I seem so rebellious at the moment I so want to bless God and do his will, It is like I am so weak in every area of my life.Financially, Work and other things even obeying God. I feel so lonely at the moment . I so want to be pure and holy. I want to give but I sometimes feel that I have more to offer people than they know and have not got the faith just to stand up and be unselfish and stand up for what I believe in. I do not want to be part of this society it scares me , every bit. I want to be part of his heavenly kingdom , I feel like the most rebellious of christians. I want to stand up for God and make his name glorius rather than mine!!!I dont care where I am banned from , all I want is the glory to go to Jesus and not me. I just have not got the courage even thinking about it scares me. I find rejection so difficult to take, Whenever the thought of doing anything amazing the thought of what happened last time crops into my mind and I cant get rid of it and it makes me miserable but I know I have to go along that path and want to. Because I know in my heart of hearts that what god wants for me is better than the world can offer but I don think that I think the opposite and it is like a war is going on in my soul .Sometimes it seems so scary that I darent not think about it. I feel like Saul or people like that or Balaam who rejected the word of the Lord but I do not want to obey out of because I have to , I want to obey because I love him and he loves me.i seem completly useless with finances and money. When I was very young I always remember seeing myself preaching in the open air in fields. I used to cry over revivial. I know god has got that for me and alot of othet thing I do not want someone else to take my crown. I so want to live like David even thou I feel like Saul who disobeyed God.I so want to be pure and not make the mistake of Soloman and David and others but knowing in myself not only is there the capability but there is worse than that. That I am evil Through and through. I just feel I am chained down by me and I feel so rebelleious.I want Jesus to win the war in my life and him to be glorified. I so feel like I cannot pray, I cannot read scripture, I cannot obey god even. I cannot sing. I cannot preach. I cannot fast. I feel so weighed down with sin and want to be free. Sometimes I feel a murderer or Hitler is betterof than me because atleast they did not know christ or refused to. I feel worse than them. I so want to offer my sin up to him and to obey him futher.Sometimes I get weary I want to tell the truth to my self am I serving God for my own means.The truthful answer would have to be yes. Am I doing the duties out of because I have to not because his love is compelling me the answer is yes. I have read John Wesleys almost christian and see myself like that Almost Christian.I sometimes see that Pharisacial Righteouss HYpocrite in me and I see that dirty sinner. I so wnat to lay al my desires down before god and see what he thinks and for god to turn this rebel in a lover.I cringe over my spiritual state, I think that I need to take all the help that is Going Jesus help. I want all the Help that you can give me I will search the world for it and do anything for it.But I am even afraid to do that because a part of me does not want it.I want to obey the Lord, tell the truth about my own life and what state I am in and have the courage to shout out to the Lord.Lord Help me!!I almost need to learn everything again. Jesus I want to go into a retreat and hid until someone finds me or go up to Scotland. I just feel so destitute I cannot live without God and I am so used to the comforts of this world. I want freedom. There is part of that just wants to retreat. I have seen the visons of what God wants me and know that I cannot do it without him. I cannot do it at all. I cannot pass the degree. At the moment at univeristy I so want to stand up and say what is on my heart and in my churchHave you ever had god give you stuff for a specific time and have messed it up again and agian until infinity. I just feel like I just mess things up.I feel hurt inside. I so want to do great things for god but cant even get out of bed or make that last step.I struggle in every area of my life but I know that god is greater at the moment I so want to be alone.I so want that encouragement to finish the last step and run the race. I almost need someone to drag me because I cannot do it on my own because I am so afraid!!!When I left church and CU I had noone I just dont have the strenght to move on to higher places.I just want to obey god and continue to obey god and continue to obey god. because I know that everything works out. I so want to leave my housemates but have not got enough strength to make the decision. It is almost as if I am trying to relive last year. Can you pray that I live in the present and not in the past. I am so worried about my finances and if evrything goes pearshaped I so want god to provide but I also want to be moved on in my walk with Jesus. I so want to give, to cry with people, to live a life worthy of the name Jesus. I know that in the bible everything is not suppose to be read it is suppose to be acted out and it is my unbelief that stops me from this.I know that God is a great God. I just almost need an abundance of that love. I just dont think that he is my heart and my head.Jesus please Unite my heart and my head. I so want to learn everything again that I ahve learnt and see god move in fantastic ways and expect him to.I need him to because I feel so miserableI need Jesus not only to help me in my work but to use all my talents for him and not be like that worker who doesnt use everything for himI wish words and my heart was poured out here because I do not feel like I have the language to express what i am feeling. Pray that I wil have enough money to survive the term and that I will get presents for my hosuemates that I convict them!!!Please help me
