Dear Dom,From this mornings musings, somewhere in the midst of it, your thoughts mingled in. Brother, there is nothing on this planet as endearing as honesty from the heart. To verbalize and expose ones soul can be seen as foolishness to the proud, ammunition for the accuser and illogical for the 'intelligent'. But know just this, what you have is a gift and though I am sure you know it, there is that verse, pregnant with truth and you are right in the very center of it. Put it at bottom and wanted to share this with you, I think it's for the both of us as it may be for many of us.Always feel a little squeamish "praying out loud" here, but sometimes...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~My very soul is bound up in You Jesus, while the rest of me is a cacophony of bodily twitches, reactionary compulsions, prone to wander and run after spurious notions and fleeting emotions. The life wants, needs to pray and pray ceasinglessly-It is a life of prayer when the distractions are recognized. Hating ones life in this world becoming more and more realistic, not mere abstract sentiment. The reality of this world and its present system of things and gyrations could be summed up in a word; Unbelief. And it has become the snare of the saved as well. The folly and madness of it all. Bedfellows with pride, the antagonist of humility. Why do I yet weep dry tears? The soul in it's longing for God, for You Father, for Jesus. The power of His Name and the indwelling, the very life of the Holy Spirit in these fractional bodies and yet we are not astounded? To read Your word and not recognize that it is Your word, your voice, your very expressions, it ought to stagger us both in trembling and in rejoicing.Give us the faith of the persecuted, Lord, laying hold of what has layed hold of us. Recognizing the very hunger is given by Thee and can only be fed and filled by You. There is no other, blessed are they who hunger and thirst for they shall be filled. Let us who are able, go on and feed Thy sheep even as we know the lack and feel the same pangs of hunger. Fasting and delaying, waiting and praying, last. First to break the bread and be spent giving out of lack, that You might fill them all. They are Yours and we who may know some things also realize just how little that we do know, the hunger cries out to our own lack, measuring our fraction of knowledge to be but a morsel, our elevation and expectation brought lower, the right direction of increase.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The more or less norm many mornings is to bound between writing and reading, musing and this calling to the floor... Brother we can learn how to pray, it's true! If the disciples could ask "Lord, teach us ... to pray" surely He will not give us a stone? Strange, somewhere as I was typing this the word "how" got mingled in; "How to pray" but it's not there. Interesting! It's as if the question is not "how" but "what". I could go off on a endless extrapolation but just wanted to perhaps throw out some so called 'practical' things, but before that, to finish the thought... I am still very much a skeptic of my own mind, I believe it was PreachParsely here that mentioned the gift of "suspicion" and two different interpretations could be made of that, one, of others and the second these flighty, fallen creatures that we are even as the mind is being renewed day by day still... Where I am going is just however it may be for some, personally it seems rare that something seemingly drops in from out of nowhere, the tendency is to hold back on "The Lord told me..." thus and so. So many spurious ideas about in our day, glib prophecies, "Thus Sayeth the Lord", "The Lord told me to tell you...." Ah, one of these days I will just get on with it and quit explaining everything... Here, this came as I was praying;"Lord, I need You" .... "I Am your need"And that verse mentioned...Mat 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. (Note. If you have something like Esword, try a search on those two words together, "hunger and thirst")The "practical". You mentioned the distractions and they are there for a reason I believe. It's a test brother, of loyalty on the one hand not of guilt necessarily but a prodding to fight! I know this may sound like blasphemy to some constructs, but there is another spurious notion about that effort is folly, that there is no 'cost' to this life, that everything is done by surrender and it is, but...There is work to be done in surrendering. Work in prayer.Phi 2:12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. But take note of the paradox (seemingly) ...Phi 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. THAT is your wonderful predicament! And mine! Brother, a large part of this is in surrendering the natural to the spiritual, as Chambers was want to put it. As you go on in these things, these compulsions and distractions will fall off to an extent as you dig in deeper, as the honesty inwardly begins to reveal what is Spirit and Truth. The things that are troubling now will become something to chuckle at later and I do not mean to be flip about it, just that some of the things that we could once pine away at, slap ourselves around for are the same things that pushed into Gods Presence. It's by design if I might be so bold to state it that way.Two words come to mind.Change.Reflection.Think back over both. A year ago, where were you spiritually? I know you said that it seems that you are going backward, but set that aside for a moment and ponder the change. What has become more important? What does your own heart cry here reveal?Change brother, it's a beautiful thing. It's something that befuddles me often and gives great hope as well. What will 6 months from now reveal if the Lord tarries still? Knowing the ongoing cleanup that still needs to be done... Scared, you mentioned. Brother, me too! For all this long winded expression and wishing otherwise, praying otherwise, recognizing the folly of "the fear of man" which could be silenced with a word; Death. Let the agnostic, the atheist, the proud man ponder that, his death. Who is to be most pitted? And yet still my own words trap me, some foolish notion that a lever will be thrown and suddenly a boldness will come, the paradox there, it's both, Ah see, there is more to be surrendered. Both surrender and obedience ... This fool needs prayer as much you and the rest of us all.One last thing that has been percolating in the thoughts, this sentiment;Joh 7:6 Then Jesus said unto them, My time is not yet come: but your time is alway ready. And I love this commentary;Joh 7:6-10 - My time is not yet come--that is, for showing Himself to the world. your time is always ready--that is "It matters little when we go up, for ye have no great plans in life, and nothing hangs upon your movements. With Me it is otherwise; on every movement of Mine there hangs what ye know not. The world has no quarrel with you, for ye bear no testimony against it, and so draw down upon yourselves none of its wrath; but I am here to lift up My voice against its hypocrisy, and denounce its abominations; therefore it cannot endure Me, and one false step might precipitate its fury on its Victim's head before the time. Away, therefore, to the feast as soon as it suits you; I follow at the fitting moment, but 'My time is not yet full come.'"Jamieson, Fausset and Brown CommentaryThe Lord was often intimating this throughout His life on this planet. "For I do always ..." What? "those things that please him. And the "How" of it came just before it:"And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone;" (Joh 8:29)And we are not alone either brother!What has been bearing down on me is in this tension of compulsion (Recall the thread here, I need victory over "doing something") on the one hand and waiting on the other. That's where I think the surrender is, the Lords timing and the only way to find out is to be in 'constant' prayer. Prayer without ceasing, it's life blood and oxygen for the Christian.Two books if you haven't yet brother."Practicing The Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence(A search here will produce an online copy)"Pilgrims Progress" By John BunyanThe latter here describing your predicament, you would find your place in this journey there, I am sure of it. It is a progress brother. May something of this be of some help to you.
