Not Your Buddy

Hi all! I found this article on Boundless (an e-zine from Focus on the Family that deals with issues related to single people and those in relationships...geared mostly toward young adults). This article deals with intimate friendships between males and females. It makes some very good points. Give it a read and let me know what you think. http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001200.cfm

Sounds good to me! One thing we noticed at CPC is how modern couples are no longer romantic. They jump into what is reserved for married couples only and they lose something very exciting in the process, not to mention sinning. Perhaps what females could learn to do is to exercise more reserve with male friends...and refuse to be a 'buddy'. If you want to have a buddy relationship that is all you will have. It does not hurt to play 'hard to get'.Did you have any questions?ginnyrose

I read of this and copyed and pasted .. I really
want to know what people think about this,..

Guys do you really think this way?

In his love
charlene

Charlene,

Sadly, the answer is yes. I am going to make some generalizations about men, especially men in the world. I can say these things having been one of them. Almost all men do not have the capability to have a friendship with a woman. I know I had friendships where I pretended to be just their friend but I was covertly trying to direct it into something more. I was also intimate with many women, knowing full well I had no intention of marrying any of them.

One of the things the article spoke of was these relationships being used by the man to boost his ego. I know that this is true. I gloried in the fact that I had been extremely permiscuous. One of the major reasons I sought out this type of thing was to build myself up in ego. The other reason was lust.

I don't know why myself or other men could participate in these types of relationships without being emotionally invested. But it was totally different for the women involved, they always thought there was more to the relationship. It seemed the only time I had my feelings hurt was when the woman didn't want to stay in the "relationship". That is where the ego comes into play again. It wasn't that I had a broken heart but a bruised ego.

I will give this admonition to any single woman or married woman. Be very careful pursuing any friendships with men.

The other thing you can do as a woman, is to make your intentions about the relationship crystal clear. And do it early, before it is too late.

Murray

This article is true in my experience. I ended up thinking I was in a relationship with a guy for about a year even though he was continually saying he "wasn't interested" in me. But we would talk from like 8 to 4 AM almost every day, and he even gave me pet names- we acted just like a "couple"... my youth pastor wisely encouraged me to break it off and it was definitely a good decision. I guess he just treats all his close girl friends like that!
Then on the other side, at one time I hung out with about 4 guys and every single one of them thought they were the only one for me because I spent so much time with them.
I'm trying to be very careful now on a campus of 86% guys... it does help that I'm definitely NOT available.

Hello...

I have to confess that I was a good friend for over 10 months with the girl who is now my wife. We met at the University through our local Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship. She stood out as a woman of impeccable character and grace. We became close friends -- while neither of us was looking for a relationship. I met her after I had given both of my cars away, and she and her college siblings would offer to drive me to the store and church. Over time, we realized our love for one another. When I asked permission to court her, it was with the complete intention of eventually entering into a marriage covenant.

We "dated" (well, "courted" is the "proper" word used by some, although I am inclined to call it "dating" or "going steady") with complete Biblical propriety for over five years! Once we both had finished our Master's Degrees, we felt the time was right to fulfill our marriage promise.

I've read quite a few books on dating, courting, etc... While I don't completely agree with some (like [i]I've Kissed Dating Goodbye[/i]), I have learned some good bits and pieces of advice. The best books that I have read were from Elizabeth Eliott. Her books, including [i]The Measure of a Man[/i], were quite enlightening in the sense of keeping God's creative insight into a relationship. Eliott often reminds men that they are the pursuer of the relationship and that the women are to be pursued (and not the other way around). As men, we are to treat our wives with respect, patience and love as Christ treats the Church. He is, after all, the perfect "man" and "husband."

My wife and I are newlyweds. We were married in March. I am passionately in love with my wife! I write her poems, songs, and notes that tell her about my love for her. Chivalry is [u]not[/u] dead. I have never failed to treat her as a lady with the utmost respect. She reminded me the other day that, in nearly six years, I have NEVER failed to open the car door for her! Our relationship is not perfect (far from it), but we are committed to one another as we are also committed to Christ. Seperation will NEVER be an option (until death).

Let me encourage those who are single to truly seek the Lord in regards to a relationship. My wife truly completes me. She "puts up" with a lot of my silly attitudes and strange personality. She truly is the other side of me. Before her, I only seriously "dated" one other girl. She was a wonderful christian girl with a great love for the Lord. But you know what? I am so glad that I waited for my wife. I wouldn't trade her for all of the tea in China!

:-)

I will give this admonition to any single woman or married woman. Be very careful pursuing any friendships with men.

Thanks Murray for your honest words.

What would be ways that Sister in Christ could make their intention Clear?

Now Chirtian guys have a new heart, there goals are not as lustful as the world, but they could still lead a sister to think there is more then there is.. I guess that why group setting and clear intention are made.

shouldn't the men be clear to?

blessing
charlene

Chris,

This is really neat.. thank you for sharing..

Blessing
Charlene

Guys do you really think this way?

I am a male and this article is essentially right on. There is a fundamental difference in the communication and expectations of men and women. By the way, every good father *and* every good church needs to do something with this reality. First, this attitude among worldly males must be acknowledged and guarded against. Second, mature Christian young men and women will never find themselves in this situation. Fathers and churches must focus their young people on true discipleship and following Christ. But, to answer your question, yes, the article is correct in explaining the thought patterns of most males, both non-Christian and professing Christian. Females, take warning.

Charlene,

What would be ways that a Sister in Christ could make their intention Clear?

By just being upfront about your expectations for the relationship, whether it is a friendship or if you want it to be something more. Also by creating good boundaries such as no physical contact, no being alone with one another, etc.

If the man truly respects you he will agree to adhere to the guidelines set forth. If he does not agree, he is not worth pursuing anyways.

A Christian man does have a new heart but is still subject to temptation.

Listen to the Holy Spirit in all situations.

Murray

Murray,
thanks , you are right we have a new heart but are still subject to temptation. I really agree.
I think that is a wonderful piont.I hear of these sister, and even I did it. Thinking because they are Christain they should be differnt in some ways.

I think it good have already made rules, and then you don't add or take from it.You have your lines. But I think it wise to listen to Holy Spirit, so you have wisdom with your brothers.

If the man truly respects you he will agree to adhere to the guidelines set forth. If he does not agree, he is not worth pursuing anyways

question isn't the guy the one suppose to pursue the women?

in his love
charlene

Second, mature Christian young men and women will never find themselves in this situation. Fathers and churches must focus their young people on true discipleship and following Christ. But, to answer your question, yes, the article is correct in explaining the thought patterns of most males, both non-Christian and professing Christian. Females, take warning.

This wonderful words. To train and disciple the youth. This a good to know to warn younger women to know. And training for the young men too.
Thanks brother
for sharing

In his love
charlene

Murdog said:

I can say these things having been one of them.

Murray, are you no longer one of them? :-P j/k

Charlene,

I guess I should have clarified that statement. What I meant was, the relationship is not worth continuing in if he does not respect your wishes. I didn't mean to actively pursue him.

Murray

BeYeDoers,

If you mean no longer being a man, I wasn't referring to that. But I think you knew that! ;-)

Murray