last for days, weeks, months, and do a number on my health and kill me. i can't go back to school for more education as no money for one, and can't get loans two since its maxed out and fed gov won't loan me any more for undergrad and i HAVE done my research on scholarships, trust me, i have....its not easy. oh, you say i should try new medication? antidepressants? antiepileptics? and those who may think as far as antipsychotics???? how about i say this instead. AFTER the accident where half my brain was damaged, food, drink, AND medications i used to be able to take, i can no longer take. and the list is growing very frightenly long. long enough to scare the living daylights out of paramedics when they are called and they need to know what the heck NOT to give me. and amongst those??? anti-depressants/epileptics/psychotics that have all been tried. all have either caused seizures, rashes from holy cow city that did not go away, vomit within 10 min of taking the pill, mood swings out of the blue that were very vicious, or genuine type 1 schizophrenia that i never new was possible to induce (ie, whose watching me, following me, what was that noise, whose eyese are those....that type) my doctor is pulling HIS hair out and has no honest clue why meds are doing this to me when they shouldn't, but they are. he even tried keeping me on one and uping it, uping it, more and more and more, till finally instead of being emotionally stable, every single day, multiple times a day at random times, i was either crying my eyes out at nothing (not even the guy who broke my heart), or wanting to go out on a true severe murder killing spree for no reason at all and i had to be pinned down till the 'mood swing' stopped and i snapped out of it. my doc determined it was another form of a seizure since it lasted as long as a seizure, i lost my memory before, during and after like a seizure, and afterwards, was exhausted as if i had run a mile, like when i awake from a seizure and dizzy as ever. as soon as he yoinked me off of it, and a couple days passed for it to drain out, it stopped. now, the problems i have, i have never had before, till AFTER having been put on how many different medications. now my brain litterally has learned its own new habits and i can't seem to break this new habit. its the same habit as when the brain learns seizures, save, this is...i don't know, and i'm getting frustrated.i am getting tired of this life. i go to read fix up your life books on singleness, but they never address people who've never had ANY relationship and are almost 30. they always address brokenhearts from breakups. those who have known love and lost. vs me, i have never known love, at all and still argue, what is love?????? and i really do mean that question? no, not parental love, not pet love, or object love like car or house or gem/jewel, or place like france or new york....i mean love. for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part. for i have not been loved and lost, but instead, not known love at all.i'll be 29 in february, a week before valentine. my birthday is the most depressing birthday and i hate it. one, my birth is nothing worth remembering nor celebrating, two, a week later, i'd be happier six feet under and being home instead. never once have i ever had anyone to celebrate valentines with.so now? i'm tired of being put on medications that make me worse, not better. i'm tired of doing EVERYTHING in solitude, and i mean EVERYTHING. i'm tired of attempting to get governmental financial assistance and them saying sorry, your too young and rich and healthy. i'm tired of being constantly shunned, rejected, ignored, forgotten, unwanted, sed to be a burden and not a blessing and more of a curse where everything is my fault since i'm the mental retard. i'm tired of sitting here screaming and yelling and getting no answer. and the reply 'its G+D's will' 'its HIS way' 'HIS thoughts are not our thoughts, HIS ways are not our ways' ain't gonna do it. neither is 'you need to submit yourself to HIM' 'you need to become more humble' 'you need to become more one with G+D' 'you need get in touch more with HIS word' 'you need to go to church' 'you need to pray' 'you need to read the Bible'.................................. what do you think i've done? been doing? tried? so i don't want to hear anymore of that. did i try dating sites? yes, no luck.i gave everything to he who ended up being solomon ever since he showed up. i gave him everything, and he just threw it in the trash. i can't find a way to let go of him, find another, if there even is another, and nothing else is getting better, its just getting worse by the second.so i'm tired of this, i'm ready for it all to end, i'm ready to sacrifice everything, i have nothing to loose. all i want is to go home, even if all i have is one blade of grass for a treasure in heaven with a single drop of dew, i won't care, no more tears, no more anger, no more hatred, no more lonliness, no more poverty, and i'll be able to rest at peace at last and know what true love really is.......being with my true husbandman to be.
